I've tried to avoid thinking about today all day. The Universe has other plans for me today, apparently.
Today Mom has been gone for 5 years! FIVE YEARS! How does that happen? It still feels raw at times. I guess it always will though.
This is how I like to remember mom. She was a little kid at heart when life didn't get in the way of being an adult. Her laugh - or cackle - was infectious. She was the rock that held my life together.
On Jan 16, 2017 I had to learn how to hold my own life together. True adulting started. I was on my own. No mom. And no dad. The two people I ran to for advice, love, and support were both gone now.
I have a couple of blocks around the house with words on them that remind me of mom. The first says, "If you knew my mom, you'd understand." I bought that one because every...single...day, I see my mom in me. Sometimes its scary how much like her I am. Some of my mannerisms catch me off guard because they remind me of mom. It makes me happy to know that while she's gone, she's really not. She's 100% who I am.
The second block I have says "Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out." Yep. That sums it up too. There's no avoiding it. I am my mother. And you know what? I'm ok with that. She was one in a million. And now, I sit and wonder if I'm doing her proud? Am I living up to what she'd expect of me? In most areas I think I am. In other areas, I think I could improve.
Remember how I said the Universe was telling me what today was. THIS song was the first song to play on iTunes when I hit play today. I think it sums up how my emotions are today. I'll leave you with the lyrics. If you want to hear it,
the video is here.
Hey there now
Where'd you go
You left me here
So unexpected
You changed my life
I hope you know
'Cause now I'm lost
So unprotected
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye
Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same here
without you
You were gone too soon
You were always there
Like a shining light
On my darkest days
You were there to guide me
Oh I miss you now
I wish you could see
Just how much your memory
Will always mean to me
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye
Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same here
without you
You were gone too soon
