Why have you forsaken me...

I could feel it happening. As the plane slowly descended into Phoenix. The heart gripping reality that I was going to Arizona and there would be no Mom there to see. My heart felt tight. Sad. I know this feeling well. It happens frequently when I do things that once was a part of mom’s life or was something significant in our lives. It’s that cold memory that bubbles up that you will be doing this without her. In her spirit maybe, but without her.

The plane landed without incident and I was thrust into the hot Phoenix air. That dessert smell and warm arid air reminds me of home. It's a trigger for Mom memories. I pushed those memories aside and got on with what I needed to do. Get a car and meet a friend for lunch.

During lunch I kept any conversations about my mom to a minimum. My emotions were on a hair trigger and there was no telling what would get me going. I didn't want to be a slobbering, crying mess over my enchiladas. My friend and I met at a sketchy looking Mexican restaurant called Cocina Madrigal. It has rave reviews on Yelp and she’d been dying to try it. Yelp was not wrong. We started with Oaxaca Fundido (basically bubbling cheese of goodness) and we both had the Birria Beef enchiladas. So amazing. The flavor of birria is one that I love and not one I get a lot of up in the Pacific Northwest.

Birria Burritos from Cocina Madrigal

My scrapping, former work buddy, scrapping enabler, Anandi. 

We chatted on and off about work, why I was down, and scrapbooking. But we stayed away from any "mom" talk. She knows. She’s aware that my mom had been in Tucson and that I miss her horribly. Whether she steered away from Mom talk intentionally or not, it was nice to just sit and chat about anything and everything. But I'm secretly glad she didn't ask any “mom” questions.

I drove her back to her house and we hugged goodbye after a tour of her gorgeous house. As I returned to the restaurant to pick up Janet, I wondered why I felt relatively "ok". I anticipated tears. I anticipated sadness. And all I had was a very full tummy and a bit of heartburn. I decided to not wallow in it and just see where the emotional roller coaster would take me. It was anybody's guess. 

I arrived back at the restaurant and met up with Janet and her friends she had been down to visit. I was worried that the moment I saw her I’d lose it (I could tell you a story about her offering me peanuts while cleaning out Mom's house. She left the room to get them and I was fine. She came back in and I was a blubbering mess. To this day we joke about not bringing me peanuts.) I opened the door to a whiff of fried tortillas, cheese and spice expecting to feel something. Nope. Nothing. I kept those emotions in check. “huh”, I thought, “ I might be getting better at this.” But how long could it last? How long before the dam burst open? We were seeing a bunch of family and friends that were close to Mom. We would be going to places that Mom went. Places she took us to. Where in all those times would I lose it? If not now, when? 

I was prepared though. I had Kleenex in my back pack and I was ready for any level of cry. Be it gross cry or simple sniffle. Because that's how grief works. You don't know when it'll hit you and you don't know if it'll be a light touch on your shoulder of it it'll take you to your knees. 

As Janet and I drove south towards Tucson, the scenery is amazing. It’s beautiful really. It’s no PNW beautiful, but a different type of beauty. Desert beauty. I love the desert. Always have. I think it’s because we lived in Lancaster for so many years and I grew to appreciate all the desert had. But the Tucson desert is different. It’s scattered with these crazy saguaro cacti that stand so boldly. Proud of the years it has taken for them to get to where they are. The years without water. And yet, they survived. I just love them. Each one has their own unique personality. None the same. 

We reached our hotel, The Day’s Inn & Suites in Marana. It’s not fancy, but it’s clean. We dropped our luggage, took a moment to refresh ourselves and “rest” after travel.

We had a list of food places we wanted to visit. Food was a big deal in our family life. If you knew either of my parents you'd know that food was what we bonded over. It was the way we showed love and appreciation. It's comfort. 

So it should be no big surprise that we had a list of places we had to go. Each restaurant has a story about Mom. Each one “special” for it’s own reason. They won’t mean anything to anyone else, but they mean something to us. Our list included In N Out, Cracker Barrel, Sonoran Hot dogs from Guero Canelo, and a steak house right off the I10 freeway– though we couldn’t remember the name of it.

Our first stop was In N Out. Mom LOVED In N Out. There was a 100% guarantee that we’d stop there during some point of my visits with mom. Always. They didn't have them in Tucson when they first moved down there and I can remember how excited she was when she first heard one was coming to Tucson. It was a good hour from her house. All the way across town. (And “across town” in Tucson is not an easy feat. It’s spread out.) Still, she was going. She didn’t care. She loaded dad into the car and off they went to find her beloved In N Out. They then started popping up in locations closer to her, which made her quest just that much easier.

Me? I think they’re good burgers, but I’m not IN LOVE with them like mom was. In N Out now is a stop in honor of mom. We go because she would have. We get the double double because she would have. We get a chocolate shake because she would have. And we get fries because…you got it…she would have. This time though Janet got the double double and chocolate shake. I got a simple cheese burger and fries (well done) for us to share. 

As we sat eating the burgers mom loved with the workers in the crisp white uniforms with a red apron held together with a huge safety pin and the smell of fries animal style in the air, we talked about her and how it was a given we’d find an In N Out. Surely this would get my tears flowing. This was Mom. This was something anyone who mentioned In N Out would say her name after. I was sure I’d start tearing up. But there was nothing. Nothing. What’s happening? Have I cried all I can? Are there no more tears for mom? I consoled myself with knowing it was still early in our trip and that I should continue to be prepared because, well grief. Grief is a cruel mistress.

The next day we got up had a horrible breakfast at the hotel and we headed to Mt. Lemmon to find the vista point where we scattered Mom's ashes. As I brushed my teeth I was thinking about 5 years ago and how so very different I am now. The things that have happened in my life that Mom would be so proud of - and maybe some she wouldn't be. 

The day we scattered Mom's ashes was windy, rainy and blustery. It seemed fitting considering the task we had in front of us. I mean Hollywood shows us funerals and it's always raining, so why couldn't real life be like that. I had absolutely no idea where this vista point was. I had done some research and we figured out how to get to Mt. Lemmon. As we drove along we passed a Safeway and we both yelled, "That's where we met to carpool!". We knew we were going the right way. 

We started up the windy road that leads to the top of Mt. Lemmon. It's a narrow, two line road that transports you up the side of the rugged mountain. Around every hair pin turn I expected to find this vista. And then, there it was! The Babad Do'ag vista. We found our way. I pushed all emotion down again. I just needed to be there for a moment. Remembering her. As we parked and got out of the car we were hit by a what felt like a gale force wind. My god it's windy up there. We grabbed out crab hats and started walking toward the trail that we walked down to scatter her ashes. Then we laughed because part of the trees around there were scorched. We joked that mom was definitely there. We spent a couple of minutes there. We took our crab photo and we hopped back in the car and took off.

View from where we scattered Mom's ashes

Nothing. No tears. No thought of tears. Nothing. Dry as the desert. By now I'm starting to wonder if, by chance, I had turned off all those emotions too much. 

Next stop was to visit our cousins Gary and Jeannette. They live in the same retirement community mom did. In fact, they’re the reason mom moved there. We knew we'd drive by the last house she lived in and I knew this would be the time I lose it. It just had to be. I had so many fond memories there tied up with the worst weeks of my life cleaning out her place. 

We found it easily. Janet remembered half the directions and I remembered half. I slowly rolled past it making comments about how it hasn't changed and "was it always blue and white?". Anything to keep my mind away from drudging up all those old, painful memories. 

