Birthday Bash!

I think I'm still recovering from the birthday bash. I didn't drink too much, but man I was exhausted from all the standing and jabbering that took place. Don't get me wrong, I loved that I got to stand and jabber with most of my favorite people.

Chez Jenn's was at capacity. We had 18 people here - expected 21 - and we were packed to the gills.  Everyone brought their favorite appetizer and we had so much food here we could have fed a small village.  Everything was delicious and most were not low-cal.  Notable appetizers: homemade goat cheese, Olive yummies, meatballs and little smokies, dips, dips and more dips.

I think for Sunday dinners moving forward I will not bother taking a "normal" photo. I never post them or use them in the scrapbook, so why bother.

Just one more day in 2013. I am not ashamed to admit I'm READY for this year to be gone. As I reflect over the year I can see many, many happy things that happened.  I'd like to focus on those, but sadly, I had quite a bit of loss this year.  I'm ready to put it behind me. 2014 comes rushing in with a clean slate. I've got my goals done and I'm ready to start working on them. Do you have your goals done yet?

Merry Ho Ho

Merry Ho Ho everyone.  And with that another Christmas season is wrapped up and decorated with a bow.  Phew. I'm done with Christmas this year. December has turned out to be a long month, and one I'm ready to say "so long" to.  Let's start 2014.  Clean slate.

But before we get into 2014 so much, let's review Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  What a splendid couple of days it was too.

The original plan for Christmas Eve was for the MomUnit and I to head off to a fancy pants dinner at the Salish Lodge. My gift to the MomUnit.  Once I found out I'd be out of work on the 24th of January I quickly reviewed my calendar for things I could not do and save $$.  The MomUnit was fine with us tossing the Salish, figuring we'd do our traditional meal instead. 

Instead we were invited out to the Braspir's for prime rib.  Who passes up prime rib for a stinking tradition? Not this kid. And not the mother of this kid.  So off we went.

People, I feel bad that some of you have never met the Braspir's.  They are family.  I combined their last name with ours so that it can show just how close they are to us. And they were thrilled. (On a side not, if I had reversed the order and put our name first we would have been the Wraschs - pronounced "rashes"). Anyhow, we were greeted with open arms and hugs all around. 

They live out in what I call the "country" here.  I swear you have to pack a lunch just to get to their house.  They have a charming house that was all decorated.  The savory smell of prime rib wafting from inside greeted us at the door.  After much merriment, and many drinks, we got down to business of eating. The prime rib was spectacular.  A bit too rare for me - it moo'd when you stabbed your fork into it - so Mrs. Braspir and I nuked ours just a tad. The rest of the fam was happy as anything to eat such a lovely piece of meat.

The night progressed and we got goofier...Mr. Braspir, in particular was in rare form. God that man makes me laugh. 

Their tree was beautiful and made me feel like Christmas was finally here.  I missed my tree this year. Maybe next year.

The Braspir Christmas Tree.  So merry and bright

The "Bras" half of the Braspir family. I love these people so much.

The MomUnit and I ...we have so few photos of us together. I'm going to remedy that.

After coming home and declaring we were never going to eat again, we got up on Christmas morning and began prepping for Christmas Dinner.

Mr. and Mrs. Hotlanta were bringing the prime rib.  How I managed to be surrounded by people who love their prime rib and who love to feed me their prime rib is beyond me. I swear it's not an interview question.

They showed up sometime around 1 and Mr. Hotlanta promptly started getting the prime rib together for cooking. It smelled so good in this house that my mouth was watering.

We got out our appetizers and waited for Seattle SIL and Seattle Niece to get here.  Once they arrived, the real merriment started.  I was unsure how it would be to not have BigBro here with them, but it turned out I only missed him about a hundred times instead of the thousand times.

Mr. Hotlanta set off the fire alarms a couple of times during the cooking process, but when he was done, oh man....that prime rib was so delicious.  I made twiced baked potatoes and my favorite green bean recipe to go along with the before mentioned slab of meat. 

Just look at that! Take a moment and just imagine how incredible good that tasted.  You'd be right. Once he sliced into it we all let out a collective "ahhhh".

Its funny to see this photo and all the slabs of meat on our plates and nothing else. Darn Mrs. Hotlanta for closing her eyes.  I think she was just blinded by the beauty that was the prime rib.

Finally, the sides were passed and we were ready to eat.  After eating everything on my plate, and then maybe a brownie or two after, I swore I'd never eat again.

Which reminds me...it's dinner time. BRB

Merry Christmas Eve

Last year when the DadUnit died, I tried for hours to find a photo I KNEW I had taken of he and I going out on our annual Christmas Eve shopping trip. I couldn't find it. I looked through every scrapbook I had and still couldn't find it.

