Gone but never to be forgotten

The DadUnit passed away this morning.  After a long fight and battle, he finally finished his list I guess and was ready to move on. I will miss him beyond words. 

There are two main ways I express my feelings, writing and in photos.  I put together this photo montage of Dad through the years.  He loved his family. He loved to travel. And he loved his family - oh wait, I already said that.  Hopefully this video will give you a glimsp into the life of Alfred Jerry Wraspir (1934 - 2012). A son, a dad, a husband, a friend, a brother, a grandfather, a great grandfather and a person who helped shape me to be the woman I am today.

Goodbye Dad. Rest in Peace.

Things about the DadUnit that will make me smile for the rest of my life:
1. Every time I look at a tomato. I'll smile because that man LOVED his tomatoes. The stories I could tell of crates of tomatoes all around the house "ripening".

2.  The stinky Swiss cheese we carried with us around Europe. Each day the cheese lived in a non cooled back seat. Each day we'd stop for lunch. Each day us girl-folk would scrunch our noses up and say no way would we eat that rotten cheese. And each day Dad would slap it on his sandwich and say "nothing's wrong with this."

3. Every time I BBQ.  One of my earliest, and fondest memories, is of dad turning on his grill and slapping on a HUGE tri-tip roast.  He'd patiently let it cook and would deliver to the table one of the best things I've ever tasted.

4. Every Christmas Eve going shopping for the MomUnit's gift. What started out as an "oh God I forgot to buy your mother a gift" trip, ended up just our time. We'd go to lunch, we'd shop for mom and dad would ALWAYS buy me a Christmas gift that was from just him.  I've gotten some great gifts over the years.

5. His love for all things fruit.  The massive amount of fresh fruit we had on one of our trips to Hawaii in which we had to start giving it away to people in the hotel complex cuz we couldn't take it home.

So many more stories.  I could go on for days.  Instead, I'll end here and smile just a little while I grieve a little more.

It's not easy to say goodbye

My emotions feel like they are on the spin cycle. 

Dad's still hanging on. The hospice nurse (Side note: There's a special place in heaven for hospice care givers. ) told mom last week that it would be just a couple of days.  I ticked off each passing day with dread and sadness in my heart.  Knowing that Dad is here physically, but gone from us in all other ways.  He just hurst so much.

I've had this nagging throught in my head that perhaps dad was waiting for me to come and see him.  You know how you hear stories of loved ones waiting for the last of the family to see them and then they pass.  I was thinking that since the two older brothers had seen him, that perhaps he was waiting for me and the middle brother.  I mentioned it to mom and within a day or two she thought maybe it would be good for me to talk to dad over the phone.

Back in August of last year when dad was doing so poorly and we were sure it was the end, I made an extraordinary effort to talk to dad about how he helped mold me into the woman I was.  I thanked him for being a dad. For taking me into his heart and loving me like his own daughter.  He was awake and lucid then. And the look of pure love he gave me was enough for me.  I had made my peace with him.  He squeezed my hand and asked if it was ice cream time. (The care facility had ice cream every day at 1).  I just smiled and went to find ice cream. 

Now, almost a year later, I had to tell him it was okay to go.  Good Lord that just broke my heart.  Saving just the words, "It's okay" just tears at every last emotion I have. 

Anyhow, after telling him I loved him and would be okay because he had taught me so well, I got a song stuck in my head.  Naturally.

It's a song from Lionel Richie. So go grab a tissue...you're gonna need it.

It's Not Easy to Say Goodbye
(Ignore the other language lyrics)
I wanted you for life
you and me
in the wind
I never thought there come a time
that our story would end
its hard to understand
but I guess i'll have to try
its not easy
to say goodbye .....

For all the joy we shared
all that time we had to spend
now if I had one wish
I'd want forever back again
to look into your eyes
and hold you when you cry
its not easy
to say goodbye......
I can remember all those great times we had
There were so many memories, some good some bad
yes and through it all
those memories will last
forever .....

Theres peace in where you are
may be all I need to know
and if I listen to my heart
i'll hear your laughter once more
and so I got to say
i'm just glad you came my way
its not easy to say
goodbye.....

