Ahhh, the new year. It smells fresh. It's, well, new. It's full of hope. It's full of resolutions and goals. It's a blank slate...at least that's what it used to be for me.
The new year usually sees me reflecting on what I did or didn't do in the previous year. The new year brings out all sorts of thoughts, feelings and emotions - most that I don't want to deal with.
Now the reality of starting a new year without mom has a whole different meaning. This year I'm looking back over the year with sadness, sorrow, pain and loss. And I'm ready to look forward to 2018 with less than all those emotions. They will always be my bedfellows, but they don't have to hog the covers.
Grief is a funny thing. Fickle really. When it hits you, it hits hard. You lose your breath. You lose your focus. You lose everything...and all you can do it think about what you've lost. It has a way of leading us down a path to really reflect on the past and not on the future. The future looks bleaker than it did... without Mom. While it's already difficult to enjoy, or tolerate, the present, the future is full of memories of a person we lost too soon. The "What would she be doing..." comments are never ending. Or "Mom would have loved this..." are constant. The new year is a realization that this is a year that Mom will no longer be a part of this new year, or any new year.
And just when I think I can't handle it anymore...I feel this little tap on my shoulder telling me that while she's not physically here, she's still by my side throughout everything I do this year. In fact, I open my mouth and I swear my mother comes out.
While I have to focus on the grief and really deal with it and not stuff it into the closet to deal with later, I'm going to dedicate this year to me and to Mom. I'm going to do things that would make her proud. I'm going to live my life in a way that she didn't get to and that she'd want me to. I'm going to live the year for her.
So as I sit here on New Year's Eve contemplating 2017 and the expectations of 2018, I'm doing so with Mom.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Monday, December 25, 2017
Merry Ho Ho...as BigBro would say
Christmas is no longer a celebration with family for me...it's turned into more about thinking about the one's who aren't with us.
It goes way beyond mom today. I'm missing Dad too and BigBro. All gone too soon.
It snowed last night in Seattle. I woke to a winter wonderland ... white and cold. I wanted to dial mom up immediately and listen to her tell me how warm it was in Tucson and laugh at how cold it is here. No can do. So I complained to the Internet and the cats. They're both always willing to listen to me.
Little Sister called this morning. That made me feel loved and so happy that she's still in my life. We've been through a lot together and in the aftermath of losing Mom we are more kindred spirits than before.
Little Sister? I'm sure I've mentioned her. She showed up on our doorstep in 4th grade and never left. Her parents weren't really great parents. She adopted us and we her. She called Mom and Dad, "mom" and "dad". Dad walked her down the aisle (turned out to be the only daughter he would do that with). She traveled with us. She's a Wraspir through and through. We have completely different opinions of politics and religion and yet we still love each other deeply.
This morning after I showered I was sitting on my bed just waiting for my brain to kick in to what was next. A weird, sudden feeling washed over me. This thought hit my head hard...
"If I died right now, I'm happy."
That's huge.
As I sat I had the following thoughts cross my mind:
I'm loved. I have family and friends who would stand by me through anything.
I've seen the world. More to see, but have sure seen my fair share.
I've been successful in my career.
Overall, things have been great. Even the tough times I survived.
So bizarre. Now, I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon...but that thought was quite comforting and a place I've never been. There's always been ONE...MORE...THING that would make me happy.
So on this day of Christmas, I'm wishing you all the same. Happiness and love in every day of your life.
What's next? The Birthday...49. How on earth did I get here?
It goes way beyond mom today. I'm missing Dad too and BigBro. All gone too soon.
It snowed last night in Seattle. I woke to a winter wonderland ... white and cold. I wanted to dial mom up immediately and listen to her tell me how warm it was in Tucson and laugh at how cold it is here. No can do. So I complained to the Internet and the cats. They're both always willing to listen to me.
Little Sister called this morning. That made me feel loved and so happy that she's still in my life. We've been through a lot together and in the aftermath of losing Mom we are more kindred spirits than before.
Little Sister? I'm sure I've mentioned her. She showed up on our doorstep in 4th grade and never left. Her parents weren't really great parents. She adopted us and we her. She called Mom and Dad, "mom" and "dad". Dad walked her down the aisle (turned out to be the only daughter he would do that with). She traveled with us. She's a Wraspir through and through. We have completely different opinions of politics and religion and yet we still love each other deeply.
This morning after I showered I was sitting on my bed just waiting for my brain to kick in to what was next. A weird, sudden feeling washed over me. This thought hit my head hard...
"If I died right now, I'm happy."
That's huge.
As I sat I had the following thoughts cross my mind:
I'm loved. I have family and friends who would stand by me through anything.
I've seen the world. More to see, but have sure seen my fair share.
I've been successful in my career.
Overall, things have been great. Even the tough times I survived.
So bizarre. Now, I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon...but that thought was quite comforting and a place I've never been. There's always been ONE...MORE...THING that would make me happy.
So on this day of Christmas, I'm wishing you all the same. Happiness and love in every day of your life.
What's next? The Birthday...49. How on earth did I get here?
