Would you wanna...

The book club selection this month was a book called In an Instant by Suzanne Redfearn. It's a book about a tragic accident that causes family and friends to make very difficult decisions in the face of their survival or someone else's. The book itself was a great read. If you're a reader, I highly recommend it. 

At book club as we went through all the questions (yes we do more than drink wine at book club. We do actually talk about the book.) and we all, naturally, had our own opinions. The questions were very much about "what would you do" in the face of your survival or the survival of someone else. It's not as easy of a question to answer as you might think. There are a lot of conditional situations that may change your response. 

What I quickly found when answering these questions was that I probably have a stronger self-preservation (or narcissism) feeling than the Moms in the room. And a stronger, maybe more selfish, self-preservation feeling than my loyal BFF who puts everyone first. Ahem. I had a rather "all men for themselves" kinda attitude. 

The story is told from the perspective of someone who died in the crash. She sees and hears everything from all the family / friends and ultimately "moves on" after her funeral. She sees humans as they really are. Their secrets, lies, and everything else shoved in the closet for no one else to see.  The last question on our list of discussion questions was "would you want to attend your funeral?"

Well, would you?

I immediately said yes. When I was asked to explain, I jokingly said, "Because I want to make sure you all follow my last wishes and have a big ass party and play my really funny playlist." (My playlist has songs like Another One Bites the Dust and Highway to Hell - I'm funny that way). 

I was mostly joking, but I'm not sure they all thought I was. I mean, my niece does call my "death book" my "I-Want-To-Be-In-Control-Even-When-I'm-Dead-Book". 

Then the BFF said something really profound and I think we can all relate. She said, she would because she'd want to see if she "made a difference" in someone's life."

The next day I asked her what "made a difference" meant to her. See I had pondered it all night as to what "made a difference" means to the average NOT Mother Teresa person. Does driving someone to the airport when they overslept for their flight mean I've "made a difference"? I hardly think so. Does holding a friends hair while she pukes "making a difference"? Unlikely. So what does it mean? 

And after I asked all those silly questions, she wasn't really sure what she meant. Then it hit her - she really wanted to see if people would remember her, and remember her fondly. 

To me my BFF is one of the most fiercely loyal, good natured, loving person who tends to aggravate me a lot (we're opposite in almost every way you see). I couldn't figure out why anyone would think poorly of her. Me? I have no doubt. I've had my fair share of bitchy times with some folks. 

But she hit the nail on the head. I think we all want to make sure we're remembered. It's one of the reasons I scrapbook. I want to tell my stories from my perspective. 

I thought about my trip to Tucson and thought about ALL the stories - funny stories - we shared about Mom and Dad. So many quirky things they both did and we now celebrate. 

So, yes. I would want to be at my funeral celebration. I would like to take attendance and see who were the people who wanted to celebrate my life. And how did I touch them? What stories did they have to tell? I think we all assume we're good people and that people love us. I want to hear the stories where I pissed them off, or where I crossed the line without knowing? I'd feel bad I'm sure and maybe, just maybe I wouldn't haunt those people.