Fast forward to the last couple of months where I've been taking photos of all my scrapbook pages for safe keeping....I found it!

I'm sad that we only have one photo of us doing this, but one photo will have to be enough.

In case you don't recall, the story goes like this.

One year many moons ago, the DadUnit whispered to me that he hadn't shopped for the MomUnit yet and would I go with him.  I pointed out it was Christmas Eve, at which time he said, "And?"

From there it became our special time. He'd always buy me a special gift that was from just him. Over the years I tried to come up with things that he'd know about - to make him feel useful.  We'd have lunch, go shopping, the MomUnit would get EVERY THING on her list, we'd come home and I'd wrap gifts for three hours. 

It's something I'll never forget. And as I sit here this Christmas Eve and ponder traditions that are now gone, I can't help but think about how to make new traditions. It's sad to me that we've lost so much this last year, and yet I find strength in knowing that we will over come the loss and move on. New traditions are to be made.

And let's not forget all the old traditions that still exist? Frito Lollies on Christmas Eve, the MomUnit eating 12 grapes on New Year's Eve, Sunday dinners, my themed birthday parties, decorating the day after Thanksgiving, undecorating the day after Christmas, clam dip for an appetizer, and so on.  There is so much we still have to be thankful for.  I'm going to choose to look at those moments now and not linger on the sad ones.

Who's with me?

Christmas Eve Eve - Or as Patron Saint calls it...Christmas Adam

Merry Christmas Eve Eve everyone. 

This season hasn't been the merriest, though admittedly it hasn't been a bummer either. I haven't been in the normal Christmas spirit that I usually find myself in. The house is only half decorated, so I guess my spirit is only half into it. (As I type this Linus is pestering the fake poinsettias....again.) And considering all that has gone on in the last month or so, I think I've earned a "bah humbug" or two.

The MomUnit is still here. We made our traditional Frito Lollies tonight that we normally make on Christmas Eve.  Why tonight? Well because Mrs. Braspir (aka Queen PopUp) and her hubby invited the MomUnit and I to their house for prime rib. Yum.

Originally I had made reservations at the Salish Lodge for the MomUnit and I. It's a relative hoity toy-tee place that was fancy and I figured it would be a nice thing for us to do. Once I heard I'd be out of a job in January, we cancelled those reservations fast.  Next time maybe.

On the job front, I spoke with three recruiters today and have informational interviews all set up for Thursday and Friday. I love how fast this is moving and really hope that something comes out of any of these. We shall see.

Snow-ma-giddon

There's something about waking up when it's snowed overnight. It's quieter in the morning and all you hear is the scrape of a snow plow against the pavement. Oh wait! Not this year because DOT doesn't have budget to plow.

Anyhow, it snowed out here today. 

In Seattle that basically means the city shuts down.  To our credit we do have a bunch of hills, and a ton of people who don't know how to drive in the snow (myself included) and think they know how to drive in the snow.

The demons aren't sure what this white stuff is.  I lured Linus out to the deck with a toy and he went as far as the snow and stopped. Lucy, on the other hand, saw the open door and booked. She didn't get far until she realized what she was in was wet and cold.

I used to love snow days because it meant I could stay home and enjoy the snow. Now working from home it means a snow day just means I work from home.

Speaking of work, I won't be doing that for too much longer. I found out on Thursday that my current project management position is going away. My contract will officially end on Jan 24th. Oh goody. An early NON-Christmas gift. Maybe this is karma's version of coal.  I'm sure I'll find something but am not too happy about having to look.  I don't blame the team and their decision, it's a decision that makes sense and frankly, this is the life of a contract worker.

Favorite Meal

I signed up for these 27 days of blog prompts (Thanks BeagleBabe for the suggestion) in which each day, obviously, I'll get a suggested topic. The idea is to, like any muscle, exercise your writing muscle. 

Today's suggested topic is what your favorite childhood meal was.

I didn't have to ponder this for long. I immediately had a couple of thoughts when I did a quick think of my favorite childhood food. Then I realized I didn't have a specific favorite.  Instead there are meals I learned to cook that I still cook today. And those are what popped to mind.

I credit the MomUnit and the DadUnit for my love of cooking.  When they were married, ONE, (of the many chores - I was so abused to have chores as a child) was I made the salad for dinner every night AND cracked the ice AND did the dishes after dinner. I hated all of them.

Then the ParentalUnits suggested that once a week I was responsible for cooking the meal. They outlined what that meant as to my responsibility and so I got to work. 

