Another Mother’s Day without Her

I didn't know yet how much this woman who is cradling me would impact my life. 

I didn't know here either.

I'm the blondy on the right

Or here

1984

1989

Or even here

The Last Mother's Day 2016

Being part of a motherless club has not been fun. I miss my mom every minute of every day. I’ve learned that it wasn’t about the big stuff that I shared with her. No. It was all the small stuff that I shared with her that I can no longer experience.

I’ve been part of this unfortunate club for 6.5 years now. I’m certainly not the only one in this club and know there are people who have spent more years in it than me. I knew when she died there’d be a lot of “firsts” that would happen. The first birthday without her. The first holiday season without her. The first promotion without her. The first Mother's Day without her. These are the days that creep up on me and just plain hurt. I was misinformed that the original grief would fade and the pain would "go away". But this hurt lasts way longer than the grief did.

The day that is BY FAR the hardest is Mother’s Day. I’ve had to go through 6 of these days and they get no easier. I have no reason to think the 7th will be any different. They hurt as much today as the first one did. It’s a day that I’m sadden by the woman I miss so much. Who I no longer have to celebrate today with. 

I feel out of place on a day everyone around me is celebrating with their moms. They are celebrating the day with a person I so desperately wish I could celebrate with. I only wish and hope that they all recognize how fortunate they are. Please go hug your mom. Or tell her you love her. Or just call her.

Time hasn’t stopped me from wanting to hide in a hole for the entire day and not come out until all the celebrating is done. Time doesn’t make me forget that my Mom was my best friend and she’s supposed to still be here with me.

While I will wish all the moms out there a Happy Mother’s day, I caution the children to hold tight to your mom. Hug her. Tell her you love her. And never, EVER, take the time you have with her for granted. It goes was too quickly and one day, sadly, you too will be part of this motherless club.

The Past

I'm sure this happens to everyone. I'm sure I'm not special in any way to feel the way I do about the past. But god damn, the past can sure rise up and bite you in the emotional ass when you least expect it. 

I'm SURE it has to do with Mom's day around the corner. I tend to get emotional when Mom's birthday, the day she died and Mother's day comes around. 

Top that with a blast from the past has me thinking about all sorts of memories and you have a recipe for some serious drama. 

It's not drama that makes me said, its just drama that makes me think about life and how wonderful it's been. 

Honestly, diving into memories from the past do have potential to make most said, or full of regrets. My memories usually make me happy, nostalgic even. It reminds me that I've had a pretty good life. Oh, sure there has been sadness and loss and regrets, but I'm learning to see those as mere blips on the grand scheme of life's adventures.

I could dwell on them and let that drag me into the abyss. But in my wiser years I see it as memories that helped shape me. And I'm ok with that and who I am ... well, for today. Tomorrow's another story. 

Happy Birthday Middle Bro

I think most of you know I have three older "brothers". They were Dad's boys from his first marriage. By the time mom and I came around none of them were in the house anymore. I never lived with them and never built that normal siblings bond because of that. 

Christmas 1998 I think

It was hard to get to know them. They all had their own lives and, frankly, Mom and I didn't feel they cared at all to get to know us. 

We saw them at their convenience always. Their mother and what she wanted to do with them always came first. Mom was ok with that because she learned that celebrating with family didn't have to be on that specific day (like Christmas for example). Any day could be Christmas. It became about doing things with the family. 

Mom and I never felt we measured up and were the "ugly step children" that they knew about but didn't mention. 

Ric and I became very close when we trained and walked the breast cancer 3 day. He was always the most opened. The most welcoming. Still, at first, he kept us at arm's length. I don't think he was sure what to do with our relationship. It felt like he wanted to stay loyal to  his mom, but wanted to support his dad. He definitely was the most open with us. And then we became brother and sister thanks to the 3day. He was my BigBro.

The oldest brother, Michael, was the most stand-off ish. He seemed very unsure about us and the most unwelcoming. He was the one Mom and I felt had the least interest in getting to know us. It bothered mom for years. Then once Dad died, the relationship just got worse. We knew once dad died that we'd definitely not be thought about by them. We'd be a footnote in their lives. 