After lunch we followed Gary and Jeannette back to their place to sit and chat for a bit. Gary was dad's cousin and was like a brother to him. These two have been a significant part of my life for so many years that I've lost count. Gary is a quiet, kind man with a head full of graying hair. His smile makes you feel welcome and that he was very interested in anything you had to say. Jeannette was the classy one. She was always put together. Nails always done. Not a hair on her head dared to be out of place. Her style was refined without being pretentious. But Jeannette was dying. The doctors diagnosed her with a brain tumor several months ago. She opted to not undergo any treatment of any kind. The doctors told her it wouldn't really gain her any more months. They told her she'd lose her ability to talk and walk within weeks. And yet, sitting across from me in their small park model was a woman who's determined to not let cancer win. She shows no sign of slowing down. Her hair may be not so in place anymore, but I somehow think she doesn't mind. 

We sat and talked about the old days. Recounting funny memories of dad buying a dozen pineapples just because they were on sale and how Mom sent everyone home that Easter with a pine apples. We talked about their daughter and how well she was doing and about their grandson's pending visit. It was a delightful time. 

After we noticed Gary falling asleep as we chatted, we decided it was time to go. We hugged each other tightly. Jeannette whispering in my ear how very glad she was that we took the time to come visit them. That hug. That strong, unwavering hug. I won't soon forget it. I felt, immediately, that would be the last hug I ever had from her. And having lost a good hugger in my life (BigBro), I knew not to squander for a minute that time wrapped in her arms. 

We drove out of the park and I felt a little looser. Like a tightly wound yo-yo that had found it's last drop. I felt joy in a place that had held such sadness for me. 

Jeannette, Gary, Janet and myself

Crab shot for mom.

While chatting with Gary and Jeannette, Gary was able to remember the steak house off I10 that we used to go to. The Silver Saddle. The plan was set. Janet and I would go back to the hotel for a little break (grabbing some coffee on our way) and we'd eat out at the Silver Saddle. 

This steak house...I can't even tell you how good it is. It's PACKED almost every night and on a Saturday night you were sure to have an hour wait. I dropped Janet at the door and drove in circles looking for a spot to park the horrid little rental car we had. 

Inside the restaurant I didn't see Janet immediately, but saw a sign pointing to the cocktail lounge. I've traveled with Janet enough to know she was already seated with an ice cold margarita on the rocks in her hands. I sat down next to hear and ordered a beer. We had about a 60 minute wait so we figured we'd order an appetizer. That was a rookie mistake. We should have known that would fill us up and not leave room for the steak and potato. We sat in the bar not talking about anything in particular. It wasn't until we were seated that I started (did you see that? I started...) the conversation about Mom. All the times we'd been to this restaurant. Who was with us? Why we came? And on and on. I felt no need to cry. No lingering shutters in my throat that announced sobbing was on it's way. Nothing. Nada. Zip. 

The "dinner" salad came with fresh baked rolls, and not long after the 10oz sirloin came cooked to perfection with a fully loaded baked potato on the side. Mom probably would have ordered the prime rib, but you can bet she'd have had the salad and that fully loaded potato as "loaded" as they could get it. I am not sure what exactly they do to their steaks. They don't season them in any way. The grill is out where you can watch them drop your steak on and you can watch as they grill it. The whole place smells of burning wood and cooking steak fat. And when you roll yourself out of this place and regret eating every single bite, you too smell like burning wood and steak fat. 

Back at the hotel in our stretchy pants, we sat quietly. Each checking FB, emails, texts, etc. I sat wondering about Mom and what she'd have done in the last 5 years if she was still with us. I wondered if she'd still be working at the Mail Room at the Voyager. I wondered if I'd still come down to visit every Christmas and each day I was down visiting we'd have a "date" with some friend or relative who was just "dying to see me". My Mom. The social butterfly. 

Sunday we woke to another beautiful day in the desert. The wind was blowing, the sun was out and the sky was blue. Today we'd be going to have a Sonoran Hot Dog for lunch and visit with our family friend Roger. 

But before we did all that, Janet jokingly said, "we should stop by Sprouts in honor of your dad."

I know this trip seems to be all about Mom, and it is in so many ways. But dad lived in Tucson too for a while and he LOVED Sprouts. Well, Dad loved to grocer shop. Which is where I get it from. He'd get the Tuesday paper that had all the grocery sales in it and he'd write his list. He'd drive all the way across town to save 3 cents on tomatoes. And then he'd buy 10 lbs of them. 

We found the Sprouts dad frequented and we talked about how often Mom would tell us to NOT let dad talk us into stopping at Sprouts for "just a few things". Remember those pineapples? Yep. Dad bought them at Sprouts. 

Dad's favorite produce location.

Now it was time for lunch. Off we went to Guero Canelo. 

carne asada street tacos
and a Sonoran Hot dog

I wish I could remember how Mom discovered this place. I'm sure one of her friends introduced her to the Sonoran Hot dog and the rest is, as they say, history. This place was almost always lunch and was never not on the list to go to when I came down. She took everyone and anyone to this place. None of us from the PNW had any idea what a Sonoran Dog was. And Mom was going to introduce the world to them. 

A Sonoran Hot dog is, as you can guess, from the Sonora region in Mexico. It's a hotdog wrapped in bacon and grilled. It's then put in a bililo- style bun. It's a little sweeter than a normal hotdog bun and has the cut in the top, so it's like a bowl. The dog is topped with pinto beans, onions, pico de gallo, mayo and mustard. It sounds odd, I know, but that combination of ingredients is unlike anything you've ever had. 

We also wanted to have some of their street tacos. So we opted for a single taco each and then we'd split the hot dog. Their street tacos are full of meat. We put on the cabbage, some pico de gallo and squirted some lime juice on them! These are the street tacos that all other street tacos are compared to. I've found some very close here in the PNW, but none really compare. 

Full of Mexican food, we drove up Oracle to Oro Valley to see Roger. We were early so we thought we'd swing by the Catalina house. This was the first house they bought in Tucson. It sits up on a hill overlooking the Catalina mountains. Mom called them "her mountains." She loved the view from this house. This house holds a lot of memories too. It's where dad died. It's where we had countless family gatherings. Where dad made his tritip or ribs or standing rib. It's where we celebrated Christmas. Where we laughed, cried, and drank a little too much. It was home. 

The Catalina house sitting high on the hill.
It was a "desert rose" color - and now it's blue.

The view of the Catalinas. You can see Mt.
Lemmon's snow covered top peeking out.

We parked just down from the house. There was no way I was driving up the road to it. I wasn't really sure I could even see the house without some tears. Instead, as I sat at the bottom of that hill and looked up I was reminded of all the love in that house. All the hugs, all the laughter, all the food, all the everything that Mom and Dad gave to us, their family. I think everyone has a story or two about being at that house, and that makes me smile. 

After the afternoon with Roger, we had dinner plans with good family friends Jack & Suzi. Mom met Jack and Suzi when her cousin Ted was visiting. Jack and Ted when to high school together. And as Mom did, once she met you, you were family. Jack and Suzi became part Wraspir. Mom and Dad traveled with them all over the place. Then when Dad died, they became a sounding board for Mom. Suzi and mom were the best of friends. 

Mexican food again and again we were stuffed with real, authentic Mexican food. When Jack and Suzi walked in we instantly noticed Suzi had a brace around her neck. I looked at Janet and said, "What has she done now?" Suzi is a notorious clutz. This time, she tripped while at the trainers and nicked a nerve in her neck. 

