Don't Want to be in Public, My head is full of Chapstick

If you know that song without googling, I'll give you a big kiss...maybe. Here I'll give you a hint. See photo.

TWO HUGE SHOUT OUTS TO MAKE:

1) TO: THE RANDOM CO-WORKER WHO SHOCKED THE H*LL OUT OF ME WITH HIS DONATION- YOU ROCK.

2) TO: THE OLD FAMILY FRIENDS FROM OUR SAUDI DAYS: WOW! I'M SO GLAD MOM SUGGESTED I GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR YOUR DONATION. IT PUT ME OVER THE $1500 MARK.

I've had a lot of odds and ends on my mind this week and am not so sure where to begin, so I'll just start typing. This could be trouble.


While I still very much love my job, I'm at that point with the company where I'm starting to feel very naive about believing they were interested in change. One person wanting change can't do a darn think without the support of many, and or management. I'm sure we're no different than any other small company out there who has the desire to play with the big boys, but still lags painfully behind in the knowledge of "how" to maintain our internal "big boys" feeling. I'm a process improvement person at heart. I love the idea of fixing something that will make the bottom line cleaner and the trip to the bottom line more efficient. I know several others who share this feeling, but trying to get management to agree to improvements is like pulling teeth. I'm not an exec and I don't pretend to even understand what they have to deal with in keeping this company they success it is. But if they'd give even a single minute to thinking about improving just a one or two internal systems, I'm sure they'd see the overall benefit. But I fear this will never happen and so I'll continue to be frustrated and continue to pound my head against the wall to maybe get even a little teeny tiny change.


That got me thinking about change in general and how people are so adverse to it. I was in a seminar a year or so ago that talked about change. The speaker compared a person going through change as similar to a person going through the grieving process. There's anger, uncertainty, sadness, and a few others, to eventually get to acceptance. Once they reach acceptance, they can move on and embrace the change. I remember sitting there wondering why anyone would be adverse to change. It never dawned on me at that point that change could be negative (as in losing your job or your marriage dissolving). I'm more convinced than ever that change is a necessary evil. Good or bad, there's a reason for it and it should be embraced. Which brings me back to the company being less than accepting of change.


Every time I've suggested a change, I've been beat down pretty hard by some folks that now I fear I'm hitting the point in which I feel like, "why bother?" I don't want to be complacent. I know this company can be greater than it already is...I just need to find the strength to get past my frustration and be the stellar PM I know I can be.

I also feel less than adequate of late because the hammer is coming down on how we manage projects. While I am glad because that means I'm learning, the sneaky little devil of insecurity is creeping in and making me question my abilities. And of course, it makes me wonder if they're going to fire me. The thing is I know I'm a good worker. Sure I can improve on a good lot of things, and I feel I am improving, but I can't help but wonder.


But in other more exciting news, last night on the drive home at mach 1, I decided that it might be time to give love a chance. Again.