If you know what song that's from you are way ahead of the game in this blog. You might as well go get yourself a cup of coffee or something and then come back to sit back and read the life that has not been.
If I had to define my recent life with one word I would say "struggle". In fact as I sit here to type out what this "struggle" is about I am not sure where to begin.
I could back track to June when I was asked to step into a Program Manager role. Then fast forward to Sept/Oct/Nov/Dec where my daily existence was a constant struggle. Negativity thrived. Somewhere in those months I lost my soul. And now, now I feel I'm struggling to find that soul that I once had and loved.
Or I could start with February where I thought my struggle was going to be a thing of the past, but then come March and I realized that it was just cloaked and went by another name.
The end result is the vampires have sucked the life out of me and now I'm struggling to make a decision as to what to do.
I've traveled this all too familiar road before. Then one day the MomUnit comes into play. I thought I had made my mind up on the cruise on how to deal with the recent struggle for peace within my soul and then the MomUnit had to go and ask a question that has resonated with me since the last word left her mouth. Is it you or them? Oh god, it's the "Its not you. It's me," excuse. GAH!
Now I'm struggling with what's next?
What to do now?
Where should I be?
What am I?
Who am I?
What do the vampires want me to be?
Why do I feel there is no success here no matter how I try?
Am I just scared of being successful and so the flight reaction takes hold?
Is this my chance to make a difference in me?
Or am I fighting a century old vampire who cannot ever die or every say a single positive word?
I just don't know the answers - and there in lies the struggle.
My gut is saying fight.
My gut is telling me that with each passing day I am becoming a person I don't like and don't want to be.
My gut is telling me that the longer I stay the less of me will exist.
My gut is telling me that perhaps I've learned all I can and now it's time to find a coven who will appreciate me and the value I bring to the table.
My gut is telling me that as I wake each morning hating and dreading the day ahead, something has to change.
My gut is rarely wrong.
This struggle has made me into a person I don't recognize and frankly don't like. I spend so much of my waking day fighting and battling that when I'm done for the day I'm spent and I sit blankly and stare into the depths of the TV.
Where's the girl who used to have a thriving social calendar?
Where's the girl who used to take her camera and just drive until she found something to shoot?
Where's the girl who used to get such joy out of what she does?
Bah...I just don't know. I could type for hours over that struggle.
Still today I decided I was going to go do something I enjoyed. A challenge to open my mind just a bit. I took my journal and went to a local coffee shop who's atmosphere is one of comfort and character.
My iPod, my journal, my pen and my coffee all sat at a table to begin writing. I promised myself I'd write anything that came to mind. Suddenly my mind was blank. Nothing. Empty.
When it happens. Scrapbook designs come to mind. What? Are you kidding me? Scrapbook designs? What the hell is wrong with my brain? Here I am searching for an answer for what to do with my current vampire situation and I get scrapbook ideas?
And then it hit me....
Why am I trying to hard to force what I already know is the answer? Why am I so afraid of the next step? Fear. It's intoxicating and it's paralyzing. But don't they say knowing and admitting it is the first step in recovery?
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