It didn't help that Mike and his family moved to St. Louis. The distance made it even harder to maintain a relationship. Especially when we felt like we were doing all the work and didn't feel like they wanted to bother. Sarah - my niece, was always close to mom and was one that always reached out. But not her folks. I tried for years to become his sister. Then when I heard he said that he "never had a sister" in a gathering we weren't at, I was done. I'll be cordial around him, but nothing more. 

Then the middle brother, Jerry. He was always the one that confused me the most. Jerry is quiet. VERY QUIET. And if you know Mom and I, we are not. I think when we visited the farm (where Jerry lived) we amused him. He'd just sit in the corner with his cigarette and listen with a smile on his face. 

Jerry had his own demons. He treated mom and I with respect, but his quietness made it hard to get to know him. Then when mom and dad moved to Odessa, Jerry because someone mom relied on. He was over helping, talking, eating, all of it. He became someone very important to mom and her to him. I was thrilled for mom for that reason. By that time, she was starting to need some support with dad. 

He still remained elusive to me. He will talk with me. He'll answer any questions I ask. Sometimes he would initiate the conversation, but it was a lot of sitting in silence with him. And that was when I realized, that he was one of the few I felt comfortable sitting in silence with. 

Today Jerry turns 66. He seems nothing like what I thought that age was when I was younger. His years of working outside as a farm hand, or general help has taken it's toll on him, but he's still going strong. He has a lot of deep thoughts. He loves nature. He has a mischievous grin on his face most the time and it leaves you wondering what type of shenanigans he's planning. He has battled some serious demons in his life, and has come out a being a better man. 

This is how I will always remember Jerry. 
At the farm, cigarette in one hand, coffee in the other.

So happy birthday MiddleBro. Hope you have a fabulous day being you.

Seawolves Rugby

As one of our things on the list to do this year was to go see the Seattle Seawolves Rugby team. NONE of us knew anything about rugby or had seen it before - so this was going to be a treat. 

The usual suspects went, along with two from Scotland who we were sure were going to help explain what the heck was going on. We got down there early (we heard the parking sucked and it did) and had a snack before the game. The weather was wet, but thankfully we were under cover.

Graeme & Rose (both from Scotland), Janet and I

Kathy, Rowland and I

The match starts with the Seawolves running on the field. I could not believe the size of these lads legs. Tree trunks!  I would later understand WHY they were so beefy. The crowd seemed to love these guys and it was clear there are some favorites. 

Like all good sport matches, we started with the national anthem. The stadium here is, well, old. The stereo system is definitely not DOLBE sound. It reminded me of a high school football stereo. 

By this time Graeme had explained enough to us to help us "understand". Though to be fair, while I got easier to understand what was going on, the rules still didn't make sense. But we eventually got the idea. 

This sport is absolutely brutal. No pads. The hits these guys would take. Lord. I mean when you can hear the hit in the stands, and I swear almost feel the concussion from it, you know these are no pansies on that field. 

I won't even begin to try to explain the game. You can google it if you want, or find things on YouTube to explain it. The end goal is to win by more points than the other team. How they score made no sense to me at first. Eventually I understood most of it. 

Yes. They lift a guy up when they are inbounding the ball so this taller than all the others guy can get the ball for their team. Fascinating. 

In the end, the Seawolves didn't win, but that's ok. We loved seeing the game. The crowd really got into it - some more than others - and that always makes games exciting. I'd go again in a heart beat. This was entertaining enough, and plenty of eye candy that I'd "suffer" through another 80 minutes of this. 

London - On my Own Saturday

Ah Saturday. My last day in London. What to do? What to do? 

I kid. I already knew I'd be getting on the hop on and getting off at the Tower of London. The bus ticket I purchased came with a boat tour as well and it leaves from the Tower of London. 

Highlights of the bus tour. 

The Elizabeth Tower that houses Big Ben.
People call it "Big Ben" but he bell in the tower is Big Ben, not the tower.

Parliament

London Eye

London Eye across the Thames

Did I mention it was breezy?

The Tower Bridge

Tower Bridge

Tower of London

Tower of London

This is Hank. I stood by him for 30 minutes waiting for the bus.
He and I got to know each other very well.

St. Paul's

The Shard. Tallest building in London.

One of the newspapers on Fleet Street.

