It's not easy to say goodbye

My emotions feel like they are on the spin cycle. 

Dad's still hanging on. The hospice nurse (Side note: There's a special place in heaven for hospice care givers. ) told mom last week that it would be just a couple of days.  I ticked off each passing day with dread and sadness in my heart.  Knowing that Dad is here physically, but gone from us in all other ways.  He just hurst so much.

I've had this nagging throught in my head that perhaps dad was waiting for me to come and see him.  You know how you hear stories of loved ones waiting for the last of the family to see them and then they pass.  I was thinking that since the two older brothers had seen him, that perhaps he was waiting for me and the middle brother.  I mentioned it to mom and within a day or two she thought maybe it would be good for me to talk to dad over the phone.

Back in August of last year when dad was doing so poorly and we were sure it was the end, I made an extraordinary effort to talk to dad about how he helped mold me into the woman I was.  I thanked him for being a dad. For taking me into his heart and loving me like his own daughter.  He was awake and lucid then. And the look of pure love he gave me was enough for me.  I had made my peace with him.  He squeezed my hand and asked if it was ice cream time. (The care facility had ice cream every day at 1).  I just smiled and went to find ice cream. 

Now, almost a year later, I had to tell him it was okay to go.  Good Lord that just broke my heart.  Saving just the words, "It's okay" just tears at every last emotion I have. 

Anyhow, after telling him I loved him and would be okay because he had taught me so well, I got a song stuck in my head.  Naturally.

It's a song from Lionel Richie. So go grab a tissue...you're gonna need it.

It's Not Easy to Say Goodbye
(Ignore the other language lyrics)
I wanted you for life
you and me
in the wind
I never thought there come a time
that our story would end
its hard to understand
but I guess i'll have to try
its not easy
to say goodbye .....

For all the joy we shared
all that time we had to spend
now if I had one wish
I'd want forever back again
to look into your eyes
and hold you when you cry
its not easy
to say goodbye......
I can remember all those great times we had
There were so many memories, some good some bad
yes and through it all
those memories will last
forever .....

Theres peace in where you are
may be all I need to know
and if I listen to my heart
i'll hear your laughter once more
and so I got to say
i'm just glad you came my way
its not easy to say
goodbye.....