There’s a version of me I’ve been missing for a long time.
The Jenn from before Covid was always going somewhere, doing
something, saying yes to plans without hesitation. Then somewhere along the
way, that girl slowly disappeared. These past five or six years, I’ve become a
full-fledged homebody. I still go out occasionally, but it almost always feels
like work.
I love my home. I work from home. My cat is here. All my favorite things are here. My routines are here. Home became safe and comfortable and easy. Leaving it started to feel exhausting.
I say yes to plans when people invited me somewhere.
Lunch? Sure. Shopping? Sounds fun. A road trip? Absolutely.
Then as the day got closer, the internal negotiations would
begin.
Could I get out of it?
Would they believe I was sick?
Could I come up with an excuse that didn’t sound ridiculous?
Sometimes anxiety won and I canceled. Most of the time I forced myself to go anyway. And every single time? I had fun. I knew that logically, but somehow it still wasn’t enough motivation to get me out the door.
But something has changed within me (where are my Wicked fans?).
I spent a lot of time thinking during my two hospital stays over the last six months. Hospital rooms have a way of forcing reflection on you. I started asking myself why I’d become so withdrawn. Was it laziness? Anxiety? Comfort? Exhaustion? Had I simply convinced myself staying home was easier than living? I didn’t really land on one answer. What I did decide was that I want to live differently.
Somewhere between hospital bracelets and too much time alone
with my thoughts, I came up with a new mantra:
Say yes more often.
And surprisingly… I think it’s working.
Lately I’ve felt more awake somehow. More open to life. More
willing to leave the house without immediately calculating how quickly I can
return to it. I’ve even felt something I haven’t felt in years:
Spontaneity.
Today was my standing lunch date with Meg-a-rooni. We had
plans for Mexican food and catching up for a couple hours like usual. But
before lunch, Megan sent me a TikTok link to a local coffee stand making a Diet
Coke Cherry Espresso.
Excuse me? A what now?
She asked if I wanted to go after lunch.
Old Jenn — or maybe “Covid Jenn” — would’ve immediately
said, “Nah, I should probably head home.”
But today?
I said yes.
We had the address, but only a vague idea of where this
place actually was. Instead of plugging it directly into GPS and making it
efficient, we decided to turn it into an adventure. It was sunny, the top was
down in Wroamin, and honestly, the day just felt too nice to rush through.
Naturally, Megan thought it was one direction and I thought
it was another. We wandered around a bit before finally finding the place, but
I’m glad we did.
The drink itself was bizarre in the best possible way. First
sip: Diet Coke. Then cherry. Then suddenly espresso sneaks in at the end like,
“Oh hey, I live here too.”
I kept drinking it trying to decide if I actually liked it or not. I think I did.
It could’ve been a little sweeter, but I’d absolutely get it again just for how weirdly unique it was.
The drink wasn’t the important part of today. The important part was realizing that I feel like I’m coming back to myself. Like I’ve been asleep for five years and I’m finally starting to wake up.
So this summer, I’m leaning into it. I made a list while I
was in the hospital of things I want to do — and yes, a shocking number of them
are food-related — and I’m challenging myself to actually do them.
To go.
To experience things.
To say yes more often.
Now nobody needs to know about this new life philosophy of mine, so let’s just keep that between us.
