Heartache

This is a very emotional post and difficult to write.  Yet my mind and heart feels it needs to be done. 

My dad is dying.

Gosh that’s a hard thing to type.  Let alone, read, think or say.  It hurts.  But it’s the reality.  He’s dying.

The heartache is almost unbearable to even imagine a world without this man. 

Last Sunday he chose to take himself off all his medications. You may recall in January - we brought him home under hospice care.  We continued to treat his diabetes, the Parkinson's, and the Alzheimer's. Now, he’s only on meds that will keep him comfortable. The hospice nursed asked him directly on Sunday what his wishes were.  When he was informed the meds were doing no good for him, he chose to discontinue taking them.  I’m thrilled he was lucid enough to make that choice for himself, and at the same time deeply saddened.

He’s dad. He’s supposed to be here forever.  He’s supposed to walk me down the aisle one day.  He’s supposed to see m through all my difficult time and joyous times in life.  He’s not supposed to be gone.  

The mind knows this is the right thing.  He has no quality of life and he’s been fighting illness for so long now. I’m sure he’s tired. But the heart… the heart has another plan.  The heart isn’t ready to let go and so my mind and heart are in a constant battle over this. 

My friend L said it the best, “This is so hard, even knowing it's right for him and is his own wishes. No matter how "right" it is, this is your dad, and there's no getting out of this without tremendous heartbreak.”

I was thinking about my life with dad and all that he brought to me. He didn't do it alone, of course, mom had a lot to do with my upbringing just as much as dad. Together they made a team. 

A friend asked me my favorite memories of dad and what I expect to take with me once he's gone.  It made me think about writing his eulogy. There’s no way I could stand up in front of people and read it, but I can type it and express just how awesome he was and how much I’m going to miss him.

I know he’s not gone yet, and some may think this is morbid to even do while he’s still alive, but it is cathartic for me to express the love I have for this man.

When I was in 7^th grade my mom married my dad. The following June I bought him a coffee cup that said, “Any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.” I didn’t know then just how much that coffee cup would ring true throughout my life.  He was truly a dad. 

He taught me so much. Some useful, like how to BBQ, other things not so useful like how to fish - or he tried anyhow. 

He believed in me 100%.  He never doubted what I could do and always, ALWAYS pushed me to be better than I was.

He stood behind me. Quietly mostly, and helped guide me to make the right decisions in life. And when I didn’t make the right decisions he was there with a gentle nudge to help get me on the right path.

He held my hand. He got to see first-hand the heartbreak of my first love not loving me back.  When I was worried or scared about something life threw at me, he would give me sage advice – advice I didn’t always agree with or think was right – but that’s what kids do. And yet in my later years I discovered that there was some truth to his words.

He gave me the world and encouraged me to experience the world. 

He taught me the importance of family.  Sharing with us the Wraspir hedge. 

He taught me how to laugh by telling me the same goofy joke every time I returned home from college.  I laughed every time. Not because I thought the joke was funny, but because dad was telling it again and amused to do so.

He taught me to dance. Well, not really but kinda. I have fond memories of him putting on the Don Williams LP and begging me, a teenage girl, to dance with him to the song “I Believe in You.”  I’d roll my eyes, but he’d eventually convince me. I was horrible  at following. He'd sing the words he knew and hum the words he didn't.

He taught me to cook.  He and mom decided I should cook once a week.  I started with the basics and as I grew dad introduced me to exotic cuisine like Hunter’s Stew, Spanish rice, Ribs, and anything that could be BBQ’d.

He made me smile. He made me cry. He made me mad. He made me frustrated. He made me love.

My dad is dying. He will be missed. But I find solace in knowing he lived a good life, he’s left a beautiful legacy behind him and he’ll be at peace.

I’ve had to consider life without him and how I will survive.  And the answer is almost immediate, he will still be in my life. Just not physically. 

Every time I light the BBQ he’ll be there.

Every time we tell a story about him, he’ll be there.

Every time I hear I Believe in You, he’ll be there.

Every time I spend with family, he’ll be there. 

He may be gone, but he will not be forgotten.

I love you Dad and will miss you terribly.