It meant I had to have in mind what I was going to cook, the grocery list to the ParentalUnits and a "can-do" attitude.  This, for whatever reason, gave me something to look forward too. AND it meant that mom/dad had to make the salad, crack the ice AND do the dishes. THAT made it all worth it.

I started out small, and made recipes the DadUnit taught me. I don't recall what my first meal was, but I have recollections of making Hunter's Stew (I can't believe I don't have Hunter's Stew as a recipe on my cooking blog. I'll remedy that in short order) on a regular basis.  Mom's Tacos and enchiladas was another recipe I remember making.  I didn't have a 'favorite' as much as I had a 'favorite chore'.

First let's discuss Hunter's Stew.  Hunter's Stew is the one recipe that I still make today.  It is one of the few recipes that I will gladly eat the leftovers of.  In fact, the leftovers are almost better. The recipe may have changed over the years - adjusted for memory lapses.  BigBro and I had discussed this before and his version of Hunter's Stew was quite different from mine, which leads me to believe I changed it up a bit.

It's a simple dish. Designed to be made while camping, or in their case, hunting.  It's all canned goods and burger.

You take burger, brown it, then dump in a can of Veg-All, a can of kidney beans, a jar of picante sauce, a can of cut green beans, and a small can of corn.  Now, admittedly the can of green beans and can of corn are my own addition. Blueberry and I decided years ago when we lived together that we wanted more of those veggies. 

You let that cook for 15 minutes or so (oh and don't drain the cans of their liquid) until the liquid evaporates a bit.

Then you make Bisquik dumplings and plop them on top. That recipe calls for 10 minutes with them uncovered, then 10 minutes covered. You then take off the lid. Dump a bunch onto a plate or into a bowl, and take a bite...burning your tongue every single time.  Ok, so that last part isn't part of the recipe but what I do every...single... time.

The second food that popped to mind is the MomUnit's tacos and enchiladas.  I won't go into great detail with how they're made because I actually do have that recipe on my cooking blog, but suffice it to say they aren't low in calories. 

The one memory that stands out the most is making the taco shells.  Back in the day before hard taco shells were available, you had to make your own.  This meant filling a skillet with oil (sometimes we'd use Crisco). Then you'd slide the corn tortilla into the hot oil, and flip it in half. The challenge was trying to keep it open enough so you could stuff it with meat and what not.  I never did perfect doing that and the bottom of the shell was always closer together than the top.  Stuffing meat into the crevice was the fun in it.  And oh, those cold tacos the next day....YUM...Of course you'd eat them with bandaged hands because you always got burnt by the hot oil.  It was considered a badge of honor.

And the enchiladas...I can't even tell you how good they were.  I don't think I've modified that recipe one bit. If anything else I actually make it like the MomUnit did - for example, she put in onions and green chilies. For years I didn't like either in my enchiladas...now  I do. Go figure.

But again, nothing low-cal with these. You soften the corn tortilla by dipping it in hot oil...that in and of itself screams calories. But they are so worth it. And I figured, if you only have them once in a great while, then you're ok to have the higher calorie.  Right?

Those are my two fondest memories of food that came immediately to mind.  Do you have any favorite foods?

December Sunday Dinner

We close the year out with a festive and sugar filled Sunday dinner.  It's the annual December Cookie Exchange Sunday dinner.

There was much merriment. Much sugar. Much food. And much fun.

I have to admit, I was worried what this first Sunday dinner without BigBro would be like. I was concerned there would be a somber feeling to it. Turns out all my friends are very festive and made the Sunday dinner enjoyable with no reminders that BigBro wasn't there.  I mean you could still feel his presence missing.  For example, I  missed him and Blueberry arguing of who parked in "his" spot.  I missed him coming into the house and announcing in his loud boisterous voice, "Bless all in this house."

And I missed his gigantic bear hug.

Still we pressed on and we celebrated the love of friends and family. The MomUnit got to be here for another Sunday dinner. And what a good one she got to enjoy too.

I had 10 guests last night. I had, at one point, 13 and slowly people had to cancel for one reason or another. No worries, they'll be welcomed back.

The entertainment of the night was Linus in his Snowman costume.

You can tell he loved being in it.  Not.

Second entertainment was Zoe.  She's a sweet dog and put up with being stalked by Lucy.  Lucy was in ONE CRANKY mood last night. She did not appreciate me bringing a dog into the house.

A couple of the guests, who shall remain nameless, decided they wanted to do a pasta test with the gluten free pasta.  I swear the used ever pot and pan I had in the house. The kitchen was a disaster and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to take a photo.

It really doesn't do it justice. It was a  mess. I'm on the 3rd load of dishes today.