As planned I hopped off at the Tower of London. Me and the HORDS of people that is. I couldn't believe how many people were there. The wait to get in was 4 hours. So, no, I didn't see the Tower of London. 

I did hop on the boat tour up the river Thames. It was windy but it didn't rain. The boat went one way to Westminster Abby which was the other place I wanted to see. That line was over 2 hours. So I didn't do that either. 

I stayed on the top of the bus for as long as I could but it got cold. For the last 30 minutes of the tour I went downstairs. I was chilled to the bone. But when I hopped off by my hotel, I went into Cafe Nero to get myself a hot chocolate and headed back to the hotel to relax. Tomorrow was going to be a long day heading home and I really was ready to head home. 

London - Hop On Hop Off with Alison

I slept pretty good last night. I keep waking up at 2 am and am awake for about an hour before I some how fall back to sleep. 

Al and I were meeting up at 11 so I had time in the morning to go have some breakfast. I had noticed this little coffee shop just down from the hotel, Caffe Concerto. The place was full ish when I got there but was seated right away. I saw they had a bacon sandwich on their menu and so I ordered a Flat White and this bacon sandwich. 

I didn't expect to get fries with the sandwich for breakfast, but there you go. This sandwich wasn't nearly as good as the other one I had. The bread was too thin and it had mayo on it. Weird. I added the brown sauce because, frankly, that is really what makes this sandwich so delicious. 

Al was early and so we set off to get on the hop on hop off. But before we did we wanted to get a coffee. We walked a little past the bus stop to a Cafe Nero and Al got a coffee and I got a hot chocolate with marshmallows. 

The bus showed up and we were getting on. As we were headed to the second flow, Al was in front of me on the steps, the bus lurched and she lost her footing and fell back on me. Not only did she knock most of the hot chocolate out of my hand and all over me, but she landed on my head and it compressed my neck a little. I didn't notice it then, but later that day/night it really felt like whiplash. 

The weather was partly cloudy and we knew we'd get rain. But we didn't care, we stayed on the top of the bus and road that around most of London. It did get wet and windy and cold, but we persevered. 

We "hopped" off at Victoria station to have lunch. Al remembered a pub in that area from the days she worked in that area so we thought we'd go there. 

We found this pub The Duke of York. She thought it was the pub she was looking for but it wasn't. No matter, we went in and we had lunch. The pub advertised that they wanted you to experience their pub, their food, and your friends without any interruptions, so there were no TVs, no wifi, no brands. And the food, was amazing. I had bangers and mash and Al had a chicken club. 

After lunch we hopped back on and the weather turned again. The wind came up and the rain came down. We saw the rest of the bus tour and hopped off where we started. Al still had some time before her train so we popped into Caffe Concerto for an afternoon tea. Well, she had tea, I had a coffee and then I had a Fanta and we split scones. And the scones were delicious!

Tomorrow I plan to do the hop on hop off and the boat tour that came with it. I'd like to see the Tower of London but I kinda figure the lines will be ridiculous so we'll see. And of course, the weather will dictate what I really do.

London - The Inside Man premiere

Here we are, day 2 in London. The jetlag is wicked this time. Not being able to sleep on the plan on the way over really made the jet lag horrible this round. 

Today I didn't have anything special on the list. Tonight is The Inside Man premier, the reason I'm in London. That means I have all day to find something to do.

My first stop was to meet up with a colleague whom I've worked with but have never met. She's an Enterprise Customer Success Manager in the UK. We've worked on many projects together and it was a blast to meet her. 

As we sat and drank coffee we discovered we're both photographers and we both scrapbook! It's rare I run into a colleague that scrapbooks. It was a ton of fun to chat with her about scrapping and taking photos around London. She gave me a lot of ideas for shots, but none of them was I able to get to. 

After coffee with D, I headed off to Trafalgar Square. I remember seeing Trafalgar Square in 2007 when I visited London and remember thinking then that it'd be fun to wander around the square. It was very close to where I was staying so off I went. 

According to the Interwebs, the square is named to commemorate the Battle of Trafalgar. I had to dig deep to remember what the battle of Trafalgar was about. The battle was during the Napoleonic Wars and was one of the largest British victories off the coast of Cape Trafalgar. 