Suzi is slowing down. Her dementia was obvious 5 years ago. Mom was concerned about it and spoke frequently with Jack about it. Having gone through it with Dad, she knew the signs. Now, 5 years later, it's getting worse. I just smiled after the 6th time she asked how long we were in town and patiently answered her, "We leave on Monday."  Her humor is still with her though. When we asked how long she had to wear the brace she told us she could take it off when she was eating. Then with a gleam in her eye said, "I think I should add some meals to my day."

Molinto Special

Jack, Suzi, Janet and me

The two of them go together like peanut butter and jelly. Married for a thousand years. They are perfect together. And they make me smile. My heart was full that day. As I hugged Suzi, I was reminded of my hug with Jeannette and wondered if this was the last hug with her too. 

After all that. Still no tears. I sat in my hotel bed with the Olympics playing in the background thinking about the last three days. Wondering why were no tears coming? Had I beaten grief? Or had I gotten to the point where tears were no longer needed to remember Mom? Where remembering now was not followed by days of uncontrollable crying and sadness. Where remembering no longer made my heart ache. Did this make me a bad person? Wasn't I supposed to feel sad all the time? 

The answer came somewhat easy to me. It's not acceptance. It's not denial. It's not anger or bargaining. It's not bad. And I'm not bad. I've just reached that point where Mom is always with me. Where I no longer needed to shed a tear every time I thought about her. I was stronger now. Grief will still be there, but it won't make me cry in the middle of a store with strangers looking at me like I lost my mind. 

Monday we headed home. Janet's flight left a couple of hours before mine. We got to the Tucson airport early - thank god because the security line was insane. We had a beer and recounted the last couple of days and all the fun we had. As we sat there I thought about all the people we got to see this trip and I think about how each hug that I gave each one of them really felt like it might be the last hug. 

All of them aging gracefully - or in Suzi's case not so gracefully. All of them slowly changing. All of them I love you so very much and will miss them dearly. And yet I’m very glad that I get this opportunity to come down and visit with them perhaps for the last time. 

This whole time my emotions have been in check I have not tear it up or cried. 

Janet's group to board was called. She walked down the hallway to the plane and turned the corner. She was out of sight. I picked up my backpack and burst into tears. 

Lifty

I'm asked on a somewhat regular basis how I come up with all my scrapbook page ideas. I'd love to say it's all me. That my creative side is endless. But the truth is, in this industry, people "lift" scrapbook layouts. 

Most manufacturers actually make pages with their product and share those layouts hoping you'll see it, fall in love, and HAVE to buy their product. I gotta say, that type of marketing works on me all the time. 

I'm the queen of Scrap Lifting. Yes, I do, occasionally, come up with my own designs, but honestly, why reinvent the wheel. And the more you scrapbook you start to realize layouts tend to fall into the same types and categories. You get a handle on "design" "rules" and the rest is just putting product together. 

Every weekend I try to get into my scrapbook room. It's my creative outlet and helps ground me after a week of work chaos. I need the creativity to restore myself. Sometimes I just sit in the scrapbook room shuffling through my stash. Not really doing anything, but thinking about my next project, or organizing photos (I am the queen of organized photos), or doing something "simple" to be creative. But I always feel drawn to my scrapbook room and so I don't fight it. 

Sometimes, though, I don't really want to start a new project. I just want to create. That's when I come up with challenges for myself. I have hundreds of layouts I want to try, so I randomly selected some and begin to create this last weekend. 

Here are some of my "masterpieces" and how the "lifting" works. 

Citrus Twist Design

This layout is from one of my favorite manufacturers Citrus Twist. Their designs vary from "simple" to complex. It really depends on your scrapbook skill to be honest. This one was relatively easy for me and came together very quickly. 

JW design

When I'm doing these types of challenges I like to use my stash instead of new product. In this case, the washi tape along the sides of the page is relatively new, but washi tape lasts forever to me. All the other items are from my scrap stash. I have almost completely used letter sets that I pulled out to do the title. And a half used asterisk stickers page that I used up. 

Unknow Artist

This layout spoke to me as it felt like it was something I could replicate. There are too many flowers on this layout for my taste, but I love the amount of journaling on it. 

My version has a few flowers, and a little less journaling. I swapped the side the journaling sits on to balance it with the 24 Seven sticker (I don't like the placement of that sticker, but I dropped it and I couldn't lift it up without tearing the paper - so there it stays).

Unknow Artist

This scrap lift was my favorite of the weekend. I have WAY too many labels, and this layout really helped me use up those labels. I didn't go the extra mile with stamps and that's ok. The whole point of scrap-lifting is making it your own. 

These two beasties sit behind me a LOT while I'm working. I never fully trust them back there. They show up on zoom calls all the time too. They are mid-level celebrities with some colleagues. 

Ahem - as I was saying, this layout was a ton of fun for me. I never EVER would have conjured up this idea on my own. But some smart scrapbooker did, and it really helped me use up some labels. It drives me crazy to look at that image and see some of the labels crossing the two pages being off, but again, whatever. I'm not entering it in any contest. 

I started doing this random layout challenge with cat photos only because they are much easier to manipulate into different layouts. I mean, it's two black and white demons and I have a metric-shit ton of photos of them, so I have a lot to work with and the pallet is usually easier. 

I'm working really hard to not buy any more scrapbook supplies (the manufacturers make this very challenging) and really focusing on using what I have. Further than that, I'm focusing on using stuff I've HOARDED because I love it. It's doing no good sitting in a drawer "waiting" to be used. 

2,628,000 Minutes

I've tried to avoid thinking about today all day. The Universe has other plans for me today, apparently. 

Today Mom has been gone for 5 years! FIVE YEARS! How does that happen? It still feels raw at times. I guess it always will though. 

This is how I like to remember mom. She was a little kid at heart when life didn't get in the way of being an adult. Her laugh - or cackle - was infectious. She was the rock that held my life together. 

On Jan 16, 2017 I had to learn how to hold my own life together. True adulting started. I was on my own. No mom. And no dad. The two people I ran to for advice, love, and support were both gone now. 

I have a couple of blocks around the house with words on them that remind me of mom. The first says, "If you knew my mom, you'd understand." I bought that one because every...single...day, I see my mom in me. Sometimes its scary how much like her I am. Some of my mannerisms catch me off guard because they remind me of mom. It makes me happy to know that while she's gone, she's really not. She's 100% who I am. 

The second block I have says "Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out." Yep. That sums it up too. There's no avoiding it. I am my mother. And you know what? I'm ok with that. She was one in a million. And now, I sit and wonder if I'm doing her proud? Am I living up to what she'd expect of me? In most areas I think I am. In other areas, I think I could improve. 

Remember how I said the Universe was telling me what today was. THIS song was the first song to play on iTunes when I hit play today. I think it sums up how my emotions are today. I'll leave you with the lyrics. If you want to hear it, the video is here. 

Hey there now

Where'd you go

You left me here

So unexpected

You changed my life

I hope you know

'Cause now I'm lost

So unprotected

In the blink of an eye

I never got to say goodbye

Like a shooting star

Flying across the room

So fast so far

You were gone too soon

You're a part of me

And I'll never be the same here without you

You were gone too soon

You were always there

Like a shining light

On my darkest days

You were there to guide me

Oh I miss you now

I wish you could see

Just how much your memory

Will always mean to me

In the blink of an eye

I never got to say goodbye

Like a shooting star

Flying across the room

So fast so far

You were gone too soon

You're a part of me

And I'll never be the same here without you

You were gone too soon

 

2021...May Old Acquaintances be Forgot

Recently BFF and I looked up the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne lyrics. It's been a question as to WHY it's sung on New Year's Eve. I can't say I'm sure I understand complete, but the jest of it, for me, is that it's saying a pleasant farewell. 

