" I feel good; I feel great; I feel wonderful ... I feel GOOD; I feel GREAT; I feel WONDERFUL!"

I'm sitting here tonight watching the sun dip into the horizon. It's casting a beautiful pink hew across the sky. Suddenly I feel extraordinarily content. Relaxed even. Could a sun set really make one feel so content? Or...could it be the wine?

ahem

Big stuff happening all around me. And I mean BIG!

A couple of weeks ago I may have mentioned an large amount of stress brewing. I was asked to interview with Hotel CaliforniaSoft as a Program Manager. We were bidding on an enormous piece of work, and I'd be the Program Manager is we won it. Let me make one thing clear here...I am a Project Manager! I've never managed a Program of this size ... ever. We're talking millions of dollars over the next several years.

I was stressed to the max. I had an overwhelming feeling of doom should the interview not go so well.

As it turned out they loved me. Who knew I could be so charming? My interview, coupled with our excellent other team members work, won us this HUGE deal...which I now affectionately call it the Big Ass Deal (BAD). I'm now officially the Program Manager for a large chunk of change and the stress I thought I felt for the interview was nothing by comparison to what I feel now. Overwhelmed is a understatement.

Logically, I know I'm not alone in this. I have a fantastic team made up of some very talented and smart peeps. They are way smarter than me and have a ton more experience. I plan on tapping into that experience as much as possible.

Logically, I know I will most likely be fine. I'm a fighter. I'm think back to 4 years ago working at the Cat Shack in which I was deemed to "never be a PM" by them. All those old, lingering, thoughts of self doubt come trudging back with a vengeance. But still, I know that most likely I'll do fine.

Logically, I know I can do this. I know that I have the brain power and the stamina I'll need to get this massive BAD off the ground. It'll be ugly at times, and most likely blood will be shed. But I keep telling myself that the opportunity to shine is huge. I can be seen as a humongous success...and yet...I can also be seen as a huge failure with dire consequences.

Still, I have doubts.

I know there are two things I must do immediately in order to keep myself confident.

1. I must stop saying outloud to others that I'll suck at this. I most certainly don't want anyone to see the fear I have of complete and utter failure. I most certainly don't want to taint the views of those in powerful positions and have them start to question their decision to give me this program (which probably only really came to me because I'm a US based PM ... ).

2. I must start saying I'm a winner. I can and will make this Program the best and most successful program ever. I have to remind myself that while there will be battles that I will win and lose, I will not lose the war.

Right, it sounds so easy in writing.

I have had moments of pure panic that washes over me. The enormity of this $9M hits me hard at times and I shudder and want to crawl into my bed and never come out. But, as it turns out I found the cure for panic attacks. Ice cream. Who knew?

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm scared. I also think I most likely wouldn't be human if I wasn't. The responsibility lingering above me scares the poo right out of me. But the thought of being a complete success and having one thing to really sink my teeth into makes me feel all giggly and geeky inside.

On a more fun note. Say hello to Baby Newlywed/Stalemates. Jack came to us last Monday at a whoppin 9lbs 11oz and 20 inches long. I've not officially met Jack yet as the "Rents" are hording them all to themselves and trying desperately to get a grip on having a newborn...but I'm sure very soon I'll be seeing this little devil. So to the Newlyweds I say, congrats. He's a lovely boy!