The first year after she died was probably one of the hardest years of my life. Dealing with what the experts say "all the firsts". The first Mother's Day, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, her first birthday without her. All so difficult. At times, buying eggs would set me off down the grief path. Crying in the grocery store for no real good reason, other than grief.
As the years progressed those days still hurt and I still feel her loss so acutely.
Every year I usually have a very hard day on the day we lost her, January 17th. I usually spend the day in and out of crying fits. And I usually don't realize why I'm so sad until half the day is over. Once I realize what the day is, I tend to "feel better".
This year...this year Jan 17th flew by and I didn't even notice. I realized yesterday that I missed feeling sad that day and didn't even think about it. Then I felt sad for not remembering.
Grief is such an interesting thing and it's true what people said that you will eventually start just remembering ALL the days, feeling sad when you need to, keeping memories alive all the time, and one day you just won't care what day is what.
Oddly I feel like I let mom down. Like somehow not remembering her on the day she died is letting go of her some how. Yet I know in my heart I think about her every day or a memory (good or bad) comes to mind every day. She's here in me. Shit, I've turned into her on so many levels it's like she's been reincarnated (only as a democrat).
Finally I realized, it's ok. She's still in my heart. And skipping feeling sad on the day she died is ok. It's been an odd year, so I'm not surprised I forgot.
0 comments:
Post a Comment