Shhh, or your miss the epiphany!

Do you hear that?

That resounding thud when someone gets it. That sudden flash of light that shocks even the heardiest of souls. That moment when you read something and suddenly everything you've been puzzling over for what seems like a lifetime falls into place and you know that you can move on. That you're at the crossroads and the next step will be your greatest yet.

Thanks to Patron Saint - I realized something. I'm a IGUG (her term not mine). That's right. I'm a I-Gave-Up-Girl. I really don't know when it is I officially gave up, but I know in my heart that I did. I suspect - very sincerely - it has to do with her "further punishment" theory. I had been down that path so many times that I knew it by heart and knew how it would end. So why bother? Why not live out my existence in this world in what I thought was peace?

If you've ever been on vacation with me you know I'm the type that can barely sit still. I want to see and do everything. I don't want to miss a thing. That's how I feel a lot about life too. And yet, one of the most important aspects of living life to its fullest I put on a shelf never daring to take it down again. I was missing out.

So what now?

I know I'm missing out. I know that the next whatever will most likely end badly and hurt - will it be worth it? Will the potential of more happiness out weight the pain that may take it's place? Could I just live and experience without a plan? Could I just jump in head first and let the cards fall where they may? Could I let go that much?

Looking at my life through the rear view mirror I flinch at the moments when I can almost hear my heart breaking - still. Those memories are painfully clear to me. Though if I'm honest with myself they aren't just my relationships that have ended badly. No they are the relationships of others who have lived on and are a vision of what I want/need. My experiences colored and put into motion the way I would approach any relationship I'd be given. They were defining who I would be and how I would be in a relationship. Right or wrong - good or bad - they would be a part of who I am - today! If I put them away, the next relationship wouldn't see them and wouldn't see how horribly bad I am at this thing called love. Or would he see them and appreciate them for what their purpose was - to make me who I am? I'm holding out for the latter.

So officially starting Jan 1 - I'm back on the horse. Why not until Jan 1? Who has time during the holidays to get involved? I will dedicate 6 month to the pursuit of "la otra media de naranja" - the other half of my orange. And you lucky readers get to take the trip with me. Oh goody!