The Last of the Firsts

They say the first year after you lose someone you love is the hardest. They, whoever "they" are, are not kidding.

They also say that the first year if full of the "firsts". The "first" birthday without  the love one,  the "first" Mother's day, the "first" anniversary, the "first Christmas...and it goes on and on.

I've managed to survive most of those "firsts". Some were so hard I could barely breath. Others, I blew past without even hurting.

There were some that the leading up to it was way worse than the actual "first"- i.e. Mother's Day. I was so sure Mother's day would suck so royally that the entire week leading up to it I was a complete mess. Then on the actual day...nothing. I was grieved out.

Her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday...all sucked. Mom and I had so many silly, little traditions for those occasions that it was super hard to not have her here to experience them.

Now the real BIG first is upon us...

Hold please...tearing up.

Sheesh.

One year ago today, I got the call that changed my life forever. Cousin calling to tell me mom had a stroke. As if it was yesterday I can still hear her words... "no brain activity." "come immediately."

The "no brain activity" rang in my head for weeks after. I just couldn't believe it. How was it possible that Mom was near death? Surely Cousin J was wrong. Mom would survive this. Cousin J was just being over dramatic...

She wasn't.

So tonight as I sit here and try very hard to not think about how much I lost, I find myself thinking about it. Funny that. The more you try to NOT think about something, the more you think about it.

By this time last year I was sitting in this same chair, crying my eyes out to some poor rep with Alaska airlines trying desperately to get me to Tucson the following day.

As this week progresses, I have a feeling this will get worse. I miss her as much today as I did a year ago. I still can't believe she's gone as much today as I did a year ago. Still try to cal her. Still want to share stories, gossip etc with her. Still want to ask her if she is still happy about voting for Trump. :-)

So hang tight friends, it's going to be a wildly emotional week...yay. Can't wait for this first to be over. I know it won't be any better...but it'll be over.