It's Hard to Say Goodbye

I had to make the most difficult decision us pet owners have to make. I had to let my Sweet Lucy go last night.

My last photo with Lucy. 

Lucy has had some breathing difficulties for a couple of months now. Her original diagnosis was asthma. We put her on a steroid to help with that. It did help for a little.

Last week her breathing became more labored than it should have. I was able to get her in immediately for a vet visit. We did an x-ray and the vet came in and said, “Lucy’s in trouble.” There was more she said but I sorta zoned out after that.

She sent me to Timberline Vets so Lucy could be put immediately into an oxygen chamber. She spent the rest of Monday and all day Tuesday in this oxygen chamber. The vet that met with me gave me several options. We went down the path of more tests on Monday.

Tuesday a different vet called and provided an update. She was going to do an abdominal ultrasound and would call me later in the day with an update. They had felt something hard in her abdomen and wanted to just rule out any blockage as the issue. Following that they were going to do a lung wash. She explained what that was and boy did it not sound pleasant. But if it gave us something to work with, I was willing to agree to yet another test. 

The same vet then called around 1 and laid it on the line for me. She said Lucy wasn’t able to stay outside the oxygen chamber for long without her breathing becoming labored. The lung wash provided no useful information and the latest x-ray showed her lung tissue was seriously compromised.

“Seriously compromised”. Those are difficult words to hear.

She provided some more tests we could try. But honestly the tone of her voice told me all that I needed to hear. Her tone was sad; defeated. I asked her the question I didn’t want to ask. I asked, “Are we talking end of life here?”

She paused and said she would support that decision. Nothing we could do for Lucy would make her better. She couldn’t live outside the oxygen chamber and lung tissue doesn't regenerate. So, basically, she'd never get better. 

GULP. We hung up and I cried. A lot…

Then I got myself together and called Sherrie to see if she wanted to go visit Lucy with me. She did of course and thank GOD she was with me. I was clear with her as to the fact our visit would be saying goodbye. She still wanted to come and say goodbye and support me.

I don’t really remember the trip to the vet. But once we got there they took us back to see Lucy in the chamber. She recognized me immediately and perked right up. She started purring and walking back and forth in the chamber. There were little doors we could reach through to pet her. And she seemed so happy to see a friendly face.  

I asked the vet tech if we could hold her and spend some time with her outside the chamber. I explained I had made that decision to let her go. She immediately got Lucy out of the chamber and took us to a room to spend time with her.

Once in the room she handed me Lucy who quickly put herself in the usual position over my left shoulder. She hugged me. I hugged back. She purred like she always does. I cried. 

We loved on her for about 20 minutes and then we gave the vet our go ahead to put her down.

They brought in a VERY comfortable looking blanket. The type Lucy would love. We laid her down on the blanket. The vet explained what would happen, including some things that might happen so I was prepared. I was sure I was about to run from the room but I stayed. Lucy needed to not be alone.  

She was very content. It was like she was ok with this decision. She was ready. 

As she laid there and the Vet started, I had my face next to her ear, my hand on her side and I whispered my love to her and my thankfulness for her filling my life with joy. I told her I would remember her forever and that I’d take special care of Linus.

The vet indicated we were beginning and within 10 seconds she was gone. Peaceful. Very peaceful.

I kissed the top of her head and stepped away. Sherrie said her goodbyes and the vet wrapped her up and walked out.

Sherrie and I sat and cried and cried. 

I know in my heart it was THE ONLY decision to make. I don’t regret it at all. But I’m sad. And I’ll miss her every day. 

Linus seems to be ok with this. He hasn't spent any time "looking" for her like I thought he would. He's been by my side non-stop though. He hasn't been on her chair once. So maybe he knows. 

It feels weird to only have him. I keep telling him it's just him and me now.