I've got a Crush on you....

What a funny phrase, "I've got a crush." The word immediately transports you back to high school, doesn’t it? Where the object of your crush was some guy you would never in a million years talk to. Okay, maybe that was my high school days. Over the years I've had several "crushes". Some were stronger than others, and most disappearing from crush to friend. (Yes, boys, I'm the girl everyone wants to be "just friends". It’s a curse and a blessing all in one.)

Out of curiosity I decided to see what my old pal Webster said a “crush” was. When I read this definition in context of a relationship, it really doesn’t sound healthy at all.

Crush: 1 a : to squeeze or force by pressure so as to alter or destroy structure b : to squeeze together into a mass
2 : to reduce to particles by pounding or grinding
3 a : to suppress or overwhelm as if by pressure or weight b : to oppress or burden grievously c : to subdue completely

I'm 37 years old. You wouldn’t expect an intelligent, good hearted, fun loving, emotionally available, professionally successful 37 year old woman to say she has a "crush" on someone. But that is exactly what I have. A crush!
I have a crush! I have a crush! I have a crush!

Now the object of my crush may or may not know. In fact, he likely doesn’t know. Or maybe I’m not giving him enough credit to read my “signals”. My “signals” I believe are either partially blocked by men, or translated incorrectly by men, again, it’s a curse and a blessing.

I’ve only “known” this crush for a short time. That is to say I’ve only actually had a conversation with him, and chatted with him for a short time, but have “known of him” for some time. In my “woman” mind, (“Woman” is in quotes because we all know “women” think very differently from men. Its that Mars and Venus thing) I’ve made it abundantly obvious of my attraction. I mean, the casual conversation; the casual unassuming glances in his direction, innocent heart-felt smiles, and of course making up reasons to spend time together etc. This really means that my actions are not out of the norm in any way nor could ever be construed by a man as attraction. Please see previous paragraph on signals.

I’m a bad flirt. I admit it. I think I take myself way too seriously and don’t want to come off like those ditsy, scatter brained bimbos I’ve seen shamelessly flirting with some guy. If they had flirting classes in school, I must have been at band practice. (read: the reason I’m a bad flirt is because I was a band geek). “How to Flirt Successfully.” Or “Flirting 101”. Either way, I’m quite sure what I consider “flirting” is really just actions that average, normal people take in their daily existence with each other. Because god forbid the person actually think you’re flirting with them. I know. I see the problem. I live(d) the problem.

But that feeling to have a crush on someone again, the memories it conjures up. The pain it conjures up. The glorious feelings of anticipation of “maybe” seeing him walk around the corner. Or “maybe” seeing him standing by your locker after school. Or “casually” running into him after class and “accidentally on purpose” ending up sitting next to him during lunch. And then when you do see him your heart beats faster, your mouth goes dry and any hope of actually putting a structured sentence together is gone. Did you see Dirty Dancing? When Baby sees Johnny for the first time and has an opportunity to speak to him she says, “I carried a watermelon.” That’s EXACTLY what would happen to me.

And, oh the drama of crushes in high school. Do you remember that? It’s likely a girl thing, but every woman reading this can relate to having a crush on a guy who likes your best friend, or worst a cheerleader - ugh. But the drama we created around it was enormous. You know, come to think of it, I don’t think you could pay me enough to go back to high school.

Exactly who this crush is, I can't say. Please, I'm not that brave. But I will say this, my goal is to remain a calm, relatively normal, seemingly intelligent person in his presence. I'll let you know if I'm successful. And I can hear you all saying, “yah right.”

PS - No the crush isn't Paul Jensen(aka Dudley Manlove)...well it is, but that's a different type of crush I can't discuss because my mother reads this blog. Hi Mom!