The Prodigal Son

I have good news!

Puck's home.

He's not exactly the same Puck as he was. Exotic travel with carnies will do that to you, but he's home.

He arrived a couple nights ago on my door step.  I had received a postcard from him days before explaining that he had "flew the coop" and was living it up with the carnival and they were in Germany. So I knew he was safe.

But before I received the post card, we were convinced that Puck was missing. I posted Missing posters everywhere. And called in the the crazies family to help find Puck.

As expected with our very large family, I started receiving leads from all over.  The most promising coming from Tucson where the MomUnit and William Eugene (younger sister) were putting William Eugene's police skills to good use.

William Eugene and the MomUnit rounded up some suspects. All of them looking guilty as ever, but William Eugene thought the blue horse in the back right looked the most suspecious.

Further stellar detective work we ascertained the monkey looked more shady. (Get it? He's in the shade.)

I received a photo from William Eugene introducing me to the sheriff she was working with.  She said he was good at finding lost ducks, but she wasn't sure why he had such a good skill for it.

Lastly she said they had the firemen on standby in case we found Puck and he needed any assistance.

Then I got the post card and we knew he was "safe".  Carnies? I knew the Seattle Center had some strange types hanging out there, but carnies? Who knew?

I also had no idea he felt couped up and wanted to live on the wild side for a while. Its true that parents rarely understand the mind of their teenagers. Still I was glad to know he was at least safe and living it up.  I figured he'd come home one day.

Then I got the phone call from him saying he was homesick and was on his way home. Typical! The grass, it turned out, wasn't greenier.  I didn't know then how ironic that statement would be until later. 

A couple of days later, this was on my doorstep.

I knew it was him.  It had air holes and part of his name on it.

I scrambled to open it. To welcome him home. Once the box was opened and he popped out, I was all, "Say what?"

The story goes like this: As part of carnie hazing, poor Puck got drunk on some toxic carnival moonshine. When he woke up in a sheep farm in Germany he had a new tattoo. He was hung over beyond belief and never got his coloring back.

He's slowly telling me stories of his days with the carnie people. And as I digest them I'll share the one's he'll allow me to share.  He's a changed duck. And as The Pantry Goat said, "It isn't easy being green."

Careful what you read

As anyone who’s ever wanted to lose weight, or maintain their weight, knows, it’s a lot about counting calories.  It's alot about balance of working Counting calories is not something I ever thought I’d do or ever care about. And yet here I sit counting every single calorie that passes my lips.

Some days it’s not bad.  Other days I loathe having to put what I’ve eaten down and see the calorie count increase.  I track my calories on MyFitnessPal.com – and there’s an app for that too – which makes adding what I consume easy. It does the math for me and I don’t have to even think much more about it.

I’ve become somewhat of a nut job reading labels these days.  I not only read labels of the foods that are good for me, wanting to understand and comprehend WHY they’re so good for me, but I read the labels of foods I used to eat every day.  Those labels scare me. I’m stunned at the amount of calories that existed in my daily diet.

I have recently been duped by the marketing of a low-calorie item I’m now addicted to. 

Crystal Light Pure.  My new best friend.  I was getting really tired of water, and needed something to livin' it up a bit with during the day. A friend told me about this and said it wasn't like the other Crystal Light drinks - which I can't stand because they taste too artificial to me. So I tried it and loved it.

I picked up my first box and read right there on the front, 15 calories per serving. Woot. 15 calories per serving, I could easily work that into my daily calorie intake and not really mess up the entire day.

They make it easy too. Inside the box are little packets already measured out for you.

Its so easy to get some extra flavor in your water. I've been drinking about one a day for about three weeks now.

Yesterday I was looking at the box and shook my head in shock and horror.  Well, okay, it wasn't that dramatic, but I do believe my mouth hung open in disbelief.

You see that?
Right there in green and white.  Each packet contains TWO servings. A "serving" is 1/2 a packet.

WHAT?

So I've been drinking 30 calories instead of 15?

I do realize, by the way, that an extra 15 calories in the grand scheme of things is not a big deal. That's not what this post is about.  This post is about how misleading the marketing on low-fat, non-fat, low-calorie, "good for you" foods can be. 