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
The Holidays Will Never Be the Same
People have said this to me as we begin this holiday season. I really wasn't sure what they meant by it, but now, knee deep into the holiday season, I get it. Oh boy do I get it.
I didn't want the holiday season to become something I'd avoid. I love the holiday season and I really didn't want to admit anything would be different. I'm finding that the holiday season is bringing to or so clear attention that my mom, my favorite person, is no longer here.
As the season has progressed, I still find reasons I want to call her. Or see something she'd love and I want to buy for her. Or decorations that remind me of something she had. Or some decoration, item, that she would have found the perfect place for in her house. Everywhere, it seems I am constantly reminded that she is not with us any longer.
It has taken a lot of effort for me to keep, and hold on to, that holiday sparkle. Getting into the "spirit" is actual effort. It didn't used to be. But Mom loved Christmas. I can't not still celebrate the season. She'd not be happy if we stopped.
I miss her. Not just a little. I miss her every single, solitary day. Daily my thoughts drift to her or to something we used to do, or something I wish I could do with her. I think about all the things she's not going to be here for and I realize, all too painfully, that things are no longer the same without her.
I didn't want the holiday season to become something I'd avoid. I love the holiday season and I really didn't want to admit anything would be different. I'm finding that the holiday season is bringing to or so clear attention that my mom, my favorite person, is no longer here.
As the season has progressed, I still find reasons I want to call her. Or see something she'd love and I want to buy for her. Or decorations that remind me of something she had. Or some decoration, item, that she would have found the perfect place for in her house. Everywhere, it seems I am constantly reminded that she is not with us any longer.
It has taken a lot of effort for me to keep, and hold on to, that holiday sparkle. Getting into the "spirit" is actual effort. It didn't used to be. But Mom loved Christmas. I can't not still celebrate the season. She'd not be happy if we stopped.
I miss her. Not just a little. I miss her every single, solitary day. Daily my thoughts drift to her or to something we used to do, or something I wish I could do with her. I think about all the things she's not going to be here for and I realize, all too painfully, that things are no longer the same without her.
I even find myself thinking about what if she was still here. What would she think about how horribly the Seahawks played last weekend? What would she think about a niece getting married? How would she plan to get here for the wedding? How proud she'd be at the great niece graduating from college? How angry she'd be at me for working so many hours?
Right now, she'd be calling me every day to tell me who we'd be going to dinner to when I was down in Tucson. She'd have every night planned ... a dinner here, a dinner there.
I miss all of that.
When I start to think about her not being here for any of that...I start to grieve all over again. It becomes almost a daily struggle to keep it together and consider all the stuff I have to conquer without her. She was supposed to be here for all those things. She wasn't supposed to leave so soon.
So I'll get through this holiday season. I'll force the Christmas spirit into my life, because Mom would want that. It won't be the same. It never will be. The holidays are forever changed. They will never be the same.
I miss you mom. Merry Christmas.
Saturday, December 16, 2017
A Year ago
A year ago tomorrow I was in the hospital for blood clots. I had to cancel my Christmas trip to Tucson because of them. Boy do I regret that now.
I've been thinking of Mom all day and wondering what Christmas last year would have been like had I been able to make it. What would Mom and I have done? Where would we have eaten? How many times would we have laughed?
I know it's all for not, but it's fun and sad to think about.
Today I found a journal from mom. It's a daily journal in which it asked her questions about her life. I had seen it before, but was unable to even consider reading it, let alone actually read it. Today I cracked it open. I read the whole thing. I learned things about mom I didn't know!
Now I want to do the same thing. Write about some of the things that have happened in my life. I don't have any children to pass it on to, but someone will read it. And I like to write, so it'll give me something meaningful to write about.
In other news, I cannot believe Christmas is just a week away. Where the H-E- double hockey sticks did this year go?
I'll be doing dinner this year. Nothing fancy, just a couple of family members. The question is what to cook.
Speaking of cooking, Jenny is going ok. I'm just about to be at 10 lbs lost. It's taken a bit longer than I had planned, but I'm ok with it. I've been hitting the gym 3 - 4 times a week and just in that I'm feeling way better than I have in months. Going to keep the good going...
I've been thinking of Mom all day and wondering what Christmas last year would have been like had I been able to make it. What would Mom and I have done? Where would we have eaten? How many times would we have laughed?
I know it's all for not, but it's fun and sad to think about.
Today I found a journal from mom. It's a daily journal in which it asked her questions about her life. I had seen it before, but was unable to even consider reading it, let alone actually read it. Today I cracked it open. I read the whole thing. I learned things about mom I didn't know!
Now I want to do the same thing. Write about some of the things that have happened in my life. I don't have any children to pass it on to, but someone will read it. And I like to write, so it'll give me something meaningful to write about.
In other news, I cannot believe Christmas is just a week away. Where the H-E- double hockey sticks did this year go?
I'll be doing dinner this year. Nothing fancy, just a couple of family members. The question is what to cook.
Speaking of cooking, Jenny is going ok. I'm just about to be at 10 lbs lost. It's taken a bit longer than I had planned, but I'm ok with it. I've been hitting the gym 3 - 4 times a week and just in that I'm feeling way better than I have in months. Going to keep the good going...