The Hardest Thing about Ending is Starting Again…

And so it begins. I’m stepping into yet a new job.  My life as a contractor at Hotel CaliforniaSoft is all but over. I’ll admit, it’s bittersweet. I’ve loved working in the contract capacity and have really up’d my PM game by doing so.  Still, it’s time for me to be a full time employee again and add value to a company I’m hoping I’ll be at for some time. I’m ready to settle in and add value to a small company.

With that being said, my last days at Hotel CaliforniaSoft were a little like having Senior-itis. I had completed everything pending and just really had to show up for last minute questions and what not.  One team member (she’s a vendor) arranged a going away lunch. The day of the lunch everyone but her bailed. So she and I went to lunch. It was great fun…then she realized she forgot her wallet. So my goodbye lunch was not only small, but I paid. I will say she and I laughed and laughed about that.  And today she brought me $$ to cover for the lunch.

The other team members who couldn’t make it, put a goodbye “coffee” date on my calendar. As that time approached people were very apologetic about having other things to do.

Here’s the thing….I’m a vendor. I’m not expecting any big going away anything. I’ve appreciated their attempts, but it really isn’t necessary. I did get a very nice card from them though.

As the new job approaches, I’m starting to feel that new job anxiety. The clean slate. The new opportunity to really shine – no negativity about failure here.  I’ve started many a new jobs in my life and have, over the years, created a list of important questions to ask on the first day.  Because I’m sure you all are going to want to know what they are, I’ve listed them below in no particular order.

1. To your manager – what are his/her expectations of me in this role?
2. What do you want me to accomplish by end of the first week? Second week? Third week?
3. What is the review process and how should I prepare for that?
4. Where’s the bathroom?
5. Is it ok to eat lunch at my desk?
6. What method of communication do you prefer?
7. Do you have an open door policy or do you have a preferred time for questions to be asked?
8. What keeps you up at night?
9. Who are the main players in the org that I should meet and get to know right away?
10. Do you want weekly status reports? If yes, how do you want them – email, in person etc.

I’ve found over the years, that it’s not about peppering the new manager with all these questions immediately, but as the day/week progresses. The most important question by far is how to communicate with the new manager. Each manager is unique and having that little bit of info is really helpful.  

In other news, last weekend I drove to Bellingham to attend the Harvest dinner hosted by a friend I've known for a really long time. He and his wife host this fabulous dinner every year and he makes the treck to Eastern Washington for the prime rib and then dry ages it for 7 days. Then of course he's an expert cook and did the prime rib justice. 

The other thing about this dinner is everyone brings a great bottle of wine.  So I had a few (8) glasses. Thankfully I was planning on staying the night there.

 

A litte bit of this and a little bit of that...

First let's get the tough part out of the way.

Today is BigBro's birthday - or would be if he was still with us.  I miss that guy with every fiber of my being.  I didn't really understand grief like this. When the DadUnit died, I hurt. I miss him too. But that was "an expected" death. The DadUnit had lived his life, fully and lovingly. Doing all the things he could and wanted.

BigBro got jipped. As did we all. And as I sit here today and think about it being his birthday, it hurts. All the things I won't get to celebrate with him. All the things he won't get to do for his daughters. All the places he and Seattle SIL won't get to experience. It just kills me and breaks my heart.

I do know with great certainty that wherever he is he's totally rolling his eyes over the emotional fuss we all make over him.

So BigBro, wherever you are...I send you a happy birthday and I miss you bro.

In happier news, this past weekend was my annual pumpkin carving party.  It was THE biggest Sunday dinner I've had to date.  Generally speaking 14 is the max my place really allows for comfortably.  And even then, it's tight.  We had 15 this year.

Some attendees didn't follow the rules and didn't bring a pumpkin. Those attendees have been put on warning and depending on my mood (or more likely my memory) may or may not be invited back next year.

You see what I see right? 6 carved pumpkins for 15 people!

This year we had prizes. Sorta. I got ribbons for the top 3 pumpkins. I have some pretty creative friends and so the competition was tight. We did the "hold the pumpkin up and everyone cheer" to determine who won. Turns out my friends suck at that because they cheered for each one with the same energy.

Alas, we had three winners...