2021 wasn't a GREAT year, but it wasn't a 2020 year. The big change for this year was a new job. That falls into the GREAT category. COVID still running rampant falls into the NOT so great. 

I only got to travel out of state to Phoenix for a scrap weekend. That was great. The fact Janet and I couldn't go on one of our big Europe trips, Not great. 

I did get away for a couple of weekends to the beach...THAT was great. So much fun traveling with Janet - and especially fun when she basically plans the trips and I basically drive. 

I visited a lot of new wineries this year. Also great. Drank some good wine this year. Drank some bad wine this year. 

Ate a lot of good food this year. Tons of new recipes. A couple of new restaurants. 

Read some GREAT books. Didn't read some bad books. I tried to read all 12 of the book club books, but a couple were just not in the cards.

Health is still, well, fine. It definitely could be better. Will focus on that in 2022...again. No major issues this year, so that's GREAT. 

Finances are solid. Feel good about all that too. 

At the end of the day, 2021 seems just average. Still recovering from the hell show of 2020 in some ways, but by and large, not a bad year. I got to see friends and family (and hug them), we got to start doing Sunday Dinners and Book clubs in person. I am still employed and I still have my health. 

I'm going to chalk this year up to a year that was OK. 

Now, let's see what 2022 will bring us. Honestly, I'm not sure if I should brace myself or go all in without much thought. 

I did it!

That's right! This weekend I finally finished a goal I set 4 years ago. And people say I'm not committed! Hah. 

In 2018 I went to a scrapbook retreat with my friend A. One of the classes was about Traveler's Notebooks. They were becoming all the rage in scrapbook land. They're a smaller format than the standard 12X12 format that most scrapbookers use. Anyhow, we were given a traveler's notebook and an assignment. I took the assignment very seriously and in the process of doing my first traveler's notebook fell in love with the size. 

It's so much smaller than the 12X12 notebooks. And so, I decided that a good way to work through the stash I had in the scrapbook room, that I would convert all my Year 12X12s to travelers notebooks. All 58 of them. It would give me an opportunity to NOT have 58 VERY LARGE scrapbooks that no one looks at because they're so large and it would give me an opportunity to use up my stash. Traveler's Notebooks.

And so the quest began. I was dedicated to this goal. Truthfully I thought I was a little insane to even think about doing this, but do it I did!

So many people in the scrapbook community were stunned that I would dare to tear apart perfectly good layouts to create new, smaller layouts. But that was part of the fun you see. I photographed all the layouts so I have copies of them digitally. I wanted to see if I had improved over the years (spoiler alert: I have). I also really wanted to focus on the stories I was trying to tell. Scrapbooking is all about story telling - my previous scrapbooks I basically scrapped every picture and did little story telling. Now, as I've aged, I am compelled to leave a legacy. A smaller, more compact, more thorough legacy. 

The process was simple really. I took each year's 12X12, photographed the layouts, tore them apart, keeping the embellishments or paper I wanted to reuse, putting them in separate bags, labeling them and then when I finished a full year, I'd start putting them back together in smaller, more purdy layouts. 

There was an expense involved in this goal too. I had to buy all the new traveler's notebooks. I don't even want to think about that cost, or the cost of any new scrapbook supplies I "had" to buy. The point is I had a blast doing it and have turned out some pretty darn kick ass pages if I do say so myself. 

Working in a smaller size does come with some interesting challenges. The first of which is the size of the pictures. The traveler's note book I decided on has a single page that is 4 inches wide by 8 inches long. So a two page layout is essentially 8X8. 4x6 photos don't do well on that size so I had to do a lot of printing of new photos. That part I loved. Having different size of photos 

The next challenge is the size of embellishments. So many LARGE embellishments. I had to make sure that the layout was balanced if I used any large embellishments. Thankfully, scrapbook industry was also shifting to smaller books and so did their supplies. Winning!

You might be wondering, "What now, Jenn?" Well wonder no more. I have decided to redo all the other annual scrapbooks. There's about 10 total through the 1990's, high school and college. I have a couple of my younger years, but am not sure what to do with them just yet. I'm SURE I will convert them, just not sure how I want to do that yet. 

Any of my major vacation scrapbooks are going to stay. There are a few that are smaller trips that I think I'll convert, but those will be later after I finish the next annual ones. 

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be done with this goal. I really used it to improve my craft and use up my stash (which both happened). It feels good to be done and I'm energized to move on. 

I have this crazy dream of what is going to happen if 1) I use up all my stash and 2) I have nothing else to scrapbook! What then? It has been pointed out to me that I need to leave the scrapbook room occasionally to make new memories to scrapbook, so there is that. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yesterday on my food blog,  I wrote about the food traditions of Thanksgiving and how much I miss mom this time of year. Writing that blog opened up a faucet of emotions for me. 

A dear friend recently lost her mother. I've been trying to "help" her as much as I can. Its never easy. And nothing I say now will really, truly help her. I've focused on checking in with her and just letting her talk as much as possible. I knew Thanksgiving was going to be hard for her, I didn't think it would be this hard on me. And not too surprising, helping her pushed a lot of my own feelings back into focus.

This is the 5th Thanksgiving without Mom. While I think about her every day, certain times of the year it's just harder. And I find myself trying to live by my own advice that I gave my friend. 

This morning I told her to just feel. Let memories of her mom come in and float out. I told her to not be afraid to talk about her mom. Everyone knows there's an empty seat at the table. Avoiding it somehow makes it worse. But above all, breath. 

By now, if mom was here, we would have spoken on the phone at least twice. Talking about what the plan was. Asking if the dressing is seasoned correctly. Probably gossiping about another family member. And so on. 

While I can't be with Mom today, I can carry her with me. She loved to cook Thanksgiving and she loved having as many family members over as she could. She loved the everything about it. Well, except the clean up. She didn't like that very much. If she did it right, she'd always have someone over who would "like" to clean up or feel obligated since she slaved over the stove all day. Not a bad plan actually. 

So today I send you Thanksgiving blessings. Wear your stretchy pants. Hug your loved ones. And be so very grateful for what you have today and who you may miss today as well. 

Here we go again

Thanksgiving us upon us. Just a couple days away and we get to celebrate with our friends and family. What could be better? 

I'm sure I've written about Thanksgiving before and how much this holiday reminds me of my Mom. She and I had a tradition of cooking the dinner and we had all sorts of little traditions inside the bigger tradition. It's almost been 5 years since Mom died and I still find myself thinking about calling her to ask Thanksgiving day questions. I'm pretty sure that feeling will never go away. 

The other big event that is now synonymous with Thanksgiving is my brother dying. He passed the Saturday after Thanksgiving in 2013. We spent the entire week in the hospital "saying goodbye". It was a rough week. And every year, I start thinking about it and I get a little weepy. This year it seems way worse than normal. I'll get through it though. I always do. 

One of my good friends lost her mother recently. In the days after she and I were chatting quite a bit. I was immediately thrown back to those days and remembered how so difficult they were. How the smallest thing seemed to take forever, and made me cry. Its hard to be able to help her, because there' so much that I can't do. No one can. It just takes time. And even then it doesn't get easier. It just gets less horrible. 

