A Monster Calls

Courtesy of B&N

On Nov 29, 2013 I lost my brother. It wasn't part of my life plan. It wasn't supposed to happen…ever. When he told us in the summer he had been diagnosed with cancer but it was survivable, I believed him. I needed to believe him. I knew my life would be forever changed if he left us.  The magnitude of impact he had on my life is overwhelming, and this was while he was living. What type of magnitude would it be when he was gone?

I didn't want to accept it. I couldn't. Accepting it would mean letting the cancer win.  When he did finally go I sat in his hospital room, stunned, barely able to think, reminding myself to just breathe. I couldn't look at him. I stared, instead, at his feet. His toes. I just stared. Someone was saying something, I could hear the noise, but couldn't listen. Someone was praying and I was angry. How dare they ask God for help now? Isn't it too late? I had to leave the room.

As I walked back out to the waiting room, I almost started giggling. I guess we weren't "waiting" any longer. It would be a grieving room. Then another thought came to my mind, it's a thought that came to me shortly after my dad passed away too. I was embarrassed to have thought it at the time, and now I think it gave me some type of relief. I was glad the "waiting" was over. I was done. I was tired of this.

This book, A Monster Calls, is about a 10 year old boy whose mother is dying, presumably of cancer. The boy starts having a nightmare during his mom's treatments. The nightmare, he thinks, develops a tree monster who comes to visit him. The Yew Tree Monster (YTM from now on) seems scary and appears to be there to cause trouble. Connor isn't sure what to make of the tree at first and thinks he's dreaming. The YTM tells him he has three stories to tell him and then Connor will tell him the 4th story.

The stories are, of course, learning experiences for Connor, but he doesn't quite get what he's supposed to learn. You get an idea that he might, but he's not ready to. As the story progresses you see him slowly, like a snail, coming to grips to his reality. 

The final story is one he must tell. He must tell the truth. His truth is he's tired of his mom being sick. His nightmare is of him not being able to hold on to his mother as she is drug off a cliff by a monster.  The YTM helps Connor understand his truth is okay to say out loud. It's ok to be angry that his mom is dying and it's ok to say he wasn't ready for her to leave. 

Connor's truth was that he was tired of the whole cancer thing. He just wanted it to be over. I hadn't had words for my feelings as I sat in the not so waiting room after BigBro died. I knew I felt relieved, but couldn't understand why.  I wonder now if Connor's truth was my own truth.

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some of my favorite quotes from the book:

“You do not write your life with words...You write it with actions. What you think is not important. It is only important what you do.”  

"Your mind will believe comforting lies while also knowing the painful truths that make those lies necessary. And your mind will punish you for believing both.”  

“I wish I had a hundred years, she said, very quietly. A hundred years I could give to you.” His mother said to him.

"If you speak the truth, the monster whispered in his ear, you will be able to face whatever comes.”  

“Conor held tightly onto his mother.
And by doing so, he could finally let her go.”