I flipped the box over one more time, BTW, and discovered their own instructions says to add a full packet to 16 ounces of water. Sneaky buggers.

Why not just say on the front 30 calories per serving, and make one serving one packet?

I couldn't believe I'd been duped. I believed what the front box said, 15 calories per serving, which isn't a lie. I just didn't take the extra step to see what a serving was.

A couple of weeks ago I had the same thing happen related to canned green beans (what? don't judge. I love canned green beans.) I buy the small cans because being a single person it makes more sense. My thought was the small can was one serving. Turns out a serving size is 1/2c. Which is next to nothing, and the can has 2 servings in it.  I was eating an extra 40 calories and didn't know it.

Again, we're not talking a large number of calories here. But it does add up. 

My point is, reading labels thoroughly HAS to become part of your every day ritual if you want to lose weight.  The weight loss industry is a multi-kabillion dollar industry and they will do anything they can to market to your need for lower caloric intake - without telling you the full truth up front.  It is my responsibility to read the labels completely, I'll admit that.

Along those same lines, I got for new cookbooks from Cuisine AT Home last night called Light Cooking.  I love Cuisine AT Home and having recipes that are designed to be lighter is just what I need. Their cookbooks are full of beautiful, scrumptious looking pictures, step by step recipes and these include the calories for each recipe.

It gives you the calories per serving. But what they don't tell you is how much a serving is. ACK!  I got me thinking, why would they produce a cookbook marketed towards lighter eating and not include the serving size?  Are they helping us or hindering us?  The photos they include, I would assume, are more than a serving, especially of the pasta photos.  Once I start cooking on my own, I guess I'll have to figure out how much each should be. Shouldn't be too hard. I'll just take what I normally would and cut that in half, then cut that in half again.

What I need is an app to tell me how much is a serving of a particular food? For example, how much is a recommended serving of fish? Does it matter the type of fish?

I'm gonna go search now and see if I can find it.  I wonder how people 25 years ago ever lost any weight without all these gadgets and gizmos that do all the work for us. Is it no wonder we're a generation with such alarming amount of obesity?

Happy Father's Day -Love The Pup

I'm struggling with what I could possibly write on a Father's Day post that I haven't already expressed.

So I'll keep it simple.

Happy Father's Day to my favorite Dads.

Dad.

Grandpa Spaid (Mom's Dad)

Grandpa Wraspir (Dad's Dad)

All three went through life in a different way, but all three believed in family, integrity and love.  Through the generations they've taught and shared some important strengths.  I'm blessed to have had some fantastic grandpa's and a fabulous Dad.

Missing

I'm sure he's having the time of his life, but his family misses him.  Sunday dinner photo just wasn't the same without him.  Sparky misses his little buddy who used to sit in the speedometer well. Things just don't feel right.

I suspect Puck jumped ship at Seattle Center when I opened my camera bag to get out my camera. He'd been despondent lately and whining about living in the wild.  I tried to express to him that living out in the wild wasn't necessarily a good, or safe, thing.  Still, he had a stubborn streak and was determined to live on the wild side.

I also suspect he's joined the circus and is living amongst the carny people.  I hope he's strong enough to not give in to their wicked ways.  He can be so influenced by his friends. 

If you see Puck, tell him to come home.  He will always have a warm meal and a roof over his head with me.  He's famous with my friends and I just don't think we showed him the appreciation he deserved, which is probably why he thinks the carnival life is more appealing.

Incredible Shrinking Woman

Its been quite a week. Thank you everyone for your wonderful words, thoughts, and prayers.  Dad's holding on.  The BiggestBro is with them through Sunday - so Dad's happy.

Today's weigh in made it an even more overwhelming week.  It's been a while since I've written about the journey I'm on so I figured I'd do a quick update.

Today I lost 2 more lbs.  WOOT!  Completely unexpected! I can't remember how long its been since I've lost 2 lbs in one week.  I've done it after not weighing in for two weeks, but not 2 lbs in one week. 