Still, in the end we had quite the variety of goodies and treats. I sent most home with HikerGirl (oh yah, BTW, HikerGirl was here to visit. It was great to get caught up with her.)

I kept it simple and made Bolognese, Caesar salad and cheesy olive bread.  No carbs  and no calories here.

Just look at all those treats!

Just look at all those sugar crazed people.

Not shown in the photo is Lucy. She had had enough by the time this photo was taken and she bolted, scratching Mrs. Landlord on the way. Also not in the photo is Mrs. HotLanta.  She and Zoe had to take off a bit early.

So here closeth another Sunday dinner year.  Maybe next year we can get back to the rotating Sunday dinner.

Friday the 13th

Are you a superstitious person? I try not to be, but sometimes I can't help it. I blame Grandma Spaid.  She had all sorts of "Old wives tales" and I remember feeling like she really believed in them. Now granted I was younger and could have totally read her wrong.

Speaking of reading, I just finished my 49th book this year.  I'm not sure I'll be able to get 52 by the end of the year. The book I started last night after finishing the December book club book, is only 120 pages.  If I could find just two more like that then I should be good.  OR... I could go to Barnes and Noble and read a couple Dr. Suess books. Does that count?

Speaking of goals, do you have any for this coming year?  I have been putting mine together over the last couple of weeks. I'll share them when I'm done.

I'm big on goals.  And I'm big on adjusting them.  I see nothing wrong if you start with one goal and readjust it mid year. 

Speaking of mid-year, when last we reviewed my goals it was July.  Let's check in again to see where I am now.

2013 Goals - Review
1. Read more!
 As I mentioned above, I'm so very close to my 52 books this year. I find it interesting that my goal was "Read More" and didn't include a number of how many to read.  Somewhere along the way I decided to read a book a week.  Next year, this goal will need to be more specific.

 2. Scrapbooking
My goal was to control my purchasing of scrapbook supplies.  HAHAHAH. Its a good goal, but again, I need to be a bit more specific.  Its hard to not spend with regards to scrapbook supplies.  Still I did pretty well and wrangling it in, but not nearly as good as I wanted.  This next year I'll need to really focus on it. I have some ideas on how and will share them with you later. I can tell you it does not include shock therapy.

3. Photography
 My goal here was to get out at least 6 times this year to shoot photos. It didn't seem like that difficult of a thing to do, and yet, I think I only got out a handful.  I shot Georgetown, Pike Place, Ballard/Seattle Library, and ... and... well that's it. Darn it.

 4. Finances
The savings plan is going ok. Not nearly as well as I had planned. I'm thrilled that I've done as well as I have and know that I need to take it up a notch. 

 5. Health
This one stunk.  I really didn't do well on the exercise and eat right plan. I need to really focus on this again. I gained some of the weight back and I can tell.  The lack of working out has really made me feel sluggish and unhealthy.  Time to make that change.

 6. Blog more.
 November helped with this. I tried to do the 30 days of blogging, had a rough patch toward the end for obvious reasons, but still got myself back into the rhythm.  I miss writing and I miss telling you all about my life. You know you wanna know!!!

So there we are.  Didn't do nearly as well this year as I had planned, but did well enough.  Many of these will end up on the goals for next year - they always do.  I just need to be more specific in my goals.

Do you do goals? What are some of your goals?

Daily reminders

Its been almost a week since we lost BigBro. I know I am missing him only one tenth of what Seattle SIL is, and for that I feel very sad.  I miss the big guy more than ever it seems.

I keep assuming, and I know, that each day will get better.  And yet each day something, random usually, reminds me of our loss.  Today it was geese flying above me.  I thought about how he'd pretend to shoot them every time he'd see something like that.

Which led me to his legendary Donald Duck voice.  That made me smile.

Which led me to search my photos for goofy photos of him. And let me tell you, it would be harder to find a normal photo of him.  He really was not normal...in a good way.

I picked up my mail today and was excited to see what looked like cards in the mail. I love this time of year and getting Christmas cards from friends and family long and far. Reading their letters to get me updated on what happened over the year is one of my all time favorite past times.

Only these cards, weren't what I was expecting. I opened the first card to find a sympathy card. I read it, teared up a bit and moved on to the next, and the next, and the next. All sympathy cards. 

I love them too, don't get me wrong. I just wasn't expecting them.  I remember the shock I felt when the DadUnit died at how many sympathy cards I received and at the same time how comforting they were. I find these just as comforting.

They weren't Christmas cards, but they still, somehow, made my day.

Its turned cold here in the Pacific Northwest. We're breaking records right and left with just how cold it is. Woke up this morning to 18 degrees. That's insane and completely uncalled for here. Bring back the 40's.