As I sit her and type this and try not to think about Ric or Mom or Dad not being with us, I like to believe they are still here. Recently I went to dinner with some family friends who knew my parents forever. She commented that she felt like she was sitting with my mom. That my mannerisms, my laugh, my smile, everything was so like her. I'll take that as a compliment. I know they all have played a part in my life and there are things I do because of them (or in spite of them). 

So this Thanksgiving I'm going to do what I always do. Make dinner, enjoy time with friends and family, and have a little moment to think about those that aren't with us. 

Happy Turkey Day y'all.

In like a lion...

 And just like that...we're in September. 

We've had an odd summer here in the Pacific Northwest. 

I'll start with the end of June and the "heat dome" that sat over our region. It was hotter than Hades. For a good 4 days we hit, outside, high 90's in most areas. And well over 100 in others. It got so bad the house was consistently at / around 90 degrees. It wouldn't cool off at night, so the house never got the chance to cool off. My downstairs stayed steady between 90 and 94. Upstairs got up to 97 and was impossible to sleep in. The fans just couldn't keep up either. 

I ordered a portable AC unit. It was delivered a couple of days after the heat dome. Since then the weather has not at all required an AC. Typical. 

July I don't remember at all. I mean, nothing. It flew by so fast I couldn't even tell you what the weather was like. 

August was below average. It stayed in the mid-70s for most the month. Which was perfect. In my opinion. We had a day or two in the low 80's but otherwise, perfect. 

Then on Sept 1st...WHAM the fall. You can feel the crisp in the air. The smell of wood burning in stoves. And of course, pumpkin spice is back. 

I love fall, but I'm not quite ready for it. It was so chilly on the last day of August that I walked around the house with slippers and a sweatshirt on. IN AUGUST! I woke to it being 62 degrees downstairs and I refused to turn on the heater. I will not turn on the heater in August. That's just wrong on so many levels. 

So here we are in September. I have a feeling the next 4 months are going to fly by as fast as the first 8 of this year has. Even with COVID still lingering time is flying by.

Phoenix Scrap Weekend

 Finally! We finally got to do it. The last time we got together was 2019. Then COVID. Ugh. 

This trip came together pretty quickly. My two scrap pals, Anandi and France started the conversation one night in a group text and by the end of that night we had hotel and flights booked for our next scrap weekend. 

The destination was Phoenix. Specifically the JW Marriott Desert Resort and Spa. Anandi has a membership to Marriott and between that and Phoenix in August, we got a great deal. Each one of us had a room to ourselves. 

My goal before I left was to take as little scrap supplies as possible. It's a lot to pack up and take with you. This time I wanted to plan and plan well. I spent a good part of June and all of July staging and setting up work to be done. 

I could go into great detail about my process for bringing a page together, but let's just say I have a very specific process and it's worked for me for years. It changes a little every now and then, but mostly I do the same thing. I find the photos I want to us. I either create a sketch or find a page from another scrapbooker and copy it. Then I gather my paper and my ephemera (the doo dads that go on the page). All that goes into a single small 9X6 paper bag.  I write on the outside what the page is. Then all those paper bags go into a zip log bag to keep them together. Each zip loc bag represents one full Traveler's Notebook.  

I took three books to work on with me. All ready to go. The only other items I needed to pack was basic scrapping utensils (Scissors, adhesive, glue, pen, extra doo dads that may or may not get used).  This plan worked like a charm. I got all three books done. 

The hotel we stay in was the JW Marriott Phoenix Desert Ridge Resort & Spa. Super swanky and super nice. It was a huge resort. They had several restaurantes, a botanical garden and a Starbucks in the hotel. Which was one of the draws for me. I kinda figured we wouldn't leave the hotel too much so having coffee available to me ensured I wouldn't be cranky without it. 

They upgraded one of our rooms to a suite, thankfully. We were having a difficult time trying to figure out how we were going to actually scrap. We had intended on reserving a meeting room but they were all booked. So we figured we could find a table out and about in the hotel and just take it over every day. That meant we'd have to clean up our stuff every night. 

Alas, when we got there they had a suite for us. I took the suite since the other two ladies like to nap during the day, and I do not. That meant I could continue to scrap while they napped. And napped they did. 

The hotel brought in a table and chairs for us and that worked perfectly. I sat at the desk in the room and they used the table. It worked perfectly. 

We ate well while we were there too. The Hotel had several restaurants inside (besides Starbucks). We had a couple of meals at The Stone Grill. Dinners and a breakfast mostly. Then lunches we ate at Meritage Tavern because it was only opened for lunch. Then the last night we decided to treat ourselves and ate at Roy's. 

I first experienced Roy's in Hawaii. It's fantastically fancy and delicious food. This Roy's was exactly the same. Aside from making us wait 45 minutes AFTER our reservation (don't even get me started on that) the meal was spectacular. I had Filet Mignon that I could cut with my fork. I finished the meal with a Key Lime Tart that was to die for...and oh so tart. 

We flew in and out of Paine Field in Everette. I had some extra points so I upgraded France and I to first class. First, flying out of Paine field was so easy and so wonderful that I do not want to fly out of SeaTac any more. It's small. It's clean. And it wasn't as crowded as SeaTac usually is. 

Flying into Phoenix without mom (or Mom and Dad) picking me up was a little bittersweet. The desert will always remind me of them. The hot, dry weather was there to stay. Though, thankfully it wasn't hot as Hades. In fact, it was just slightly hotter than Seattle. Though dry. We had a storm roll in on Friday night. A monsoon for sure. We saw the lightning flashing miles away, though heard no thunder. Then it slowly made its way to us. I love those storms and it was so nice to watch one and smell the wet rain hit the dry land. 

So that's the weekend. I got all my books done - as I knew I would. Anandi got her planned project done. France, got some things done, but really focused on relaxing. I figure it's each our adventure. So whatever happens happen for each of us. 

We decided after that it's a perfect place for place for these little get aways. Anandi lives in Phoenix so its super easy for her. Getting to Phoenix from Seattle is inexpensive and easy. So we split the hotel and airfare three ways and it works out nicely. Hoping we can do this again next year. 

Survived!

I feel like I need a t-shirt that says "I survived the Great Heat Wave of 2021". I've been through heat before, I mean I lived in Saudi Arabia...but to do that without AC...? It was hot.

The heat wave really started on Friday. It got into the 90's for me. The house got to the low 80's. Which isn't bad, except it never cooled off. Usually the temps drop in the evening and it allows the house to cool off. But for 3 days it never did. It rarely got below 80 at night. 

Each consecutive day it got hotter and hotter. Culminating in 109 on Monday June 28th according to the news. My phone said 106, which is still hot as hell. The house was 95 that day. And I thought I was going to suffocate with all the stagnant air in the house. 

I had fans. In fact, I have a fan that sends out "cool" air usually. It was not able to keep up. I had two box fans and my cooling fan pointing right at me and that's the only way I survived it. 

The cats just melted. I would put a wet, cool towel on them once in a while. They found themselves in front of the fans just as much as I was. The amount of fur dropping off these two was enough to make at least 4 other cats. 

One of the hacks that seemed to work a little was the bowl of ice in front of a fan. It "worked" but it certainly was no AC. And I ran out of ice. 

I know I had it better than some in the Seattle area. Some cities hitting 111 or higher. No thanks. 

Since this heat wave, I finally caved and bought an portable AC unit. I can promise now we'll never hit those temps again since I now have an AC. That's how it goes it seems. Although, the science people have said this high temp thing is going to happen more and more. Oh goody. 