Last week was a very emotional week for me with Dad failing.  My typical way of dealing with emotional situations is to eat.  Pizza, chips, carbs, anything I can get into my mouth that will help with the pain.  This week, I paid very close attention to my thoughts about food. I found myself in the kitchen staring longingly into the pantry wanting something to snack on, anything to put in my mouth that would temporarily ease the heartache.

When I found myself looking into the pantry or fridge, I would continually ask myself if I was, in fact, hungry or was I trying to fill the hole.  I knew the answer and walked away. Thankfully there isn't any bad food in the house to tempt me - that's the biggest trick ever - if it's  not in the house, then you won't eat it. 

I also found that exercising helped keep me occupied so I wasn't sitting and feeling sad and thus wanting to eat.  Whodathunk that me, Jenn Wraspir, would go to the gym, willingly, instead of eating?  Crazy the way the new way of thinking is working. 

The gym and I have become friends.  Even days I just don't want to go, it calls me and tells me to get my fat a** there. 

I recently upped my workout too. I started doing about 10 minutes more, and interval training on the elliptical.  My goal is to burn 500 calories every time I'm at the gym. If I finish my 30 minutes and I've not met 500 calories, I stay on.  Since I know 3500 calories equals a pound, I can get 2500 calories working out, and the other 1000 is by my lower caloric intake.  Apparently it's working.

I added a supplement to my diet to. I added it a couple of week's ago and am now wondering if it is working.  It's Green Coffee Bean extract.  According to what I've read it helps boost your metabolism and helps push any fat you eat through your system and doesn't allow it to stick around and find a happy home.  I doubt it's solely the reason, but it may be working.

Next week is a measuring week.  I can really see a different around my mid-section which is where I carry a lot of the weight. Its been where I've lost the most inches.

The MomUnit did the math today and told me if I continue to lose 2 lbs a week I will have lost 104lbs this year.  I doubt I'll keep up the 2 lbs a week. I think this may have been an anomaly. But we shall see. My goal is 50 lbs this year. I think I'm on track and may need to pick up the pace a bit.

Heartache

This is a very emotional post and difficult to write.  Yet my mind and heart feels it needs to be done. 

My dad is dying.

Gosh that’s a hard thing to type.  Let alone, read, think or say.  It hurts.  But it’s the reality.  He’s dying.

The heartache is almost unbearable to even imagine a world without this man. 

Last Sunday he chose to take himself off all his medications. You may recall in January - we brought him home under hospice care.  We continued to treat his diabetes, the Parkinson's, and the Alzheimer's. Now, he’s only on meds that will keep him comfortable. The hospice nursed asked him directly on Sunday what his wishes were.  When he was informed the meds were doing no good for him, he chose to discontinue taking them.  I’m thrilled he was lucid enough to make that choice for himself, and at the same time deeply saddened.

He’s dad. He’s supposed to be here forever.  He’s supposed to walk me down the aisle one day.  He’s supposed to see m through all my difficult time and joyous times in life.  He’s not supposed to be gone.  

The mind knows this is the right thing.  He has no quality of life and he’s been fighting illness for so long now. I’m sure he’s tired. But the heart… the heart has another plan.  The heart isn’t ready to let go and so my mind and heart are in a constant battle over this. 

My friend L said it the best, “This is so hard, even knowing it's right for him and is his own wishes. No matter how "right" it is, this is your dad, and there's no getting out of this without tremendous heartbreak.”

I was thinking about my life with dad and all that he brought to me. He didn't do it alone, of course, mom had a lot to do with my upbringing just as much as dad. Together they made a team. 

A friend asked me my favorite memories of dad and what I expect to take with me once he's gone.  It made me think about writing his eulogy. There’s no way I could stand up in front of people and read it, but I can type it and express just how awesome he was and how much I’m going to miss him.

I know he’s not gone yet, and some may think this is morbid to even do while he’s still alive, but it is cathartic for me to express the love I have for this man.

When I was in 7^th grade my mom married my dad. The following June I bought him a coffee cup that said, “Any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.” I didn’t know then just how much that coffee cup would ring true throughout my life.  He was truly a dad. 

He taught me so much. Some useful, like how to BBQ, other things not so useful like how to fish - or he tried anyhow. 