Tomorrow at 11:50am, would you mind having a moment of silence for the big guy? It would surely warm my heart.

A poem

A friend of mine shared this with me on Facebook and it hit a chord. Now I'm sharing it with you.

Feel no guilt in laughter, he knows how much you care.
Feel no sorrow in a smile that he's not here to share.
You cannot grieve forever, he wouldn't want you to.
He had hopes you'd carry on, the way you always do.
So talk about the good times and the ways you showed you cared,
The days you spent together and the ways you showed you cared.
The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared
Let memories surround you, a word someone may say
Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour a day
That brings him back as clearly as though he were still here
And fills you with the feelings that he is always near.
For if you keep these moments, you will never be apart,
And he will live forever locked safe within your heart.

Two simple words...

"He's gone."

That's what I texted to my community of friends who were sitting vigil virtually.  November 30th at 11:50am, BigBro lost his battle with cancer.  The cancer was just more stubborn than he was.  He went peacefully with is family by his side.

The week leading up to it was just so overwhelming and so emotionally charged.  I would cry at the drop of any mention of him passing.  One look at The  Niece and I'd cry. One look at Mrs. Niece and I'd cry.  It was an impossible situation to not cry in, and I was ok with that.

If I've learned nothing over the years, it's been "let the tears flow".  They aren't a sign of weakness but a sign of hurt.  And hurt we felt.

BigBro really came into my life in 2008.  We were "family" before. Only doing things on birthday's
or the occasional holiday. Then in 2008 we trained for the 3day.  In those many training miles, we became friends. We became family.  The bond between us continued to grow, year after year, and I can say that he (and his wife) are two of my closest friends.  I'd call on them for anything.  Now he's gone.  Leaving us to grieve his loss and be so very thankful for the time we did have with him.

I think about all the things that will happen in the next day / month / year that he won't be a part of and it makes me very sad.  But the legacy he's left behind, the HUNDREDS of friends who have left condolences and well wishes is truly a sign of the man he was.  The ripple affect of the lives he's touched is enormous and hopefully will go on for years.

I miss you BigBro, today, tomorrow and always. Rest in peace.

A Surprise Turkey Day

The family is still sitting vigil at Ric's bedside.  Several friends and family came by to hug Seattle SIL and the rest of the family. It was very emotionally draining, but so overwhelming.

A core set of SIL's friends showed up at 6pm with a turkey dinner in hand.

It was one of the most amazing displays of love and compassion I've ever witnessed.  It was truly overwhelming to see these 6 or so women come off an elevator carrying so much food a small army could eat for a week.

We ate. We cried. We ate some more.  There were apologies for the pies not being homemade...we ate some more. We cried some more.

It was extremely special. These ladies made a sucky situation a Thanksgiving I will never EVER forget.  I sat at one point and looked around and thought how much BigBro would have been in the middle of all that. I have found over and over in the last 4 days that so many situations have left me a bit speechless.

In sadder news, tomorrow we will be letting BigBro go.  Sometime tomorrow afternoon we will be taking him off life support. There were several discussions today about who wants to be in the room and I gotta tell ya, I'm unsure what I'll do or where I'll be.  I'm not sure I want to be in the room when my BigBro takes his last breath.  I'm not sure I want to be anywhere else either. I am going to just decide when the moment comes. The Niece's Wife - BOB (long story why I call her Bob) most likely won't be in the room either, so there may be a reason for me to stay out too.  I'll be right outside the door, but not in the room. That might be close enough. 

I thought today how odd it was how quickly a "new normal" came about us.  It seemed so normal to be sitting in the lobby today hugging people I barely know. As we left tonight, it all became so real.  It became very real to me that by this time tomorrow night I won't have a BigBro to hug.  My life will never be the same after tomorrow.  I will find, eventually, a "new normal."

Its never easy to say goodbye

In fact, today a friend summed it up the best, "There are no words."

I've been struggling all day with saying goodbye and not wanting to really fully admit that is where we are at with BigBro. We're saying goodbye.

How do you say goodbye to a man who was bigger than life itself? Who captivated a room when he was present? Who gave the best darn bear hugs in the world?

There are no words.

And yet here we are.  Hope has been extinguished, replaced instead with a sudden and very real comprehension.

How'd we get here? What went wrong?

BigBro was scheduled to go into surgery on Monday to have permanent drains put into his lungs to help drain the fluid.  Before they could get him on the operating table he went into cardiac arrest. We lost him for 3 minutes.  CPR brought him back.

His lungs are damaged. They will never breath on their own again. He's on life support and being kept alive by machines.