 

In first place was...oh no I need a nickname for him....um...for  now we'll call him Mr. D.  He carved a beautiful deer with antlers.  I think he was also the last one done.

In second place we have the crab hat.  Mrs. Braspir did an excellent job carving the crab. And she gets extra credit for carving into her finger too.

In third place we had PhotoGirl with, I think, a skeleton or was it a cat...I can't remember and the photo isn't helping.

At the end of the night we had a great time. Everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves, as if I'd expect anything else from this crowd.

I'm not afraid that things won't get better, but it feels like this has gone on forever...

How about a little Toad the Wet Sprocket this morning for your "stuck-in-your-noggin" song? No? Well it's stuck in mine.

Specifically that line in the song. See it's been 4 weeks (well I think this is the 5th week) of being hypnotized and I can say with certainty that it's changing something. More on that later.

This last Tuesday I met to have a new personal session recorded.  When I signed up for this I was told that your personal sessions are - wait for it - personalized. Meaning you can provide them things you'd like to work on. So I had myself a list of three things that I wanted added into my monthly session.

In no particular order they were:
1. Amp up the work out message
2. I'd like to stop thinking about food all the time (as in when I'm having breakfast I'm thinking about lunch and whether I'll have anything to eat. Strange fear of no food that has bubbled to the surface for me to work on).
3. Work on the emotional reasons I eat

They seem quite lofty and I was prepared for perhaps one or two to be included.

Instead, I got a woman who's voice grates on my last nerve. Ever known those people who's voice just sets you off? And while we had a conversation for about 15 minutes about how it was going and what I wanted included, NONE of it was included. Instead she literally read a script with this nagging, annoying voice.  And by read it I mean read it in a monotone, not very relaxing voice. In fact, I didn't even go under. Instead I found myself focusing on her voice and I ended up with a headache.

Yet, I decided to give it a try. And now having listened to it 3 times and not going under once, I'm making a call for a new recording.  I paid too much for this to NOT have a month of a useful recording.

In the meantime, I did also purchase an extra "recording" on a topic that I felt was appropriate. It's called "Keys to Speed Up Weight Loss". It has three keys...ready for them. They are mind blowing...

1. Eat healthy
2. Exercise
3. Portion Control

I know!! Your mind is blown!

The first time I listened to it, I did go under, and woke when they said "wake" and then they reiterated the three keys and I just giggled to myself.  Dah!

What I do know is working, however, is that I'm making healthier choices without much thought.  For example, my decision at Tin Lilly's to have grilled chicken and veggies instead of a starch.  I've also offered up to split meals with people - which I never do.

So do I think it's working? Yes.  And I am going to just keep going with it and try my very hardest to not over analyze it.  The fear I had of failure when this whole thing started is slowly being put aside and/or dealt with. 

I'm not afraid that things won't get better, they already have. And yes, this will go on forever, but I intend on it getting easier, not harder.

Lake Chelan, Cruishing grapes and other stuff

This past weekend was the annual hunting wives get away.  You may recall that I don't have a husband and are therefore wondering how I am part of a "hunting wives" adventure. It's really quite simple.  I came as a packaged deal when the MomUnit (who was a hunting wife) invited me to join this illustrious group. And so now, this "hunting wives" are really known more for them being Crabs and I'm a major player in the little band of crabs. Seattle SIL, the MomUnit, Mrs. Braspir and Blueberry make up the rest of the Crabs.

This weekend, however, it was just Mrs. Braspir and Seattle SIL that joined me for our girls weekend get away.  In past years we've gone to San Francisco and San Diego. This year we kept it close to home and headed to Lake Chelan.

The Crabs hit Chelan

Lake Chelan is a small resort town east of the mountains from Seattle. Lake Chelan itself is a narrow, but deep lake (about 1400 feet deep). It's 50.5 miles long and is the longest natural lake in Washington.  It's a beautiful area to me. Not quite the desert, scab lands of Eastern Washington and not quite the evergreen, woody area of Western Washington.

Lake Chelan - I think looking North

View of the lake from our hotel

Our plan for this weekend was wine tasting. It was Crush weekend (as one not so friendly restaurant owner pointed out to us when we inquired about reservations) which meant all the wineries would be open for tasting. And who doesn't like to taste wine?

