Where has the man gone?

My parents have been here the last week and it’s been a difficult one at that. See my dad has Alzeimer's and it's gaining on him it seems. Each time I see him, he has slipped further into his own mind and has become this person of whom I no longer recognize. I miss the man he once was. I miss the man who was generous, caring, considerate and above all loving. He’s been replaced, at least mentally, with a man who has no consideration for anybody or anything, who is rude and demeaning, and forgets simple details within minutes of hearing them. Then gets mad when you say, "I just told you."

I know the brain that now controls my dad isn't my dad. I know that. Logically! I know that. But what makes it so hard is to SEE the man who is your dad, and trying to reconcile with the fact that behind those beautiful brown eyes that once twinkled with a vibrant life, now lives a different person, no twinkle, no life. I wonder, all too frequently, if he ever gets a glimpse of his former self. Or if he sees and recognizes the person he becomes and gets scared knowing he can’t control anything? I wonder how frustrating it might be for him to know, perhaps, that he’s not the man he once was, but still wants to be. I miss that man.

I sometime sit and watch him and feel sad for the things in my life he will miss out on. If he is alive to walk me down the aisle, will he remember? Will he want to? Will he even know who I am?

I did well this trip to not take his bait to argue. See early stages of this disease makes them argumentative. It is one of the most difficult things for me, because I love to argue. But arguing with him is useless. His logic is generally off, and he has no respect for any truthful information of fact. If he doesn't believe it, then it isn't so. Dad and I used to discuss things like politics, religion, races, etc and while he frequently didn't agree with me, he respected my opinions. His responses are so matter of fact, and are often delivered in a “thou shalt not argue” tone of voice. He shuts you down and won’t even listen to reason or your opinion.

So, I miss him. But as long as the "man" is with us, I'm going to do my best to practice patience with him.

In other news, I made a KICKASS stroganoff tonight. I do love me some good stroganoff.