He's sedated, but very much present.  He knows when someone's in the room and responds as best he can.  I'm sure he's frustrated with a tube down his throat and it won't allow him to speak. Cuz if he could speak he'd be rolling his eyes wondering what all the fuss is about.

I'll tell you what all the fuss is about, he made everyone's life brighter and better. He is that extra shake of glitter that just made it all better. He is BigBro. The man everyone knows. The man who knows no stranger. The man who stands on the street corner with a sign begging for money for a cause you're passionate about.  The man who, without a doubt, would give you the shirt off his back. The man who gave everyone something to smile about. He is my big brother.

We fuss because we love him. Because we can't imagine what life will be like without him. We have this need to express to him just how very many lives he's touched.  If ever there was a doubt that he  left a mark on this world, Facebook and the hundreds of text messages received would show him that the world loved him.

We fuss because we can. Because there's no other way we know how to be. There's no better way to show him just how much he's loved and will be so missed.

There has been no date nor time determined when we will have to say goodbye to him. It's soon. Sooner than we all ever dreamed it would be.  In the next couple of days one very bright star will be bright no longer.

I have no title

For some reason what I really wanted to write was "blank". Instead I wrote what I was thinking. 

Update on BigBro
He's still in ICU and is stable.  He's going into surgery tomorrow to have drains put in to constantly drain his lungs. This has me worried. Not the drains themselves, the surgery.  It's a 3-4 hour surgery and it scares me that he'll be under that long.  I know the drains are the right choice, and a choice I wish we never had to make. It never occurred to me that you may have two really bad options and you have to choose one.

SIL is hanging in there. She, like all of us, is scared.  She's tired and worn out emotionally.  I wish there was something I could do to help her with that, but there really isn't.

In other sad news the MomUnit lost her beloved dog Schuster today.  Sadly, she's up here and he's in Tucson.  Her good friend B was caring for Schuster and had to go through this (every dog/pet watchers nightmare, right?) MomUnit saved Schuster and his brother Simon 10 years ago. They didn't have such good lives for their first two years. Simon went to live with my brother J and Schuster stayed to live a very spoiled life with the parentunits. He had a good life. Loved and cared for like a dog should be. He was a quiet soul that had big eyes that stared into your soul.  You never knew if he was just staring at you or was sizing you up to take a chunk out of you (which he never did). He was a gentle boy who loved his people.  His tall spindle - y legs made him look like a daddy long leg spider, and he never really looked like he knew how to use all that leg.  His companion Beau (the other poodle) will likely be missing Schuster tonight.  He'll be greatly missed. RIP Schuster.

Another day

It's interesting as you face the potential loss of a loved one, that the easy phrase of "another day" really takes on a whole other meaning. BigBro did get to see "another day".  And I predict he'll continue to see more.

Last night after a tiring day, his body just had had enough. He was having a hard time breathing and starting to panic a bit about it. Ultimately, the calmed him down (with narcotics) and transferred him to ICU. In this case, to me, moving to ICU is actually a good thing. He'll get more care and more attention being there.

Today he was "better" in that he ate just a bit and was not as panicked as yesterday. He rested a good part of the day and when last I heard was "resting" again.  Rest is good at this point, and very, VERY necessary. 

Seattle SIL is holding her own. She's getting by on adrenaline I think. She really hasn't left BigBro's side - save a couple of trips home to change her clothes and check messages.  Someone has always been with BigBro to allow Seattle SIL to run home.  I'm worried about her on a whole other level.  The stress this brings on to caregivers is enormous and I'm watching her like a hawk to make sure she has everything she needs.

The love and prayers and thoughts that have bombarded our family in the past couple of days has been, to put it mildly, overwhelming.  I knew BigBro was loved, but I had no idea just how much. I'm extremely thankful for the 3Day family that has huddled together to make sure we're all ok.  Very soon I'll be taking advantage of their kindness by arranging for someone to take Seattle SIL bags of snacks. Since SIL isn't eating I figured if we could have a bag that has small bags of snack items in it, maybe she'd grab something and eat it. Graze through her day.

The MomUnit and I spent the day grocery shopping for Turkey day...well and for several items of clothing mom didn't pack - and toothpaste, and shampoo, and a brush, and socks, and...it made me wonder what was in her suitcase.

So for now, we are in a holding pattern. Waiting to see what each day will bring us.  I'm hoping for a miracle, or at least a reprieve.

Its been a hard day

So BigBro - as you all know - is fighting cancer. Started out as kidney cancer and moved to his lungs.  When we first heard, it was treatable and survivable.  I had an immense amount of hope.

Amazing how three months can change one's perspective.

