Have Travel Anxiety – will travel

What is happening to me?

In 2019 as I prepared to go to yet another European adventure I was confident in my travel prep. I had my lists (yes plural), I had my research done, I was ready. Nothing in the world would stop me from stepping on to that plane and flying off to Denmark.

Every year as I prepared for my “big trip” was the same. We’d decide where we were going. Book it and then wait a bit, then start the discussion, the research, and the excitement of travel. It never failed me. I was always, ALWAYs excited about travel. Rarely did I stop to think of the risks. And as a lifelong project manager that isn’t normal. Plan B’s are my middle name. But in 2019 and before, they never crossed my mind.

Enter post Covid travel.

When Covid happened, all travel stopped. I got comfortable at home. The thought of travel was so far in the future that I let it drift away. I no longer focused on “the next”, because I wasn’t sure when/if there would be a next.

As the time to depart for this trip, one we purchased in 2019, one we’ve talked about for years, one my parents wanted to take, one that would be seeing my at my alma mater again, I find myself anxious about traveling.

So, what has me so anxious?

First and foremost is my ability TO do it. Covid had me getting more and more out of shape. I put on some of the weight I lost pre-Covid. I started cooking more. I was home ALL…the…time. No gyms in sight. And so, I’m not overly confident of just how much I’ll be able to do without injury or exhaustion. Friends that I have spoken to about this have all said, “do what you can. Don’t fret.” And I’m trying. I really am trying to get to the not fretting part.

But here’s the thing, I HATE missing out. I know that I will hate myself if I can’t do something I really want to do. What if I can’t walk another block to see that 16^th century church and I miss seeing some really cool fresco or something? This is real to me. This is me getting anxious and then pissed.

I am not delusional. I know I put myself in this position and I know that I will, most likely, be fine. But still I fret.

The second thing making my anxiety flair is Covid and what if I test positive on the trip? I have paid too much and waited too long for a stupid virus to stop me from doing this trip. But there’s a real possibility that I can test positive. I mean, I’m going to be on an airplane with a couple hundred other people breathing the same air. Then on a very small boat with another hundred or so. The chance is higher.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the getting sick part, it’s the missing out part (are you seeing a theme here?). We have to test 24 hours before we leave. We have to test every day on the boat. And we have to test before we come home. I’m vaccinated. Boosted too. But there’s still a chance. I like my odds, but we know that this virus is cunning.

If you test positive, you quarantine.

That’s the problem. Quarantine! That means in your room, not out on the sun deck or walking the street of a medieval village. It means room service, not dining with other passengers watching the view of the Rhine River go by. It means not going to that monastery winery, or that thousand-year-old castle. That means you get food delivered and have limited TV to entertain you and you miss out on all the fun things you’ve waited to see. I hate that.

And what if I test positive in Basel before we even get on the ship? We lose the entire trip!

What if I test positive in Amsterdam before we come home? That means spending more $$ for a hotel for 10 days without working. Ugh.

You see? The What if’s are endless. And the more I think about them, the more anxious I get.

A friend recently said to me as I was ranting about this “covid thing” that sometimes what you put out in the universe you get. You do realize that I’m just quirky enough to believe this, right? I have witnessed this thing we call karma, so she suggested that I start focusing on the trip and really dig into the research so my mind is more about all the beautiful things we’re going to experience. Put the positive out there. Believe that it will all be ok.

She clearly doesn’t know me as well as she should. Pessimism is my middle name. I find the negative. Always have. Maybe this is a chance to find the positive?

I also believe that if you plan for something it won’t happen. It’s the very reason I’m debating bringing my work computer with me. I mean, if I get stuck in Amsterdam because of Covid at least I can work. Is that planning or telling the universe Covid is ok? I just don’t know.