He believed in me 100%.  He never doubted what I could do and always, ALWAYS pushed me to be better than I was.

He stood behind me. Quietly mostly, and helped guide me to make the right decisions in life. And when I didn’t make the right decisions he was there with a gentle nudge to help get me on the right path.

He held my hand. He got to see first-hand the heartbreak of my first love not loving me back.  When I was worried or scared about something life threw at me, he would give me sage advice – advice I didn’t always agree with or think was right – but that’s what kids do. And yet in my later years I discovered that there was some truth to his words.

He gave me the world and encouraged me to experience the world. 

He taught me the importance of family.  Sharing with us the Wraspir hedge. 

He taught me how to laugh by telling me the same goofy joke every time I returned home from college.  I laughed every time. Not because I thought the joke was funny, but because dad was telling it again and amused to do so.

He taught me to dance. Well, not really but kinda. I have fond memories of him putting on the Don Williams LP and begging me, a teenage girl, to dance with him to the song “I Believe in You.”  I’d roll my eyes, but he’d eventually convince me. I was horrible  at following. He'd sing the words he knew and hum the words he didn't.

He taught me to cook.  He and mom decided I should cook once a week.  I started with the basics and as I grew dad introduced me to exotic cuisine like Hunter’s Stew, Spanish rice, Ribs, and anything that could be BBQ’d.

He made me smile. He made me cry. He made me mad. He made me frustrated. He made me love.

My dad is dying. He will be missed. But I find solace in knowing he lived a good life, he’s left a beautiful legacy behind him and he’ll be at peace.

I’ve had to consider life without him and how I will survive.  And the answer is almost immediate, he will still be in my life. Just not physically. 

Every time I light the BBQ he’ll be there.

Every time we tell a story about him, he’ll be there.

Every time I hear I Believe in You, he’ll be there.

Every time I spend with family, he’ll be there. 

He may be gone, but he will not be forgotten.

I love you Dad and will miss you terribly. 

Where were you 25 years ago?



The Canadian Cookie Fairy and I getting ready for the Boat Dance in 1987

Even as I type it I can’t even believe 25 years has gone by. I blinked and its gone.  Whatever will the next 25 be.

Roommate Rachel and I all dressed up.

June 5^th, 1987 was a sunny day. The grounds of TASIS never looked better. Was it because they dressed them up for us graduates? Or was it because I was suddenly going to miss them?  Either way, the sun was out and I was standing at a major junction of my life.  

A plethora of emotions washed through me as we got ready for the ceremony.

Thrilled because I was graduating.  My grades weren’t the top of the class, but they were okay.

Scared at what my future was going to be. What next?

Sad to be leaving my many TASIS friends behind.  We all lived all over the world. Would I see them again? (Remember this was WELL before the Internet and Facebook) Would they remember me?

Nervous to be walking with our class.  Would I trip going up the stairs?  Would I fall on my face after receiving my diploma?

Anxious to get going.  Get the ceremony over with. All the while hoping it went slowly so I can take it in and remember.

But most of all, I was hopeful.  My future was in front of me. I wouldn’t know it at the time, but my life would not turn out as I had naively planned. We thought we knew everything on that day. Yet we now realize we knew very little. We thought we had seen and done it all with living abroad and going to a boarding school. Yet we had done and seen so little. We thought we’d be someone special and save the world. Yet we barely knew who we were.

Dad, me and Mom - I think mom was more proud of the diploma than I was.

Ah…the good old days.  Sometimes I miss them so much my gut aches to go back. Then I remember it was the 80’s and high school really wasn’t ALL that I remember. Classes, schedules, teachers, labs, laundry, dining, study hall, more study hall, more classes, drama beyond belief, more laundry. 

So here’s a toast to the Class of 1987!  We were something then, and we are truly something now!

Race Day

The Race for the Cure (R4TC) was yesterday. It was, again, an overwhelming display of support for breast cancer awareness.  8500 participants raised $1.1M.  Congrats to all of them and their efforts.

The crowd of walkers.

For this supporter, I clapped from the sidelines and helped, instead, man the 3Day booth.  We talked and chatted up all shades of walkers this year and the general feeling was we may have even got a few to consider signing up.