He's been doing chemo treatments for I think 5 or 6 weeks now - only to find out the chemo wasn't working.  The next thing to do was put him on an oral chemo that had recently been approved by the FDA. Delay in getting the drug has meant he's not had chemo for almost two weeks now.

He's been on oxygen 24/7 for several weeks - I've lost count how many - and was feeling - I can't say good, but ok.

Monday he went in to have fluid drained from his lungs.
Thursday he went in to have fluid drained from his lungs.
Thursday night he couldn't breath.  He was having extreme difficulty, so 911 was called and he was transported to the hospital.

Since then he's not done well. Another set of scans have showed his right lung completely white. So here's what you need to know to put that in perspective. When they do a scan, healthy tissue is dark. It allows light to pass through it. None healthy tissue is white. Light cannot pass though - that's often how they see tumors. 

Anyhow, his right lung is completely white. Essentially not functioning anywhere near capacity. 

As you can imagine, he's exhausted. The constant struggle to breath must be tiring.  His spirits aren't great considering the news today.  There's a lot of decisions that need to be made, and a heavy heart has been what we've all felt today.

I've not allowed myself to go down the "what if" path during this cancer scare. I wouldn't allow myself to think about life without my brother. Sure, I know some day - way far in the future - but not now. I would prefer not ever, but I know that's not the truth.

I'm not done getting to know him. I'm not done being a sister to him. I'm not done with him. He cannot leave this world now. I need him in my life. And today, I lost hope.  I'm hoping I find it again, that we start to see some improvement and some positive sign that things will turn around. 

I didn't want to lose hope. I wanted to stay positive for him.  It was all but impossible to do that today. Tomorrow's another day, so maybe it'll dawn bright and things will turn around. A girl can hope can't she?

Finally Friday...

Its finally Friday kids. Yipee!  I had a blissfully quiet weekend planned. And all that just changed with one ring of the phone.

The MomUnit has decided she can't sit in Tucson any longer and worry about a couple of her kids.  BigBro dealing with cancer issues and Portland Brother-In-Law going into brain surgery in the next couple of weeks...the MomUnit just couldn't sit so far away any longer.

The phone rang and all I heard was, "Pick me up at the airport tomorrow at 1:30pm." Ummm ok.  So now I need to figure out what, in the next couple of weeks, if anything, do I need to change and / or shift.  Thankfully, I purposely keep the holiday season low with commitments.  People tend to do too much during this season and they miss some of the actual season. 

It'll be good to have her up here for Turkey day. We've not had Thanksgiving together for several years.... and I mean several. So that will be good.

And if she feels better and more in control by being up here around family, then so be it. I wouldn't want it any other way. BigBro might not be happy that she's come up here because of him, but too bad. 

So stay tuned, this blog might get more interesting in the next couple of days.

Probably not, but one can wish right?

If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?

I was recently asked this question and then when I started answering it I realized it wasn’t my life I wanted to change, but the life of someone I love. Which I guess indirectly is my life.

I’d change the current cancer suckedness that is going on in my brother’s life.  I would take that all away and give him his life back. There. It’s that easy. If only.

Now if I had to change something specifically about my life, what came to mind is something I can, and should, change.  I would change my eating habits … again.  I would get back on the bandwagon and start working out and eating healthy at the same time.

Right now I’m barely working out (once in a blue moon) and the same applies for eating healthy.  I do, occasionally, but not enough to get me healthy.

I was chatting with Blueberry the other day about this and I stated that I’m not sure what happened to my motivation. In 2012 I was SUPER motivated, and stayed motivated until dad died. Then when dad died, I stopped “trying” but kept myself maintained through the year.  It wasn’t until the time my jogging buddy broke her ankle that I just completely stopped trying. Why is that? Do I really need someone to hold my hand? Apparently I do.

The thing is, I see what being unhealthy does and I can feel the weight that I’ve gained back and I am pissed that I let some of it creep back on. It started with just a pound back on, then two, then a month would go by and I’d weigh myself and it was 5 lbs. Then a month and it was 10 lbs. Then just this week I weighed myself and I’ve gained back 15 lbs.  GAH!! I worked really hard to get that weight off, it seems only fair it would be as difficult to put it back on. If only, right?

So I decided that this weekend I need to come up with my plan. I need to think about and schedule time to work out. I know myself well enough that I can’t go cold turkey and just drop all the habits at once. I feel deprived and it just doesn’t work for me. So I’ll start with working out. Added to that I’ll start making smarter choices when I can. I used to ask myself all the time what was the smarter choice. Just by having that conversation with myself – it gave me pause before I would choose poorly.  I still may choose poorly, but at least it wasn’t a knee jerk reaction. Which sadly my eating habits are.

