Lather, Rinse, Repeat

You know that saying, right?

Lather - Rinse - Repeat?

It's used to express doing something over and over again and ultimately ends up in a vicious circle.

That my friends is my life in a nutshell when it comes to weight loss.

I used dreamed of what it would be like to be one of those "skinny girls" who seem to have the world in their hands and everything together. Then I realized that "skinny" isn't what I really wanted for myself.

It's a by product of what I want for myself.

To be healthy.

As I age I've realized I can't keep putting things off. Sooner or later that closed closet that I've stuffed all my "must get to's" in is going to burst open and I'm going to be wondering what happened to all the time.

So, are you with me? Cuz here we go again.

I've noticed of late that I've just not been feeling myself. Something has wrapped it's arms around me and has made me feel - well - less than me. I wouldn't say it's depression, cuz that's not it. But more of a, "meh" feeling.

I started thinking about all the aspect of my life and ranking them from 1-10 how well I felt about them. Turns out everything seems fine with the exception of a healthy mind and body. That my first thought, albeit jokingly, (at least I thought so) was, "How about a negative 2?"

I put the pen down for a second, sat back, crossed my legs - uncomfortably - because that's what happens when you're fat and thought about my "joking" comment to myself.

Was I joking? Or was that my subconscious rearing it's ugly head and smacking me upside mine?

I had a boss once tell me that self-deprecating jokes are really a view into a person's soul and now I'm thinking that might be true.

I hate eating healthy. Hate it. All the other crunchy, fried, smothered in cheese or sauce stuff is what makes me happy. Or does it? Is it really just a quick fix for short term happiness? I wonder if I've been fooling myself this whole time? That's a rhetorical question...I know the answer to that.

This last week I met with a couple of girlfriends to discuss this book we're reading called The Willpower Instinct. Honestly I've got almost nothing out of the book and really have been afraid to take it very seriously. I mean, what if it fixes something? Then what? But that's besides the point - the point is we inevitably get into talking about weight loss and what it means to have a healthy lifestyle. Both these friends have, themselves, been walking a healthy lifestyle path. Both have had wins and losses. Both have had great days and bad days. Both have had a moment of when they just say, "F*ck it!" Interesting. Me too.

But it was what one of the two friends said that got me thinking. See I've failed a hundred and one ways in weight loss and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. My inner fat chick always wins.  And once she wins and I eat something "off the plan" then I stop. Why bother? That's my theory. I'm just going to plan again, eat well again - but for how long. And this friend said to me that she too is in the loop ... even now after having lost significant weight. And what she's found is that if she just thinks about and plans for one day at a time, everything seems easier. She's not overwhelmed with the "big picture".

This isn't new to me. I use this theory when I talk to people who need to organize their houses or something and I tell them the same thing. Don't think of the entire house. Think of the one closet. Funny...sure wish I was good at my own advice.

So here we are...again...I've planned my week. I've grocery shopped. I've prepped my food so all I have to do is grab and go. I've written in ink when I'm working out and I've given myself ONE free lunch next week and ONE free dinner.

I am sure to fail at some point during the week. But I'm hoping that my new thought, my new plan, my new conversation with myself will get me back on the wagon. After all I have a hundred dollars worth of food to eat so I'd better stay on it.

Don't wish me luck. Send me a text of FB post of support.
Don't tell me "you can do it"...I know I can...but tell me to hang in for just today.
Don't ask me what I've eaten today...but don't tempt me with something delicious either.

I'm a complex person...as much as I don't want to admit it...I am. And I'm not unique in that way. We all are. We all have our demons and no one's life is as great as we on the outside assume. So to all those skinny girls I used to be envious over...my apologies cuz you might have been struggling with something worse than weight loss...

And here we go...please don't hold it against me, or think worse of me when I stumble and fall.

Blink

I can always tell when I've been super busy at work...my blogging decreases as my work increases. I'm still getting used this working full time with enough work to keep you busy today, tomorrow, and well into the future. Oh don't get me wrong, I still love my job and everything about the company I work for...it's just been busy.

And I like busy.

In fact, this past week I got to do something I hadn't realized I even wanted to do.

 

Who knew I wanted to drink beer and do a VERY LARGE shot of whiskey? I blame my friend RB who was the reason for this drinking...

Truth is it was going to a Sounders game that was the thing I didn't realize I wanted to do. Friend RB had some tickets and asked if I wanted to go. After saying yes, I spent the next several days talking myself out of going. I seem to do that more and more. But alas, I just felt I had to go and do it. And I'm glad I did.

I knew three things about soccer before I went.  1) there's a ball, 2) there are players who can't use their hands and 3) there are two goals. I think I still know just as much, and yet it was pretty easy to follow and understand. A few calls three me, but it sounded like it threw the fans too.

The fans stand the entire time. I had been "warned" about that and yet I found standing for 90 minutes (two 45 minute halves) wasn't bad at all...if you had a beer with you.