Family and most friends survived just fine. Blueberry lives on a third floor condo and her place was so hot her fluffy cat started panting. Cats don't pant unless it's really bad. She was able to take them into her car and cool them off again. She too has bought an AC unit. She'll use hers for sure. 

In other news, we're completely open from Covid. Yipee! It feels weird after 16 months of wearing a mask. Now the big debate is whether we need a booster. Pfizer is saying yes, where as the CDC and WHO says no. Me thinks Pfizer wants more $$. 

Oregon Coast or Bust

 Sister in Law Janet and I took off to the beautiful Oregon Coast last Saturday. Janet had found some deal for us to stay in Lincoln City and we figured we'd make a looonngg weekend of it. 

Saturday, June 19th

Up bright and early this morning to head to Lake City to pick up Janet and then we're off to Lincoln City, OR. The plan is to go half way and stay in McMinnville, OR. Along the way we thought we'd stop in Portland for lunch and a little break. 

The sun was out and the top was down. It got HOT in Portland, but we survived. After Gladys (my navigation unit) got us slightly lost trying to find a restaurant we were going to have lunch at, we decided to try another restaurant. Downtown Portland was PACKED with people. Everyone out enjoying the sunshine. I had to pee like mad, so we found a public parking lot. Parked. Then the first restaurant we saw we ate at. Turned out to be quite good. Had a Bison burger that had a Bourbon bacon jam on it that was to die for. Little did I know that would be the start of the good food we ate all weekend. 

Refreshed and ready to go, back in the car and off to McMinnville. We took the back roads, avoiding the freeway whenever we could. Along the route we saw some beautiful scenery. The Willamette Valley is famous for wine these days, specifically Pinot Noirs. I haven't had very many Pinot Noirs and was looking forward to tasting what Oregon had to offer. 

As we drove along the highway we kept seeing winery after winery after winery. I had no idea Oregon had such a wine scene. Turns out there are 800 wineries in the Willamette Valley. That's a lotta wine. 

By the time we hit McMinnville we were about to be late for our first wine tasting. See most the wine tasting rooms require reservations - which we found odd, but whatever. We only made one reservation for the first day and figured we'd just wing it. 

Our first winery was R. Stuart. They focus on Pinot Noirs - shocking, and some bubbly wines. Janet and I both had two different flights. I chose to have the summer flight which was mostly whites (which I rarely drink) and two bubbly wines. All of them were super crisp and pretty refreshing. 

Our next stop was a wine bar that focused on all different types of wineries. Pinot Vina was a fun, comfortable little bar. There was a guy on guitar singing all the tunes from the 70s that I love. And the wine. Oh boy was the wine good. 

But wait, we learned something too in the winery. We made a comment about the glasses that had been used in the previous winery and how odd it was its in this winery too. Apparently these wine glasses were created specifically for Pinot Noir in that area. Odd in and of itself. But wait...there's more. They said that a full bottle of wine could fit in these glasses. Neither Janet nor I could believe that. So "Bill" the guy pouring our wine showed us. And I'll be darn if a full bottle of wine didn't fit in that glass, with a little room to spare. 

Ahem. Anyhow, I walked away with two bottles of wine from there. The Oregon Coast "collection" has started. 

We checked ourselves in to our hotel and then headed out to find dinner. We found a fun little Mexican place and filled our tummies with glorious Mexican food. 

Sunday, June 20

Up early-ish and out the door to find breakfast and then some wine to drink. We found ourselves in downtown McMinnville again - I mean, it's where the action is. McMinnville has shut down one of their main roads and allow only pedestrian traffic. It's such a good idea and really helped the tasting rooms, restaurants and other businesses along 3rd Street. 

Breakfast was at McMenamins. We had time to kill before our first wine tasting reservation at noon. After breakfast we walked the street to see what McMinnville had to offer. It was sunny and beautiful out again and it was nice to get out and walk. 

Our first winery of the day was called Terra Vina. As soon as we sat down the wine pourer told us that if we were looking for Pinot Noirs we would not find them there. They focused on BIG, BOLD red wines. I think I found my heaven. We assured her we'd be fine with whatever Big, Bold wines she poured us. 

And boy were we happy. Some delicious wines here. Bought a couple more bottles to bring home. The wine pourer was so fun to talk to. She had 30 years experience and was full of fun stories.

Our next winery was Willamette Valley Winery. None of their wines were overly thrilling. They were just ok. After we drank our flight, the wine steward brought us a taste of their Riesling. It was delicious.

A VERY late lunch, or early dinner at a Mexican place and we were off to the coast. 

Monday, June 21st

We stayed at a place called the Shalishan Resort. Great room. It's on the south side of Lincoln City closer to Gleneden Beach. It was a nice, woodsy place to stay. 

Our first stop today was breakfast. We took our time getting out of the room in the morning so it was a LATE breakfast. We stopped at a place called Otis Cafe. It was one of the top 10 breakfast places in Lincoln City so we thought we'd give it a try. 

Y'all...it was so good. HOMEMADE chicken fried steak, not that frozen crap people pass off as "chicken fried steak". But the best part was the unique breads they made. Your toast options were not the normal white, wheat etc. No. They were HOMEMADE Molasses or Pumpkin or Sourdough. They said we could split the toast so do a half and half. I originally said I'd do the Molasses and Sourdough then got the stink eye from Janet so switched to the Pumpkin. It did not disappoint. In fact, I bought a loaf and brought it home. Also bought a bag of their housemade seasoning that was on the table. I can see it on just about anything. 

After breakfast we hit the road. North towards Tillamook for ice cream was the plan for the day. 

The Oregon coast is beautiful The road was windy and the sun was out. It was a great day. 

We stopped at Tillamook to see a guy about ice cream. The place was packed. We swung around the big line for people wanting to see the factory and bellied right on up to order ice cream. We had our picks in mind, and yet...when we got to the front of the line I spotted a CHOCOLATE FLIGHT! WHA??? So we switched and went with that one. It contained our favorites; Chocolate & Peanut Butter, Udderly Chocolate, and Mudslide. MMMM

After polishing that off, we went in search of photograph cheese curds (I should mention I did a photo scavenger hunt for this trip - Tillamook Mudslide Ice cream and me eating it was one of the items). Once inside the store, Janet realized we could waltz on up to the "tour" which was a do it yourself type. So we peeked into how cheese is made. 

After Tillamook, we kept heading North. Our main goal was really nothing. We ended up at Canon Beach though. Stopping for any view points and cute little towns along the way. We took some photos in front of Haystack Rock and wrote our name in the sand. From there we hopped back in the car and headed back to Lincoln City.

On our way back down we stopped at two wineries; the Nehalem Bay Winery and the Blue Heron Wine and French Cheese stop. The latter was super misleading. I thought I'd get wine with french cheese. Not true. You got wine to taste and if you wanted, you could buy some cheese.

Because we had a late breakfast, we skipped lunch. I had a hankering for fish and chips. We found this fun little restaurant called Pub & Fish. Super fast service and REALLY good fish and chips. 

Tuesday, June 22nd

Today we headed South towards Newport. This part of the Oregon Coast is absolutely gorgeous. We stopped in Depoe Bay to buy taffy for Sherrie and while there walked in and out of all the fun shops there. 

Further down the coast we stopped at Cape Foulweather and watched for whales. Saw none, but did see some beautiful beach landscape. 