The square has 4 corners to it and on each corner there's some statue. 3 of them are permanent and the 4th changes on a regular basis. The 4th plinth (that's what they call it) is called Antelope by Samson Kambalu. The bronze statue sculpture is of a preacher who was killed anti-colonialist uprising in Malawi. I am sure there's some type of symbolism here that I'm missing, but that's ok. I did really appreciate the sculpture though.

The middle of the square has a column dedicated to Horatio Nelson, a vice-admiral in the Battle of Trafalgar. Around that column are 4 lions. These were what I really wanted to see. Large cats! 

The four lions at the base of the Nelson column represent the heroism of Lord Nelson. I'm not really sure why I love finding large lion statues, but I do. We find them everywhere too and now I'm starting to think I should make this a "thing". 

Once I was done walking around the square, I decided that I needed food. I hadn't really eaten much the day before and I think the time zone messed up my appetite. I found this little deli down a small road off the square. I glanced at the menu and KNEW I was eating there. They had bacon sandwiches. MMM. Alison introduced me to bacon sandwiches (with brown sauce) in 2007 and I swear I've dreamt about them.

The jet lag was catching up to me and I figured I'd go back to the hotel and take a nap before the premier. I was slowing getting more and more anxious about the premier and I needed to just chill out. 

See, I have this anxiety about attending gatherings where I don't know anyone. I don't feel like I'm good with small talk and these situations always require small talk. You add having to speak to customers to that and you get a serious anxiety attack headed your way. 

The premier is a big deal at KnowBe4. The Inside Man series is a big deal at KB4. This is the 5th season and boy or boy is it getting good. You can see the trailers of the other seasons to get an idea of what the series is about. Season 1, Season 2, Season 3, Season 4 and now Season 5. The Twist & Shout team has really outdone themselves for Season 5. 

Now, I was a huge skeptic when I came onboard to KB4. I thought, "Really? A mini series on security training. Give me a break." Turns out, I was wrong. They did such a good job with the writing and you learn and don't even know that you learn things. 

I binged Season 4 right before I left so I was ready to see Season 5. I also wanted to meet some of the actors. I wasn't really sure I'd get a chance to, but since I was hosting a customer I was in the VIP section and I knew the actors would show up there. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I got to the premier early and wanted to meet a few other colleagues. I also feel like getting to gatherings early puts me in a position of "belonging" there and it's easier to talk to people who are coming to me instead of me coming to them. I know, it's crazy. 

So, I have my customers I'm hosting and we head to the VIP lounge. I chatted with them a bit and was chatting with a few other customer success managers there when suddenly I see the main character Mark heading right towards us. He and another main character, Fiona, stopped right in our group and started chatting. Fiona eventually moved off but Mark hung out with us and chatted for a good 15 minutes. His first comment to me was he was "amazed" that I flew all the way from Seattle. He asked about the time difference, the length of the flight and whether I was on UK time yet. He said he's seen photos of Seattle and thinks it'd be nice to visit. Of course, I told him I'd be happy to show him around. Ahem. 

Mark and Fiona selfie.
I probably should have learned their real names.

The other thing I he said that really made me smile. He said he was really learning a lot about security. When he took this role he had no idea about security and what that means, but after 5 seasons he now knows to not pick up any random USB and put it in his computer. I love that the cast is learning security stuff.

After I chatted with him, I was on the look out for my new favorite character Violet. She's Mark's sister in the series and gets introduced to us in season 3 I think. Anyhow, she's a spitfire and a bit of a rebel and for some reason I love her character. I barged my way into the circle she was in and asked for a quick selfie with her. 

My new favorite character Violet

Then it was off to the theater to watch season 5. I got to sit in the VIP section too and there was popcorn and candy at each seat! 

Season 5 was amazing. It really was done so very well and the storyline is getting more and more interesting. There's a death in Season 5 and I found myself crying over this darn show. 

Once the show was over, I just left. I didn't want to hang out and do any more talking or go to any "after" parties. Not that I was invited or there were going to be any after parties. But I was sure if I ran into KB4 people I'd be asked to go and I was really tired. 

Besides I needed to get sleep because I was meeting up with Alison tomorrow and we were going to do the Hop on Hop off bus. And I needed to be awake and alert to enjoy the bus trip.