We tasted at 6 wineries on Saturday. Caideras Winery, Lake Chelan Winery, Winegirl Wines, Four Lakes Winery, Tildio Winery (of which I called Dildo winery), and ending at Tsillan Cellars Winery. Of the wineries, Lake Chelan was my favorite. I bought two bottles of wine there which were fewer than I expected to buy.

Caideras was a nice little shop with a very friendly wine steward there. She chit chatted with us the entire time we tasted. Their wine was good, but nothing I felt I had to own.

Caideras Winery

Abby the Crab wants a taste

At Lake Chelan Winery not only did we have exceptional service but they were crushing grapes out in their vineyard and who doesn't want to crush grapes with their bare feet. So off we went. They were having a grape crushing competition - which I didn't want to participate in - but I did want to stick my feet into a barrel of grapes. So I asked if I could between competitions, and sure enough. I stuck my feet in. Gross is what I'd call it. But I can check this off my bucket list...even though it didn't actually exist on the bucket list.

Lake Chelan Winery - my favorite stop

These grapes were made for stompin'...

 

And that's just what I did...

Their grapes had crabs

After that we stopped at Winegirl Wines. This little place was COVERED in fruit flies.  I do realize that with wine, there's fruit, and with fruit there are fruit flies...but my goodness there were a ton of fruit flies. I mean when the wine pourer gives you a coaster type thing to put over your glass so flies don't get in it...there's a problem.  To top that off, I wasn't a fan of any of their wines. Interesting side note however...the owner used to be a Rat City Roller Derby girl and so the wine labels reflected that.

From there we had lunch. We figured we'd better get something in our stomachs before we were blotto! We ate at a delicious restaurant called Blueberry Hills (click that link for a virtual tour of the restaurant). The food was fantastic and the portions HUGE. Soooo glad I shared a French Dip Sammy with Mrs. Braspir. I swear they used an entire loaf of French bread for this sammy.

Stuffed and happy we headed up to Four Lakes Winery. The son of a friend of BigBro's owns this winery.  So naturally we had to stop by. I wasn't impressed with their wines either. And since all of the wines were sold out I didn't have an opportunity to buy any.

View from Four Lakes winery

Back down the hill into Chelan we stopped at Tsildio winery...which I kept calling Dildo winery...I'm sure they would not have been impressed with my name. I couldn't help it. For some reason their name reminded me of that. Their wines were good and I was tempted to purchase a bottle of one of them until I realized it was $34. Well over my price per bottle level.

Our last winery was Tsillan Cellars. Beautiful, big Italian style villa. Packed with wine tasters and thus made getting our next taste challenging.  They had some good wine though. Mrs. Braspir bought a bottle there I believe. And I almost did. But I opted to not and just stay with the two bottles I had already purchased.

All in all we had a blast tasting wine. But by the time we were at Tsillan Cellars we were done. We dined on Mexican food that night and I might add it was delicious!

The trip was a great one and while we missed having the other two crabs there (the MomUnit and Blueberry) we managed to have a good time on our own. We created some great "you had to be there" moments that made us laugh and laugh and laugh.  I do love these women and find myself thankful to have them in my life.

Looks like those apples have worms...

On a "change in my lifestyle" note - I was proud of myself the first night we were in town. We stopped to have dinner at a place called Tin Lily's - delicious food. And the type of place I'd normally make a bad food choice.  This time, however, I had a chicken breast (grilled) with a side of grilled veggies. Swapped our the starch they offered for more grilled veggies.  Seattle SIL just stared at me and kept saying, "Who are you?" I'm hoping that soon no one recognizes me.  Other food choices throughout the weekend I was proud of - not great choices, but still I shared most my meals with someone whereas I might have normally eaten (ate) the whole thing.

Quantum Fusion

A scientist I am not. In fact, science in school was one of my least favorite subjects. And yet, science fascinates me. Interest in something is very different than being good at something. I leave the "being good at" to the scientists of the world.

Yesterday was my weekly appointment at PC for my weekly acceleration classes. Essentially two hypnosis sessions - 30 minutes each, and a video of some useful piece of information. Yesterday's hypnosis session - at least one of them - focused on the "embarrassment of being overweight" and how to no be anymore.  An interesting topic that triggered some thoughts in my mind that I'm still mulling over and they may, or may not, end up on this blog.