Slightly down from Cape Foulweather we took a road to Otter Rock. It was a one way, windy road through thick trees. It was beautiful. It spit us out at a look out and the Devil's Punchbowl. It's a rock formation that when the waves hit it inside it, they churn like the devil. 

We tasted wine at a small winery called the Flying Dutchman Winery. Mostly gross wine, but their cab was tasty. 

Back in the car we headed a bit further south to the Sea Lion Caves just to see them. Turns out there's a fee to see them. Nope. Not that interested. 

We ate dinner at the resort. Janet had $75 credit to use so we figured why not. It was surprisingly good. The best part really was dessert. It was a Stout Brownie. Oh man...they warmed it up and it was all ooey and gooey...so good. 

Wednesday, June 23rd

Homeward bound. We wanted to get an early start today to get home. We hit Starbucks on the way out of Lincoln City. We drove up to Astoria and then over to I5 on the Oregon side.

All in all it was a fun weekend. Tons of good food and laughter. The Oregon Coast is beautiful and a place I'd love to see again.

June comes rushing in...

As I was driving home from book club last night I was thinking how crazy it is that it's June. Time does fly and it is definitely getting faster. I pulled over last night at the top of a hill and just sat for a minute and watched the sunset. I rarely slow down long enough to do that. It makes me want to do it more. To sit and just reflect on the moment. Not think about the past, or put together some list for the next few days, or worry about a work assignment that's not done. No. Just sit. 

I sat and just focused on my senses. I sat and listened to the sounds. A dog barking, a bird chirping, some other sound I couldn't recognize. A sneeze in some house near by. A loud car driving by. I noticed the breeze blowing across my face (the top was down in the car...). The smell of cut trees or wood. 

I only sat for about 5 minutes or so. It was refreshing and oddly it re-energized me a bit. I made a mental note to do this more often. 

Other exciting things happening...

Work continues to be work. Learning a new job at a new company remotely is a challenge, but fun all the same. I was ready for a new challenge. And it's really hard to believe that Monday May 31st was our 90th day! Three months went by in a blink of an eye. 

The area is opening up more and more now that more folks are vaccinated. I've noticed places like Starbucks and Mod Pizza have no signs about wearing masks. Then this week the gym made masks optional. Whoa. I'll admit I'm not sad to see those masks go away. Especially at the gym. 

There's still a bit of caution I feel because of the variants out there. But I think I've finally just decided that if I get sick, then so be it. The vaccine will at least keep me from being hospitalized...or so they say.

I have a feeling summer is going to roar in and out and we'll be welcoming the fall in no time. I'm determined to enjoy this summer. After last summer where we couldn't do anything, I think I need it. 

So Much Change...

It's amazing what can happen in a month. Just when you think your life is on track, you've got savings, you've got some semblance of a social life (thanks Covid), WHAM out of no where you get knocked on your mental ass. 

Mom used to tell me that your life strings are never parallel at the same time. Meaning if your social life is going well, another string is shortened - like your work life. Either way, nothing stays "even" all the time. She was not wrong. 

I have a new job at a new company! That's what's changed. 

On Feb 23rd it was announced to our company that we were being acquired by one of our competitors. The next week we'd be interviewing for a new role and there was no guarantee we'd have a new role. Anxiety level shot through the roof. 

Logically I knew I'd be fine. I just didn't want to find a new job. The new company were offering a severance should we not find a role within their walls. So in a way it was a win/win. I just didn't want to look for a job right now. Ugh. 

As it turns out, my skills as Senior Director of MediaPro transferred nicely to one of their Director roles. I'm now the Director of Custom Courseware Services at KnowBe4. They are another adult learning company who focuses on security and privacy training. Their mission is "KnowBe4 enables your employees to make smarter security decisions, every day." Fits right up the security alley I've been in already.

In a flurry the last week of February we had to determine if we wanted to take the new role or not. It was a lot in a very short amount of time. I had a total of 45 minutes of interviews and then had to make a decision. It wasn't a hard decision, just stressful. I decided since they didn't need my role to be in Clearwater, Fl - which is where they are located - I figured I'd take the leap. 

Since then it has been full on training. They have an enormous training plan for each employee and while training isn't fun for most, I loved it. It was like peeking into our competitors war chest. To see the training they've been offering and comparing it to ours. They really have a solid combination of training options. Our courseware will add nicely to their existing. 

Most of my team also found jobs. Many of them are in transition roles for a year - with the goal of finding them something else within the KnowBe4 world. We all went through training together (the largest training class ever at KB4) and we all "completed" it together. So thrilled to have so many of the MP family over to KB4.

So... that's what's been going on! It's been insane and crazy and change around every corner. But KnowBe4 is a solid company. They love their employees. They are a positive group of people who love their job and their product and their company. It shows. In every conversation I've had with new folks they just love it there...genuinely love it. 

Other things going on in life has been more of the same. 

If you've been playing along at home, you'll know that I finally got ONE of my two chairs I ordered in September of 2020. LazyBoy has been nothing but lame with regards to getting my chairs to me. The second chair was MIA for a couple of weeks - which makes zero sense considering they were both purchased at the same time and went through the factory at the same time. Then suddenly they can't find the second chair. But alas, I will finally see the second chair tomorrow. They say. I won't believe it until my butt is actually sitting in it. The first chair has been completely claimed by the cats... good luck to anyone who comes into the house expecting to sit. 

Being thoroughly CAT scanned

They've claimed it!

Lastly, the Niece and her GF have left. They moved to Tennessee on March 8th. I will miss those two girls so much. It'll be weird to not have them here to do things with or to help around the house. I've come to rely on The Niece to help me to misc things around this place. She's always willing to help. Now the two of them are on a new adventure in Tennessee. I'm thrilled for them, but sad for me. I've not been to TN, so now I have a reason to go there.

Stay tuned. If I've learned nothing else in the last month it's that change is a constant. Death, taxes, and change are all guaranteed to happen. Oh goody!

 

And so it happened...

I miss my mom. Everyone misses my mom. There are days I miss her so much it hurts and days that I smile at the memories. 

The first year after she died was probably one of the hardest years of my life. Dealing with what the experts say "all the firsts". The first Mother's Day, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, her first birthday without her. All so difficult. At times, buying eggs would set me off down the grief path. Crying in the grocery store for no real good reason, other than grief. 

As the years progressed those days still hurt and I still feel her loss so acutely. 

Every year I usually have a very hard day on the day we lost her, January 17th. I usually spend the day in and out of crying fits. And I usually don't realize why I'm so sad until half the day is over. Once I realize what the day is, I tend to "feel better".

This year...this year Jan 17th flew by and I didn't even notice. I realized yesterday that I missed feeling sad that day and didn't even think about it. Then I felt sad for not remembering. 

Grief is such an interesting thing and it's true what people said that you will eventually start just remembering ALL the days, feeling sad when you need to, keeping memories alive all the time, and one day you just won't care what day is what. 

Oddly I feel like I let mom down. Like somehow not remembering her on the day she died is letting go of her some how. Yet I know in my heart I think about her every day or a memory (good or bad) comes to mind every day. She's here in me. Shit, I've turned into her on so many levels it's like she's been reincarnated (only as a democrat).

Finally I realized, it's ok. She's still in my heart. And skipping feeling sad on the day she died is ok. It's been an odd year, so I'm not surprised I forgot. 

Hot Stove Virtual Cooking Class

I've been blathering on and on today about this cooking class and I figured I might as well go into more details here. I mean, that is what this blog is for right? 