I suspect I'll go again some day...I mean it has beer and hot guys running around the field. Who wouldn't want to go? Granted those "guys" are like half my age...well, maybe not...

In other news...is there other news? I think I've been too busy to have other news.

Put me In Coach...I'm Ready to Play

Back when I was a junior in high school I picked up volleyball and managed to get myself on the junior varsity team. I spent the summer before my junior year at a volleyball camp learning the sport and was surprised how easily it came to me. I was a natural. Or so I thought.

Our team wasn’t great, but we didn’t suck either. We won some and we lost some.

Our last game of the season is the ONLY game that really sticks out for me. I was one of our starters and, at the time, had a pretty decent serve, so generally started in that position. We sided out and then rotated so that I was in the back left of the court for our team. Receiving serves from the other team.

The first serve was wicked and I totally shanked it.

The second serve was much like the first.

The third serve…shocker was like the first two.

The coach took a time out and I BEGGED him to substitute someone in for me.

He wouldn’t. Instead he said, “You’ve got this.”

Back on the court the next serve, thankfully did not go to me. But the one after that was. Somehow I managed to focus myself and return it enough for us to get a side out.

The point to this story is that I was ready to give up and my coach had more faith in me than I did. He stood behind me and gave me the encouragement he thought I needed.

Meanwhile, I had zero confidence and was only concerned that everyone would blame me if we lost. Forgetting, of course, that volleyball is a team sport. But when you’re in high school that doesn’t matter.

And I suppose a subpoint would be, sometimes things just suck.

I tell you this story because this week at work I had an encounter with a client that threw me under the bus. In true Best Company in the World fashion, my boss asked me what went on instead of believing the client’s rant immediately. In addition, my colleague, Queen Bee, was right by my side reiterating all the stuff I was telling the boss.

The boss, much like the coach, kept me in the game. And for that I’m pretty grateful. He trusts that I know what I’m doing and that, perhaps, the client might be a bit nuts.

But at the end of the date, Queen Bee and I decided that to keep the distraction out of the project, that maybe I should just be the PM on the back end and not have any contact with the client. Hoping that by removing me the client can focus on the work at hand and not worry about what we’re doing. We shall see.

In other news, Memorial day is quickly approaching. For two years in a row we spent it in Odessalet saying good bye to first Dad and the BigBro. I can’t tell you how THRILLED I am to not be going to Odessalet this weekend. Though I have this thought that if the weather is nice, Sparky and I might spend the 6 hours driving over and back to just say hi to BigBro and Dad. We’ll see. 

And last Sunday was Sunday dinner. We had a small group this month, which meant only one thing...RIBS.  This rib recipe is quickly becoming a favorite for everyone...and there's a good reason why. It's delicious. 

I also bought some props for the photo since I feel like I need to spice it up some.  Turned out everyone liked them...mostly. The cats are still no fan of the "being held by humans for a photo" thing.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

I know I'm lucky. I know that my relationship with my mom is not always how it is with mother's and daughters. I know that now. I didn't always know that. I assumed that every mother and daughter were as close as I was with my mom. Turns out that's not the case.  For those daughters and mothers, I am sad.

This woman I am proud and honored to call my friend and my mother. We haven't always been friends, I was a teen ager at one time after all. Though the way I remember it I was an angel of a teenager...

This woman worked her whole life. I don't remember a single time in our lives where she was a "stay home mom". I was a latch key kid, because she worked. She worked so we had a pretty decent life.

This woman was a teacher. Not by trade, but by the fact that she was a mom. She taught me so many things that I can barely even think where to begin the list. I can clean my house because of her. I can do my own laundry because of her. I can cook because of her (and dad but mostly her). I can carry on a conversation with people and not be disrespectful because of her (if you know my mom you know how she reacts to disrespectful children...). She taught me manners. She taught me how to have a strong work ethic. And the list goes on.

This woman was a nurse. I'm a horrible sick person. I whine and am not fun to be around. This woman though hopped on a plane and flew immediately to Seattle when I was hospitalized in the early 2000's for blood clots. There was nothing that was going to stop her from being by my side and taking care of me. She did the same thing again in 2009.

This woman is a care giver. She not only took care of dad as he lived his last years. He wasn't a pleasant person as the Alzheimer's took hold, but she stood by his side and took care of him until his dying day.

This woman is a therapist. I can't count the number of times I've bounced things off her. Or cried on her shoulder because some uncaring boy didn't love me. Or cried because I lost a cat. Or needed a sounding board to help me make decisions - not that I always followed her advice.

Suffice it to say, she's been a bit of everything. She's retired now and while she lives in Tucson and I love in Seattle, we talk several times a week. I can't ever imagine not hearing her voice on the other side of a phone.

So thanks mom for all you've done and for helping shape me into the woman I am today.