The video and second hypnosis session are the one's I want to discuss today.

Have I mentioned that this reprogramming of my mind fascinates me? Hypnosis is quite interesting, and it seems to be working since I'm down 9  lbs.

Yesterday's topic was on Quantum Fusion Technique. I've experienced this already in my daily AM recording they have you listen to for the first month (in addition to the personal recording) but didn't really understand what it is.

What it boils down to is this: The Quantum Fusion Technique is for the person who says, "I really want to change, but there is a part of me that just won't allow it to happen." Basically this technique let's you acknowledge this part that seems to be holding on to your past behaviors and attitudes. Once you acknowledge that, it can then be fused with the part that strongly wants the change to occur.

So it's your future self telling your past self that "right I hear ya but we aren't working that way anymore. Let's try this new way." The idea being the two have to coexist together eventually.  Both parts are positive, or at least have positive intentions. When they are brought together, they are more powerful than standing alone.

That sounds like a lot of ju-ju to me. Yet at the same time it makes sense.  I mean think of the 12-step programs you've heard of. They always say you have to admit you have a problem before you can move on. Your past self has played a significant role in who you currently are. I can't imagine abandoning that.  I need to remember my past self so I can make sure my future self (and present self) are as strong as they can be.

Other strange things that are happening:

In my previous life this was the conversation I'd have with myself.

Me: I think I might be hungry.
My subconscious: "There are pretzels in the drawer...you'd better eat them now or they'll go away and you'll be hungry."
Me: You're right. I'd better eat them now in case I get hungry later.

Versus this conversation I seem to now be having:

Me: I know there are pretzels in the drawer.
My subconscious: "yah, so? There are pretzels in the drawer. They'll be there when/if you're hungry."
Me: good point

Tick Tock – You are Getting Sleepy

I’ve started and stopped this blog a number of times. One the one hand I want to share with you all what’s going on in my life and some rather dramatic decisions I’ve made. While on the other hand, I’ve got concerns how it’ll be taken.

I’ve “tested” telling people this new thing I’m doing and so far it’s been received with much enthusiasm. Only one friend rolling their eyes, and I didn’t bother asking why.

If you know me at all, you know I’ve battled for my lifetime with being overweight. You’ve been with me when I was on Jenny Craig and lost 30 lbs. You cheered me on when I joined Weight Watchers and lost like 2 lbs.  Yet nothing sticks. I never seem to really change my eating habits nor my working out habits. I never full learn that healthy lifestyle plan.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching to try to determine why it is that I just can’t make a clean break from all things bad from me. I know I’m not alone here, but good heavens it shouldn’t be this hard.

I hit a rock bottom (I say “a” rock bottom because I suspect there will be more of them in my future) one night a couple of weeks ago. I sat on the couch feeling less than happy and all I wanted to do was walk away from my life. It seemed like nothing made me feel happy anymore. And this feeling washed over me that I can’t really explain. I’ve never considered myself a depressed person nor someone who could become depressed. And yet I suddenly realized that my life wasn’t exactly on the “happy” track and I needed to do something. And that’s when it happened…a commercial came on TV.

I’ve seen the commercial a thousand times but it never really spoke to me like it did that dark night. The next morning I made a phone call.

See here’s the thing, while the doctor’s haven’t said it yet, I’m petrified of becoming diabetic.  I watched the DadUnit take daily injections all the while thinking he made poor choices and got himself here.  Hello Pot? This is the kettle. You’re black!

I want to be healthy.

I want to be “skinnier”.

I want to be happier.

I want to make the right choices for me in all areas of my life.

I want to lose weight.

And so the phone on the other end rang. A voice answered and I almost began to sob then. I made an appointment and hung up. As I turned off the phone I thought, “You’ve just made a major change in your life.”

Three days later I parked outside Positive Changes Hypnosis Center.

Yes, hypnosis.

I’ve been hypnotized before about 10+ years ago. Turns out I’m extremely susceptible to it. Back then I did a 30 minute session each week with the focus on not eating French fries (didn’t for 4 weeks straight), working out every day (worked out for 20 days straight) and wanted to drink more water (floated to and from work). Then I couldn’t afford it and had to stop.

