Goal #1 accomplished: 20 lbs LOST

5 months ago, I weighed 273 lbs. 

Gulp.

That’s really hard to type and put out there. But there it is.

Two hundred and seventy three pounds!

It was after my annual Tucson Christmas trip that got me thinking. Plane rides had become increasingly uncomfortable for me. I never know just how small the seats are going to be and whether I will “comfortably” fit into them.  This trip my fears came true. Not only were the seats smaller (at least they felt smaller) but this time I had to ask for a seat belt extender. I was officially mortified.

When I returned home from Christmas I decided it was time.  So I took my first step. I stepped onto the scale.

As I stood on a scale in my bathroom, I saw the number. 273 lbs. I knew I had to get into shape. I had to make myself healthy. Although, getting into shape and getting healthy for me at that moment meant a massive life overhaul.

I felt lost, and scared, and fat. 

I was at the crossroads of being almost 300lbs and choosing to live a healthy life.  This change would be hard. I had lost that ability to say to myself, “yeah I’m big, but I’m not going to ever be that big.” I was teetering on the edge of being “that big.”

From as far back as I can remember I was overweight.  Bigger, than chubby, if you will. My weight gradually rose from birth through the college years, through the 20’s, 30’s and so on. It has always defined who I thought I was and more importantly how I felt others saw me. 

Being fat was all I knew.

As I stepped off the scale, I didn’t have to ask myself how I had got there. I knew.  At first, my mind went to the obvious- the food. I loved food. The pastas, the meats, the breads, the pizzas, the chips, the fast food, all of it. Then my mind went to the genes- we’re big people.  I played the blame game for a bit. It was easier to blame my family genes than to take accountability.  

I knew the truth, though. 

I didn’t become obese (God I hate that word) because I loved food or because my family was big. I became obese because I was making all the horrible food choices, for all the right reasons. Over the years I trained myself to use food to supplement my life and my emotions. I loved food and food loved me. When I was feeling insecure or anxious, I could control the food- the kind and the amount. When I felt nervous, food reassured me. When I was anxious food soothed me. When I was sad, food lifted me up. For every.single.emotion I could turn to food and food would love me back.

At 43 years old, though, food didn’t love me anymore. My dependency on it needed to come to an end. Desire to change on that cold day in January standing on the scale, is what brought me to make the decision to change. It brought me to the Redmond Athletic club. It brought me to Jenny Craig. It brought me to the realization that I can make the right choices about my health and my diet.

What’s been helpful for me, I think, is living one day at a time. I try not to look at the big picture, the many, MANY pounds to be lost that are looming over me. With 100+ pounds to go before I reached the finish line of weight loss and good health, it was very easy to become discouraged. I just try to get through the day feeling my best and knowing that I just kicked [insert the day] in the pants. There have been times when I think, “Oh my God, I can’t eat another Jenny Craig meal and not have Dorito’s ever again.” But then I asked myself, “Can you do it today, Jenn? Just today?” The answer was easy. Yes. Yes I could.

Eventually I’ll arrive at my goal weight – whatever that weight is. My journey to that point will likely be at once the most agonizing and gratifying experience of my life. And being smaller, almost half my size, will be terrifying. How do you maintain a weight you’ve never known? How do you live moderately? What is normalcy? The answers to these questions are a mystery to me. I have no frame of reference for my new body because I only knew two modes: overeating and dieting. Learning to maintain my weight will be as hard as losing it. But that story will have to wait. 

Lastly I wanted to thank everyone that’s been cheering me on.  I don’t tell you every day, but your up-lifting and kind words do keep me going.  I keep them in a folder in my email so on the days I’m feeling discouraged, I can pull them out and feel your strength.  At the end of all this, we’ll celebrate. With low-cal food choices of course.