Another Mother’s Day without Her

I didn't know yet how much this woman who is cradling me would impact my life. 

I didn't know here either.

I'm the blondy on the right

Or here

1984

1989

Or even here

The Last Mother's Day 2016

Being part of a motherless club has not been fun. I miss my mom every minute of every day. I’ve learned that it wasn’t about the big stuff that I shared with her. No. It was all the small stuff that I shared with her that I can no longer experience.

I’ve been part of this unfortunate club for 6.5 years now. I’m certainly not the only one in this club and know there are people who have spent more years in it than me. I knew when she died there’d be a lot of “firsts” that would happen. The first birthday without her. The first holiday season without her. The first promotion without her. The first Mother's Day without her. These are the days that creep up on me and just plain hurt. I was misinformed that the original grief would fade and the pain would "go away". But this hurt lasts way longer than the grief did.

The day that is BY FAR the hardest is Mother’s Day. I’ve had to go through 6 of these days and they get no easier. I have no reason to think the 7th will be any different. They hurt as much today as the first one did. It’s a day that I’m sadden by the woman I miss so much. Who I no longer have to celebrate today with. 

I feel out of place on a day everyone around me is celebrating with their moms. They are celebrating the day with a person I so desperately wish I could celebrate with. I only wish and hope that they all recognize how fortunate they are. Please go hug your mom. Or tell her you love her. Or just call her.

Time hasn’t stopped me from wanting to hide in a hole for the entire day and not come out until all the celebrating is done. Time doesn’t make me forget that my Mom was my best friend and she’s supposed to still be here with me.

While I will wish all the moms out there a Happy Mother’s day, I caution the children to hold tight to your mom. Hug her. Tell her you love her. And never, EVER, take the time you have with her for granted. It goes was too quickly and one day, sadly, you too will be part of this motherless club.

The Past

I'm sure this happens to everyone. I'm sure I'm not special in any way to feel the way I do about the past. But god damn, the past can sure rise up and bite you in the emotional ass when you least expect it. 

I'm SURE it has to do with Mom's day around the corner. I tend to get emotional when Mom's birthday, the day she died and Mother's day comes around. 

Top that with a blast from the past has me thinking about all sorts of memories and you have a recipe for some serious drama. 

It's not drama that makes me said, its just drama that makes me think about life and how wonderful it's been. 

Honestly, diving into memories from the past do have potential to make most said, or full of regrets. My memories usually make me happy, nostalgic even. It reminds me that I've had a pretty good life. Oh, sure there has been sadness and loss and regrets, but I'm learning to see those as mere blips on the grand scheme of life's adventures.

I could dwell on them and let that drag me into the abyss. But in my wiser years I see it as memories that helped shape me. And I'm ok with that and who I am ... well, for today. Tomorrow's another story.