My first meeting at PC was with Amanda. She’s what I call the “Opener”. Her job is to get you in the door, ask some incredibly difficult questions and then take your credit card. I don’t think Amanda was prepared for the sobbing mess she’d have in her office that day.

She was so gentle and understanding and I wanted to talk with her for hours. The questions she asked me are all questions that fat people know the answers to but don’t dare answer them out loud. Answering them makes it real. And I know I’m the mistress of denial when it comes to this. In my mind, I’m a size 10.

Amanda pressed on and asked me a bunch of questions that got me smiling and crying. Using humor as my defense, she saw right through that and kept asking more. Finally  she explained the program and I signed up.

I left there with hope. I just knew I had taken a brave step and it felt like the right step. I had an appointment for my first session and I was ready to conquer the world.

The day of the first session came. I specifically made an early appointment because I didn’t want to talk myself out of it over the course of the day. I met with Christopher and he would be my hypnotist for the day.

The first 30 minutes were of him asking me many of the same questions Amanda did but with one small difference to my answers.

Amanda had asked me what my goal was with regards to coming to PC. I answered, “To be healthy and to lose weight.” Dah. Christopher asked me the same exact question and I answered, “To be skinny.”

Odd response since I never EVER use that word. 

He pressed with another question asking me to elaborate.

My response came from the depths of my soul and had, apparently, been hiding somewhere and chose now, of all times, to surface.  I answered, “Because skinny people are loved.”

Yah, take that in for a minute.

Somewhere, I believe that the only way to be “loved” is to be skinny? The who and what now?

Christopher responded after seeing my completely confused expression with, “Looks like you have some thinking to do.”

Ahem…

Moving on.

To set the scene he explained, first, that I’d be wearing these light flasher glasses. They flash 12 times per second, which apparently is what active brain waves work at. Then I’d have on these noise cancelling head phones and all I’d hear was his voice. Asking if I was ready, I nodded. Christopher spent the next 30 minutes putting me into a hypnotic state.

I remember hearing the voice, the beeping noise and the light methodic music.  And I remember thinking this was comfortable and nice.  I remember breathing deeply on his command and I then I remember him saying he’s going to count to 5 and it was time for me to come back.

I had gone completely under.

Christopher gave me my personal recording and sent me on my way with instructions to listen to it at least 2 times a day, but to please don’t listen to it while you’re driving. Ahh, Ok. Got that.

The rest of the program works something like this. Imagine a month being 4 weeks. You are asked to commit to coming in weekly. The first week is a personal hypnosis session. Like what I did with Christopher. The second week is acceleration classes – basically two 30 minute hypnosis sessions and a 30 minute class (video or instructor led). Week 3 you have a coaching session with someone to help discuss your progress and ask any questions and you get a 30 minute hypnosis session on a topic of your choice (these are all professionally recorded sessions). Week 4 is like week 2.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

So here I am 4 weeks from that day and I’ve lost 9 lbs.

• I have not had fast food in 4 weeks (typically I’d have it 2-3 times a week).
• I have not had chips in 4 weeks.
• I have cut the amount of sugar in my coffee in half.
• I have yet to actually get to the gym (we’ll be working on this one).
• I drink water like a crazy person.

Is it working? I would say so.

Do I think this is a magic pill? No. But I do fully believe that your subconscious mind plays a huge role with telling you stories. The conversation my subconscious was having with me was unhealthy and has kept me in a state of fatness.  Changing that voice is helping me.  Reprogramming all the negative to positive is really doing something to me, and I’m happy with the results.

I’ve paid for 9 months of this and can’t wait to see what happens.  I have no illusions that I will be a size 10 at the end of the 9 months. I do think I will be happier, a higher self-esteem will lose some weight.

I have my next personal hypnosis session coming up and I have a laundry list of things I’d like them to put into the sessions:

1.       More gym

2.       I want to stop thinking about food all the time

3.       I want to cut out more sugar

4.       I want to start working on the emotional reasons I eat

So we shall see. I’m excited to move forward with this chapter. The mind is an amazing thing. And tampering with mine will be an interesting adventure.