Vanquishing a Demon

Its time.  The demon has lived with me for far too long.  I’ve fought off this demon many times in the past and have been successful for a short amount of time.  I’d give up and give in.  Only to face off with the demon again. 

Two years ago I let the demon be free. I let it do whatever it wanted, whenever it wanted and did not stop to consider the consequences.  I knew that one day the consequences would become more important than the rest.  But for the time being I let the demon be free. 

Finally, I’m ready to tame the demon.  I’m sure I’ll be successful for a while. I always am.

I’m sure I’ll fall off the wagon and let the demon run free.

I’m sure the demon will push me to the edge. 

I’ve lived with this demon since the day I was born – it feels like anyhow.  Some years I’ve been more successful than others in taming it.  But I’ve never felt as ready to tame it as I do at this moment.  I’m going to do all that I can to hold on to this feeling of dominance over the demon. It’ll be difficult. It’ll be challenging. And it’ll be worth it. 

If you’ve never struggled with weight, it’s not likely you can understand this demon.  I remember the first time the MomUnit loaded me up in the car and off we went to Weight Watchers.  I think I was in 6^th or 7^th grade.  I’m not sure what the MomUnit was hoping to achieve by taking me to WW. I like to think she was helping me understand my relationship with food. I felt, well, hurt.  I saw it as “your fat and we need to fix you.”  Of course I was a teen girl and well, you know how teen girls are...emotional.  Not too surprisingly I wasn’t successful at it.  The ParentalUnits did a good job of cooking healthy – mostly. We had well rounded dinners and we always had a salad.  It was the other meals that I could control that worked against me.  It was the snacks in between the meals that would hurt me. It was the hiding the cookies and candy in my room that would hurt me.

This cycle continued for years.  YEARS.  I would try new gimmicks. I would try new “diets”. I would try to remove carbs.” I’d try to eat only protein. I’d try to not eat (not ever successful at this one).  At the end of the day, I would give in every. Single. Time. 

And I may this time. 

The larger goal is too daunting to even look at.  I know what that number is, and frankly seeing it makes me not want to even try. So my goal is 20 lbs. Just twenty.  I’d like to try to lost 20 by the end of March. That’s pretty aggressive, but it’s a goal.  That’s 6lbs a month. Which won’t be a problem the first month – mostly because its easy to stay on any new eating lifestyle for a month and the initial weight loss will be water (so they say). 

I need to move more.  Walking 30minutes a week certainly isn’t exercise. It’s getting fresh air.  So I bought a Zumba DVD kit to start. I watched the first 20 minutes last night to get myself familiar with it. I found my feet were ready to move with the beat. This kit is a 4 week kit that starts you out as a beginner and gradually adds more little by little each week.  I’ve scheduled (actually on my calendar) the time between 4pm and 5pm for Zumba.  I’ll eventually need to join a gym probably because I’ll get bored with this DVD set. For now, it’s the plan. 

Self speak needs to change.  Just rereading this blog post I can see I’ve already given myself exit strategies.  Which is okay – mostly.  I’m not delusional enough – yet – to think I will be 100% successful at this all the time. I think the realistic approach is better than trying to go all out and then fail and wonder why.  I know I’ll fail at times.  And that’s okay.  Heck, I may even stop after a month. But I’m going to start really thinking about why I’m doing this.  It’s not for vanity reasons – it’s for health reasons.  I want to live longer.  Watching my father struggle with diabetes makes me NOT want to be like that.  

Free days will be part of this journey. I discovered during my last attempt at this, that having a free day once a week really helped me. It was something to work towards.  Something that I could look forwards to and know on my free day I can have that pasta. Or that heavier meal, non-diet meal.  It feeds the beast and it helps me be ready to get on with it again.  Plus, having the free day and exercising…that can’t be nearly as bad as having every day a free day and NOT exercising. 

So here I am telling you, my friends and family, that I’m starting on a quest. I’m going to try to vanquish this demon.  I know some of you will support me. Some of you will scoff. Some of you may even try to deter me.  At the end of the day, I am the one who controls my destiny. And as of this minute, this moment, this first day of vanquishing the demon – I’m feeling pretty good.