How to Deal

During my 100 day sabbatical I did a little introspection...if that's a word. I had some large amounts of down time on my hand that while whatever task I was doing, I could think about personality quirks in myself that I'd like to change, or decide to not change. Some of my quirks I'm very fond of and have no intention of changing. The world will just have to deal.

I also thought about my relationships with people and whether I felt they were strong and healthy. Or did they need some work? We often get comfortable in a relationship and rarely revisit it and see if anything needs tweeking. I think that's what happens to marriages at certain points in their life span...and sometimes that leads to divorce. We just get too comfortable.

I had three issues I needed to concentrate on with regards to relationships:

1. Passive aggressive behavior
2. Healthy communication
3. Feeling appreciated
4. Feeling guilty

All these topics were related to a single person mostly and I needed to find a way to work with each.

Passive Aggressive Behavior
It drives me crazy. I've done it. I'm sure I'll do it again, but by and large, it drives me crazy. Especially when you're trying to communicate with someone. When someone responds or acts passive they are not being honest with themselves or with the person they’re communicating with.  We’re all adults, be straight. Say what you mean and mean what you say.  If I'm doing something that pisses you off, tell me. Let's have a conversation about it. Perhaps it's not what I'm doing, but what you're doing. Perhaps via an open dialog we can come to a compromise about how we discuss certain things. It's what healthy relationships are made up...good old fashion communication.

Healthy Communication
Which brings me to my next topic. Healthy communication.  How to communicate effectively with someone you’ve known most your life?  You get comfortable with your communication styles, but we grow as people, therefore our communication should grow as well.  As we grow up – presumabley – we get more confidence. Conversations that would have killed us in our twenties shouldn’t be that hard in our 40’s. 

I’m here to tell you; any relationship worth working at or keeping, will not crumble and fade away if you stand up for yourself or speak up. You do, however, need to be aware that even if you do speak up that no change will happen. Sometimes it’s just the way people are. Then you have a choice, are you okay with it or not? If you're not, then you have to do what makes YOU happy which may mean limiting your time with certain people.

Feeling Appreciated
We all want to feel appreciated.  It’s human nature. What’s complicated is when we do something expecting appreciate from people, then don’t get that appreciation.  I often don’t feel appreciated by some people. 

During my introspection I remembered something an Xboyfriend said to me one time. At the time we were dating, I loved sending cards to people. And I did it frequently. I got angry and hurt when said X didn't say thank you or even acknowledge that I had sent a card. When I finally asked him about it he said, he figured I knew since he had said it so many times. Truth was, I needed that pat on the back every time. Then I figured out I was sending the cards to GET that pat on the back from him. Something was missing in our relationship and this was my way of trying to fill the hole with a little puddy.

Maybe that’s what’s happening now? I’ve done so much for certain people that its almost expected and therefore not appreciated. It’s become the status quo. Of course if I stop now without communicating this (and the blog doesn’t count) then it’ll only result in hurt feelings.  Communicating this will be difficult, and maybe a bit painful.  I’ll most likely feel guilty, which is a great segue into the next issue…Guilt.

Guilt
Oh guilt. We learn early about mother’s guilt. They are the masters of putting on the guilt. And almost every time, I give in.  My mom, is the Queen of Guiltville…but she only uses it when absolutely necessary. Thankfully.

Guilt is an odd thing for me.  I can’t decide if I’m feeling guilty by my own actions or is the person putting the guilt on.  Its an internal struggle that I have quite come to grips with. “Why am I feeling guilty?” I often ask myself. “Should I feel guilty?” etc.

When I try to have an open conversation with some people, trying to explain what I’m feeling, why I’m doing what I’m doing, etc, I feel the guilt.  It comes via a look, which I admit I could be misinterpreting. Then I start to second guess what it is I’m trying to communicate. How do I respond when I communicate to someone, and then from their response I read guilt? Is it me feeling guilty? Or them projecting the guilt? And how do I tell the difference?

I do have a sensitive side that doesn't want to hurt any one's feelings - I hope most of us have that side. And yet I can't always control if some one's feelings are hurt. Often I think I'm communicating something intelligently and with the right tone, and it gets taken wrong and blows up in my face. Sometimes I walk away and figure it's the other person having a bad day other times I want to respond to the person and ask what's up?

I struggle with this one the most.  I don’t have an answer for this yet and hope that I will soon.

What to do?
So much to think about.  So many issues that have so many moving parts.  It keeps me awake at night sometimes – especially have an incident with certain people.  I lay awake trying to figure out how I could have handled it better? Should I have handled it better? Was it me or them?

At the end of the day, I just want to be happy and want those around me to be happy.  I want healthy relationships that can grow despite stress, bad communication, and pain.  I want healthy relationships in which communication is open and flowing. Is that too much to ask?