Meanwhile... in Redmond

Since I've not written a lot lately, and apparently I'm boring...I'm going to give you an episode of "Currently"...

LISTENING
Cousin K posted a song on FB today from Nickelback called Burn it to the Ground...and well needless to say it's stuck in my noggin. I must put this song on my "Top's Down Sunny Day" playlist.

Also listening to Linus wig out. He's got a bit of the crazies tonight and is flying around the house yeowling...

READING
I just finished the world's longest book...ok, maybe not. But The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. Was it a good book? Absolutely. Would I recommend it? You bet. Is it my favorite I've read recently? Nope.

That honor goes to Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty.  This was our book club book this month. I've ready two other books by this author (What Alice Forgot and The Husband's Secret) and loved them both. THIS book put me over the edge with her. This book has a great story line, touching on domestic violence and bullying, all the while throwing in the resilience of female relationships and WHAM a twist that I did not see coming. It's a quick read and I highly recommend it.

EATING
Poorly. That's what I'm eating. I've gotten into this horrible habit of participating in the subsidized lunch program at work. So I lazy out in planning lunches. I...have...got...to...get...better...at...planning. It's not about the money more so about the choices I make. The places on the list, while delicious, don't really - well let's put it this way...I don't make good choices at these places because they have some delicious food.

Also...I found a row of thin mints in the pantry and have now, in two nights, ate the entire row.

LOVING
So I got the demons this new cat tent so they can play outside. I think they'll really love it once they get used to it. Right now they look at me like I've put them in prison or something. What I love even more is the hours of entertainment I'm getting by watching dingledork (aka Linus) figure out how to get in and out of it. It's not hard. There's a big door. But he can't seem to figure it out and tries to "escape" by running in any direction and consequently running into the mesh wall at full speed. I laugh my ass off every time he does it and have YET to get it on video.

CONTEMPLATING
Right now I'm contemplating my lack of motivation to get to my killer gym. It started the week before vacation...and by "started" I mean not going. Here we are 2 almost 3 weeks since I've been back and I've not gone once. I keep promising myself I will and I don't. I come up with any number of reasons to not. So my contemplation is what's stopping me. Where's that motivation I need hidden? Why can't I just go? It's not like I hate it. In fact, I actually love it. And I know....I KNOW I'll feel great after.  So here I sit, typing out a blog instead of working out...

Overall though...life is pretty awesome currently and I just can't complain about anything. Well, I could. But I won't.

Hola....Como estan?

Hi! Yah it's me. The "owner" of this blog.  Apparently I've been busy or something since it's been since April 19th that I actually posted anything here. I kept thinking about writing and kept thinking, "But you just did." Clearly my thoughts are distorted.

A big thing happened since I last wrote...

That's right! This girl won the Quarterly Star award at work. And THIS girl was shocked and stunned and still is having a hard time believing I won.

But let me explain a bit first.

You know I love my job and the company. It's generally a love fest when we have our monthly meetings. We do this ThanksUnlimited thing, of which I've won a couple of times. And then once a quarter we vote on who we believe should win this Quarterly Star award.

Now...in my cynical mind I figured people who touch ALL aspects of the company are more likely to win because - well they touch all parts of the company. I never, EVER, in my wildest dreams have imagined I'd win.

It's crazy, but I feel so honored.

See the people I work with are smart. I mean SMART...and everyone holds themselves and everyone else to a ridiculously high standard. We're all stars really. So to be chosen and singled out is...well...overwhelming.

For one quarter I get my own parking spot with this sign!

But here's the fun part. So tradition at this company is that we all sing to the winner. The HR gal picks a song and re-writes the lyrics to announce the winner. This month's song was California Girls from the Beach Boys. 

We do a trial run and sing the song with the real lyrics. Then she hands out the new lyrics.

We start singing...these lyrics.

Q1 kept us busy and our numbers really soared

When your votes came in boy the race was tight

Let’s look at what our winner scored

 

In addition to a paid day off is that awesome parking space

Time to pack it up Mini and get outta there

Because the Mustang’s takin’ your place

 

This is how we honor our winning

This is how we honor our winning

This is how we honor our winning star

 

She brought compliance knowledge and she quickly learned the ropes

Like how to manage all those client demands 

And still fulfill their high high hopes

 

Jennifer we thank you for all the hard work that you've done

And in addition to all that booty you get

There's one more honor that you've won

 

*****************************

Now here's the funnier thing. As we're singing the song I see the word Mustang and I'm thinking, "Oh. Don has a Mustang. Cool. He won."

 

And as I'm thinking this I glance up and notice everyone's staring at me. Odd.

 

I still have not seen my name. Then it hits me as we hit that verse. I almost cried. No lie. I almost broke down and cried. Thank GOD I didn't cuz in this crowd I might not ever live it down.

 

So ya. I still love my job. I still love this company and I feel so honored and blessed to get up every morning and be a part of such a fantastic group of people And apparently they like me. They really, really like me!