BigBro, Seattle SIL, and Georgia

The day, for me, was more than just breast cancer awareness, it’s a chance to spend time with many of my favorite people....

Princess Lori, Seattle SIL, Moi, Georgia, and R (nickname TBD).

and a few dogs,

OMG I loved this dog. She thought everyone was there to pet her.

I need to find this for Pookie.

and a 2013 Mustang

WOOF!

But mostly the people. 

I have no comment.

Blueberry and I

Blueberry, Moi, Georgia, and Princess Lori

The survivor parade gets me all choked up every year and this year was no different.  The 54+ year survivors amaze me considering how much wasn’t know when they were diagnosed and the 0-1 year survivors get me. Their journey really in its infancy.

Blueberry walking in the Survivor Parade.

After the R4TC, we all headed over to my new favorite field coordinator, let’s see…she needs a nickname…Let’s call her Georgia for now since that’s where she’s most recently from. Anyhow Georgia had the getting started volunteers to her place for a “thank you BBQ.” The weather held out and we all sat on a roof top in downtown Seattle, marveling at their view.  We traded stories, we laughed, we discussed fishing, and politics, and me running the 5K R4TC next year, and so many more topics.  I got a chance to get to know a few folks that I knew from afar, or barely knew via Facebook (turns out one of them reads my blog – Hi R – thanks for reading!).  It was an incredible day.

I got home and I crashed.  I’m still not sure how I can be so tired when I didn’t walk the 5K, all I did was stand around and jabber at some folks.  But man it wiped me out.

Tomorrow…tomorrow is a special day. You’ll have to come back to read the blog to find out why!

Atta Girl

Do you remember back in school, most likely elementary, when you would get a gold star for something you had achieved or done well?  I didn’t get a ton of gold stars, but I’ll admit I’m a gold star junkie.  I love getting praise and approval for my actions.  It’s not because I didn’t get that as a child. And it’s not because I like attention. I think everyone likes getting kudos and praise. I mean why wouldn’t you?

I had a friend recently ask, almost disgustedly, why I was being so vocal and outspoken about my weight loss journey. She admitted that she was slightly mortified by how much I was sharing on my blog on Facebook. (Which made me wonder if I’m over sharing, but I quickly decided I was not.) She also admitted that she’d never, ever put anything that personal out there for the world to judge. 

Her comment got me wondering why I was sharing. There’s a couple of glaringly obvious reasons 1) accountability and 2) I like to share. But it got me wondering if sharing this information played into another little personality quirk I have - being a gold star junkie.

I’m a gold star junkie.

There I’ve said it. Multiple times.

The author of “Happiness Project” book I was reading discusses being a gold star junkie. She explains how she’s totally a gold star junkie and how it works, or sometimes not works, in her life.  Where her expectations have been higher than the praise she’s received from say her husband. Her examples of how she craves praise hit home with me. It’s never in an annoying way, or a “if I don’t get praise I think I suck” way. No for me it’s more that I like to get kudos. I firmly believe the more positive re-enforcement I can get, the better my journey is going to be. Sounds selfish doesn’t it? Maybe it is. And I’m ok with that.  My frame of mine is whatever it takes. The thing is, I can’t do this alone folks. 

After serious contemplation about this, because I don’t want to be a gold star junkie all the time, I’ve decided that the amount of effort I’m putting into myself currently is equal to the amount of praise and “atta girl”s I might get. I’ve done a lot in my life to be proud of, and can usually manage the internal praise and am ok with that. This, though, seems tougher and thus requires more praise.

At the end of the day, I’m not losing weight for praise. That’s just stupid. I’m not changing my lifestyle so that I get kudos from people on Facebook. I’m not sharing my journey to have someone say, “you go girl!” No, I’m sharing it because I hope that it motivates people. I guess I figure if I can do it, then so can you. Yes, I’m pointing at you.

Unrelated to weight loss I did recently get an “atta girl” from work - for work reasons - that made me smile. The “way to go” from an unexpected source always seems to make me even more happy. To know that you are valued and that your work is appreciated by someone you didn’t even know knew you did work here, goes a long way to make me want to work harder and achieve even more.