Just How Bad Can it get?

I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know.

I'm feeling, of late, like a beaten down, stomped on, abused little kitten. "They" say - whomever "they" are - that when you're down you only have up to go. I'm not 100% sure about that, but am trying to hold out hope.

It seems that life is a constant ebb and flow of good times and bad times. Any time now I can see the good times. Really, any time now...a.n.y.t.i.m.e! I'm still waiting.

I'm in a situation where even when I think I'm doing my best and trying to do my best, that inevitably a negative is found in my performance. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing I do will ever be good enough or meet the extraordinary expectations that appear to be just set high enough for me to not reach. I can't help but wonder, what it would feel like to get a "good job" once in a while? What does that "approval" feel like?

I am, generally, the first to admit when I need to grow. When feedback is given to me, I generally take it seriously and make strides to "fix" whatever it is that appears to be broken. It's one of the most redeeming qualities that I happen to like about myself. But being forced to change the way you do things, and knowing that you're under a microscope while you make those changes, just lends to making mistakes. The constant walking on egg shells and constantly having to prove myself is not something I do well. And what may have ordinarily been a "mistake" is taken out of context and blown up to appear that you are incompetent. I'm not I swear! I used to think that I was good at what I did and now am questioning it. I hate that. I hate that. I mean, let me learn. Let me grow and let me make mistakes and look at them in context to what I've done well.

And what about my successes? Do they mean nothing? Do they get swept under a carpet and not mentioned?

I will be the first to admit I am far from perfect. But now I'm wondering if I'm ever going to be close to acceptable.

I probably shouldn't post this, but it's after 9pm and I'm just leaving work and frankly I just don't care right now.

And don't worry about me. I'll come out the other end and be fine. By the time most of you read this I will have gotten some sleep, have had a 5 freakin A.M. con call, and moved on hopefully. I'm just feeling beaten to a pulp right now and find the only way to feel better is to write about it. Though if anyone has any advice on how to "impress" and "convince" others of my greatness, please email me - or post to the blog.

To lift my spirits though, I peaked to see who won American Idol. I've been accused lately of being a closet idol watcher. I'm not, I swear, but it just so happens that a Mr. Hotty McSexyson is a contestant...and boy can he ever sing. And thankfully to some very serious voting that went on over there yonder in a small gardenish state, Mr. McSexyson won. Thanks Jersey!