Its been a hard day

So BigBro - as you all know - is fighting cancer. Started out as kidney cancer and moved to his lungs.  When we first heard, it was treatable and survivable.  I had an immense amount of hope.

Amazing how three months can change one's perspective.

He's been doing chemo treatments for I think 5 or 6 weeks now - only to find out the chemo wasn't working.  The next thing to do was put him on an oral chemo that had recently been approved by the FDA. Delay in getting the drug has meant he's not had chemo for almost two weeks now.

He's been on oxygen 24/7 for several weeks - I've lost count how many - and was feeling - I can't say good, but ok.

Monday he went in to have fluid drained from his lungs.
Thursday he went in to have fluid drained from his lungs.
Thursday night he couldn't breath.  He was having extreme difficulty, so 911 was called and he was transported to the hospital.

Since then he's not done well. Another set of scans have showed his right lung completely white. So here's what you need to know to put that in perspective. When they do a scan, healthy tissue is dark. It allows light to pass through it. None healthy tissue is white. Light cannot pass though - that's often how they see tumors. 

Anyhow, his right lung is completely white. Essentially not functioning anywhere near capacity. 

As you can imagine, he's exhausted. The constant struggle to breath must be tiring.  His spirits aren't great considering the news today.  There's a lot of decisions that need to be made, and a heavy heart has been what we've all felt today.

I've not allowed myself to go down the "what if" path during this cancer scare. I wouldn't allow myself to think about life without my brother. Sure, I know some day - way far in the future - but not now. I would prefer not ever, but I know that's not the truth.

I'm not done getting to know him. I'm not done being a sister to him. I'm not done with him. He cannot leave this world now. I need him in my life. And today, I lost hope.  I'm hoping I find it again, that we start to see some improvement and some positive sign that things will turn around. 

I didn't want to lose hope. I wanted to stay positive for him.  It was all but impossible to do that today. Tomorrow's another day, so maybe it'll dawn bright and things will turn around. A girl can hope can't she?