Our company postponed our holiday party and today we finally had it. A poll was put out about what type of virtual thing we should do and the cooking class won. So our amazing office manager arranged it and today we all cooked. 

The cooking class was through a company called Hot Stove. And the class was with Chef Tom Douglas. He's a local chef who owns a metric crap ton of restaurants in Seattle. He's been on the news lately for cooking and feeding those suffering from the pandemic. In person he seemed mostly like all chef's seem...an egomaniac. 

Still it's Tom Douglas and I was determined to learn from him. But I am getting ahead of myself. 

The box of ingredients showed up yesterday with a menu and recipes. Unpacking the box was interesting. It reminded me of when I used to order those meals from Hello Fresh. Everything pre-portioned and pre-measured for you. It's part of what I really didn't like about Hello Fresh. In this case, it totally makes sense though. 

One of the containers that contained smaller containers for ingredients to make the dipping sauce. Two of those little containers had sprung a leak. So the soy sauce and rice vinegar were a goner. Thankfully I had those ingredients on hand. 

I really wasn't sure how a virtual cooking class would work out. I liked that I was in my kitchen using my tools. I had everything all arranged and ready to go for the class. 

It really looked like it was a whole production going on on their side. He had a camera man and a side helper chef. It was like watching a cooking show only I was doing the cooking. 

The best part about this was he cooks a lot like Julia Child...with wine. I had some wine poured too and I had to pace myself or I'm pretty sure the dumplings wouldn't have turned out. 

Anyhow, we made this cucumber salad first. It's called Smacked Cucumber Salad. You literally crush the cucumber instead of cutting it. Two things happened to me:

1. I couldn't smash it. My OCD side came out and said, "Ah no. We'll be cutting it like a civilized person". 
2. All I could think about was Gallagher

Now I love cucumbers. They, however, do not love me. I burp just thinking about them. This recipe was made with English cucumbers. Many people believe they are less burpy. For me they have the same level of burpy too them. But they're so darn good ... I suffer. 

After the salad, we moved on to the fun part. The dumplings. I've made wontons before but never pot

stickers. I was looking forward to learning how to fold them.

The interesting thing about how this class went is that sometimes he went slower than snot over things. Other times he sped right past them as if it were like we had all done whatever a thousand times. Folding the dumplings, I felt, was one of those speed right pass moments. He showed it twice, but the camera angle wasn't great so I didn't get a good idea how to do it. Thus I created my own fold. 

It looks like a little crown. The pork filling we put inside these babies came already prepared (the recipe for the Pork Dumplings is here). I made about 10 by the time we started cooking. 

The cooking is where it all comes together. Tom's method is to put some oil in the pan to begin with (he didn't really say how much) and letting them pan fry for a bit, then you add some water. Again, he didn't really say how much to begin with. 

Now having cooked some I think the problem I had with the first batch is the heat was up too high. Have I mentioned I really miss my gas stove? I burned the first batch. The second turned out way better. The "burnt" ones were just extra crunchy. Both were delicious. But what made them so good was the dipping sauce. Oh man I could have drank that sauce. 

The kit came with enough ingredients to make 66 pot stickers. There was a mushroom / tofu mix too for the dumplings. I haven't made those yet. I made the rest of the pork ones and froze them. I'll pull those bad boys out for an appetizer on Saturday when the Niece, her GF and the fam come over for dinner. 

On a side note, I jokingly said to the Niece a couple of weeks ago that I get her and the GF every Saturday night before they leave. I was joking (mostly) and this will be the third Saturday night they'll be here for dinner. I'm so glad they took me seriously. I'm gonna miss her. Maybe I can mail her dumplings.

How to Do Goals in a Pandemic

I was thinking about goals last night and how the pandemic impacted my goals in 2020 and if it's going to impact mine for 2021. 

In 2020 I had this massive list of 50 things I wanted to do. Suffice it to say, 75% of them had to get scratched out because they required being in public or going to a restaurant or something that meant you could get the 'rona.

This year's list is only 30 items. I wouldn't call them goals as much as things I'd like to do this year. Some are my actual goals like reading and cooking and such. There are several on here that I'm almost sure won't happen, but it's worth dreaming a little.

So with very little fanfare, here's the list:

1. Travel to a new country (this is one of the 75% that may not happen)
2. Pay it forward - buy a strangers coffee
3. Donate quarterly
4. Do a good deed without explanation
5. Send flowers to someone
6. Go on 2 road trips
7. Visit Paul and Suzanna in Bellingham (or someplace in the middle)
8. Go for a walk on the beach
9. Watch a sunset for real (not out your front door)
10. Try 10 new restaurants (if we can)
11. Go to Space Needle restaurant (if we can)
12. See a movie in the theater (if we can)
13. Read 50 books or 15,000 pages
14. Follow a cleaning schedule that includes the big stuff we forget (windows, baseboards, etc)
15. Ride a ferry
16. Buy a new mattress
17. Complete your outstanding online classes
18. Complete your TBR Leadership books
19. Complete you movie watch list
20. Finish the marvel movie list
21. Plan and complete 5 scrapbook projects
22. Review / Revise the Will and update the "death" book
23. Book a date or two with a friend you haven't seen
24. Bake a treat quarterly
25. 125 new recipes
26. Visit MOHAI (if we can)
27. Visit NW Trek (if we can)
28. Visit Tillicum Village (if we can)
29. Take the elevator to the top of Columbia Tower (if we can)
30. Do 10 wine tastings

Phew. I'm tired just typing it. Like I said, these aren't "goals" as such, but things that I like to try to remember to do. It helps my life keep in balance a little by doing some different things. 

In other news, we have today off to celebrate MLK. I had forgotten, or didn't realize it, until a colleague reminded me on Thursday. What a gift to realize you have an extra day off. I spent part of the morning reviewing some of his speeches and reading some of his story. What an amazing man. So ahead of his time. This is one of my favorite quotes from him: 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So long 2020...it wasn't fun. 

Hello 2021...please be kind to us and our frayed nerves. 

I didn't stay up last night. I rarely do anymore. I mean, it's just another day. The universe had another plan for me though.

The new neighborhood, apparently, are allowed fireworks. They started around 8pm and were periodic. 

I went to bed around 10:30. Fell asleep and then was bolted awake at midnight. The amount of fireworks going of was amazing. And not the small ones. M80s are apparently the firework of choice up here in the hood. 

In addition, the neighborhood exploded in HAPPY NEW YEAR cheers. I had to smile at how loud it was from all the different condos. 

So here we are...2021. I'm still working on the full list of goals. I feel like there are a couple different ones I want to work on, but they haven't quite bubbled to the brain and haven't been formed into words. 

The regular ones are:

• 50 new books, or 15,000 pages
• 125 New recipes (up'd this from 100)
• Up the 401K by 2%
• Squash the random spending (practice the "need" versus "want")
• 300 scrapbook pages (I hit 340 this year, but without a major trip last year, this goal will be a touch one)
• Pick a charity for the year and donate monthly

The other thing that the world does is the "one little word" concept. I've tried this a couple of years in a row and usually make it about 90 days before I forget, or just don't care. I have one friend who's doing "12 words" this year. One for each month. Her theory is your life shifts and changes, so why be so rigid on "one little word". I kinda like that. I'm not going to do it, but I like it. 

Instead, I want to focus on a concept. The election this year showed me that I get worked up over the smallest of comments, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to sway or change the minds of people. So my "one little concept" is going to be LET IT BE. We'll see how that goes. 

Happy New Years everyone. Here's to making 2021 just a little brighter.