Listy List List

I'm single. 

I have been for a long time.

I'm okay with that.

Other people seem to not be okay with that.  I think single people sometimes make married types or dating types nervous.  This theory isn't a proven one yet, its just my gut ... or indigestion.   Hard to tell.

Anyhow, back to being single.  Let me state for the record that I do want to be with someone. I do want to find that special someone who makes me happy.  I won't drift off into him "completing me" because, kids, I'm pretty damn complete (and awesome) as I am. 

Today at work, my office mate and I were having a conversation about the love of her life.  I'm not sure how we got on the topic, but as she was talking about making lists, she blurted out that a list was how she found the love of her life.  Huh? A list? Its that easy?

She went on to talk about what she wanted and how she wouldn't compromise on any of the items on her list.  She said her friends told her she was crazy and that she'd never EVER (she punctuated "ever") find that man on her list.  Turns out, her friends were wrong. She did find that man and she plans on living happily ever after with that man.

A list?

I can do a list.

My list:
1. Breathing

Done.

Okay, just kidding. I'm a kidder.

My list:
1. Breathing
2. And I'll be selfish and ask for two arms and two legs

What?  You think I want more?  Man do you know me at all?

In all seriousness, I've always shied away from the dreaded "list" because I've always thought it would limit me.  But today and I listened to my office mate prattle on I thought, "Actually, I make lists for everything. Why not for a mate?"  I'm starting my list. And I'm moving on past breathing and two arms/legs. I'm going to assume those are a given.

I'm almost *gasp* 42 and I think I'm ready.  Stop pushing Mom...sheesh.  Maybe the new year will push me over the ledge and I'll start the online dating thing again.  Mrs. NotQuiteNewlywedsAnymore swears I need to give eHarmony 6 months minimum. She said I gave up too soon last time. Truth be told it wasn't me who gave up, but rather my wallet. 

I'm quickly getting out of debt (an attractive quality I think) so what's stopping me.  Why am I not putting myself out there?

When I asked myself that question looking in the mirror, the answer evaded me.  Then one day I was driving and singing to some sappy 80's song when it hit me - as clear as day...

I'm scared.

Petrified really.

What if out of the millions of available men out there (I'm guestimating on the millions) there is a single, solitary one that's my perfect match in every way? 

Which then leads to - what if I'm meant to be alone my entire life? At which point the missing girlie parts and lack of estrogen gets my eyes all watery again.

I don't want to be alone.  I want the happiness having someone, a companion really, a best friend.  My inner insecurities that tell my I don't deserve that sort of happiness, needs to take the next train outta here.  I must believe I'm a good enough person to be loved.  I mean really, I can cook!

And so, this roller coaster of the single life is going to change.  I'm putting myself out there...soon...

And just think, you'll get to benefit because you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be blogging about it.  I might ever, wait for it, make it interesting! Well, only so interesting my mother reads this after all.