Holding Onto Mom This Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day changes when your mom is gone. You still have to witness all the signs that Mother’s Day is coming; the brunch ads still pop up, and social media fills with smiling photos and heartfelt tributes. The world keeps celebrating while my heart quietly aches for the one person I wish I could call and wish a Happy Mother’s Day to.

Me and Mom - Mother's Day 2001

Grief has a strange way of showing up on holidays. Some years it’s loud and heavy, impossible to ignore. Other years it sneaks in softly — seeing a photo of her and me, in the recipe card written in her handwriting, or in the sudden urge to pick up the phone before remembering I can’t.

Mother’s Day isn’t about the gifts and reservations and finding the perfect card. It’s really about love that lasts long after someone is gone.

Mother's Day 2016

Losing a mom leaves an emptiness that never fully closes. Moms are often the keepers of traditions, the first person you call with good news, the voice that somehow makes everything feel okay. When they pass, you don’t just lose a parent. You lose a piece of your history, your comfort, and sometimes even your sense of home.

But grief also has a beautiful side to it. It reminds us how deeply we were loved.

1986

This Mother’s Day, instead of focusing only on the loss, I’m trying to focus on the pieces of her that still remain – and as I age I see more and more of her in me. The habits I picked up from her. The recipes I still cook. The phrases I hear myself saying that sound exactly like her (which admittedly frightens me and makes me laugh out loud). The lessons she taught me without even realizing it.

Love doesn’t disappear when someone dies. It changes shape.

Maybe this year Mother’s Day I’ll look at it differently. Maybe it’s lighting I’ll light a candle instead of buying flowers. Maybe it’s cooking her favorite meal, wearing her necklace, looking through old photos, or simply allowing myself to miss her without apology.

And maybe that’s enough.

For anyone spending Mother’s Day missing their mom — I see you. It’s okay to feel sad while everyone else is celebrating. It’s okay to laugh at old memories and cry five minutes later. Grief and love walk hand in hand.

The truth is, a mother’s love doesn’t end when her life does. It stays tucked into everyday moments, quietly shaping who we are long after she’s gone.

Spain, 1986
This was the photo I realized I looked just like her.