And I know I’m not alone in this. The diet and health industry wouldn’t be the billion dollar industry it was if we all choose wisely.  

So I’m going to give it the old college try. We’ll see what happens.

This isn’t exactly where I thought this blog was going when I wrote it, but here we are.  So if you could change one thing in your life right now, what would it be?

Turkey Day Prep

Thanksgiving is upon us. Just 8 days away and we'll be sitting in the living room wishing we hadn't taken that second helping and planning for dessert.  I happen to love turkey day.  I love cooking it.  And I love the leftovers.

So many people I know just dread the cooking of Thanksgiving. They think its a difficult meal, but the reality is, at least to me, it's simple. It does take planning, there's no doubt about that.  Lucky for me, I'm a planner.

Because I'm a process person, and a type A personality, and I love forms, I created a turkey day planning sheet.  Its crazy and a bit over the top, I admit, but did I mention I love forms?

The first step in planning the big day is determining who all is coming.  Once you know your guest list and people have RSVP'd, you can decide what size turkey to get.

Oddly enough the news is reporting that there's a BIG turkey shortage this year. They're saying bigger than 16lbs is going to be hard to find.  I can remember turkey days where we had a 25 pounder and/or two turkeys.  The biggest Thanksgiving I remember we had 27 people...whoa. That is a tough dinner to cook.

Anyhow, let's assume you just need a 16 pounder. The mistake many people make is  not allowing enough time for the turkey to thaw. I've done it. I had a mostly frozen turkey on Thanksgiving morning and had to figure out how to thaw it. A huge pot of cold water and a couple of hours will help.  Swapping out the water every 30 minutes helps too.

So about 3 or 4 days before, I do my grocery shopping.  I have my planner and I know what's being served by me and what's being brought by guests.  My grocery list isn't set up differently from my normal grocery list.

Off to the store.  This does two things. First it gets the task done.  Second it gives you a couple of days to make sure you have everything.  There's a chance you may have missed something, and you can run to the store before turkey day.

Day of I do a work back schedule.  I start with when I want to eat and then I work back from there to know when I need to put the turkey in. The schedule looks something like this...dinner's at 3pm.

With that plan in hand, I know I can lounge around all morning and get myself together.

See, easy.  Anyone can make a turkey dinner successfully.

Memories

Today I've been flooded with memories of grandparents for some reason. One memory leads to another that leads to another. All are good memories - even the one's in which they were grounding me. Here are some of my most favorite memories of grandparents.

Grandma Spaid
She was deaf and because of that I think she had like 8 senses.  You couldn't sneak up on her and you couldn't mouth off behind her back. She always knew. 

She would sit at her dining room table for hours on end playing solitaire. She'd win as many games as she lost.  She'd pour herself, sometimes, a small glass of boxed wine and pour out dry roasted peanuts to munch on.  You could hear her shuffling the cards all through the house.  Sometimes we'd play double solitaire and sometimes she'd let me win.

I got in trouble one day - can't even remember what I did - and she sent me to the back bedroom with a fly swatter.  I had to determine which end I wanted a spanking from.  The psychological torment I had to endure. = )

Grandpa Spaid
Always puttering in the garage.  I never knew what he was doing, but he was out in the garage doing something. Grandpa could grow the BEST tomatoes ever. We'd have so many plants and so many tomatoes.

Besides grandpa driving me around on a banana seat bike in Albuquerque, I have a couple other fond memories of grandpa.

He'd sit at the dinner table and Snoopy (one of the beagles they had) would sit right next to him on the floor. Snoopy would hop up and nip at Grandpa in the ribs.  He would jerk and giggle and say, "no Snoopy." Never really meaning it.

He taught me to eat sliced banana's with half and half and a spoon full of sugar.  He also taught me to eat cottage cheese with sugar on it.

Grandma Wraspir
The most quiet, most giving woman I ever met.  She tried to teach me how to make cinnamon rolls.  I bored easily but she was patient.  I never did really learn.

She'd sit in her chair and would say, "Now papa" every time Grandpa would start in on something with us kids.

She raised a gaggle of kids, some her's some not her's. She didn't care, she loved them all the same.

Grandpa Wraspir
Always had a story.  He could story tell like no body I ever met.  I would sit, sometimes, and listen to him. Often I'd get to tired of listening to his stories and would wander off.

Grandpa let me drive the car (before I was supposed to be driving) to the post office almost every day. This was before the mail boxes got moved to the actual houses.

I loved all my grandparents and miss them horribly. I'd love to spend just one more day talking to them and asking them questions about their childhood. I wish I could help the younger folk of today how important those stories will be to them as they age.