Lather, Rinse, Repeat

You know that saying, right?

Lather - Rinse - Repeat?

It's used to express doing something over and over again and ultimately ends up in a vicious circle.

That my friends is my life in a nutshell when it comes to weight loss.

I used dreamed of what it would be like to be one of those "skinny girls" who seem to have the world in their hands and everything together. Then I realized that "skinny" isn't what I really wanted for myself.

It's a by product of what I want for myself.

To be healthy.

As I age I've realized I can't keep putting things off. Sooner or later that closed closet that I've stuffed all my "must get to's" in is going to burst open and I'm going to be wondering what happened to all the time.

So, are you with me? Cuz here we go again.

I've noticed of late that I've just not been feeling myself. Something has wrapped it's arms around me and has made me feel - well - less than me. I wouldn't say it's depression, cuz that's not it. But more of a, "meh" feeling.

I started thinking about all the aspect of my life and ranking them from 1-10 how well I felt about them. Turns out everything seems fine with the exception of a healthy mind and body. That my first thought, albeit jokingly, (at least I thought so) was, "How about a negative 2?"

I put the pen down for a second, sat back, crossed my legs - uncomfortably - because that's what happens when you're fat and thought about my "joking" comment to myself.

Was I joking? Or was that my subconscious rearing it's ugly head and smacking me upside mine?

I had a boss once tell me that self-deprecating jokes are really a view into a person's soul and now I'm thinking that might be true.

I hate eating healthy. Hate it. All the other crunchy, fried, smothered in cheese or sauce stuff is what makes me happy. Or does it? Is it really just a quick fix for short term happiness? I wonder if I've been fooling myself this whole time? That's a rhetorical question...I know the answer to that.

This last week I met with a couple of girlfriends to discuss this book we're reading called The Willpower Instinct. Honestly I've got almost nothing out of the book and really have been afraid to take it very seriously. I mean, what if it fixes something? Then what? But that's besides the point - the point is we inevitably get into talking about weight loss and what it means to have a healthy lifestyle. Both these friends have, themselves, been walking a healthy lifestyle path. Both have had wins and losses. Both have had great days and bad days. Both have had a moment of when they just say, "F*ck it!" Interesting. Me too.

But it was what one of the two friends said that got me thinking. See I've failed a hundred and one ways in weight loss and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. My inner fat chick always wins.  And once she wins and I eat something "off the plan" then I stop. Why bother? That's my theory. I'm just going to plan again, eat well again - but for how long. And this friend said to me that she too is in the loop ... even now after having lost significant weight. And what she's found is that if she just thinks about and plans for one day at a time, everything seems easier. She's not overwhelmed with the "big picture".

This isn't new to me. I use this theory when I talk to people who need to organize their houses or something and I tell them the same thing. Don't think of the entire house. Think of the one closet. Funny...sure wish I was good at my own advice.

So here we are...again...I've planned my week. I've grocery shopped. I've prepped my food so all I have to do is grab and go. I've written in ink when I'm working out and I've given myself ONE free lunch next week and ONE free dinner.

I am sure to fail at some point during the week. But I'm hoping that my new thought, my new plan, my new conversation with myself will get me back on the wagon. After all I have a hundred dollars worth of food to eat so I'd better stay on it.

Don't wish me luck. Send me a text of FB post of support.
Don't tell me "you can do it"...I know I can...but tell me to hang in for just today.
Don't ask me what I've eaten today...but don't tempt me with something delicious either.

I'm a complex person...as much as I don't want to admit it...I am. And I'm not unique in that way. We all are. We all have our demons and no one's life is as great as we on the outside assume. So to all those skinny girls I used to be envious over...my apologies cuz you might have been struggling with something worse than weight loss...

And here we go...please don't hold it against me, or think worse of me when I stumble and fall.